 Developing a comfortable and healthy relationship with our baby is perhaps the single most important role we can fulfil as a parent. Being with our babies in a relationship where we are present and attuned to their needs, helps them experience what it is like to feel safe and secure. This is the foundation babies need to develop positive feelings about themselves, thereby setting them up to optimise their full potential. As well, this first relationship with their parent serves as a blueprint for many future relationships in their lifetime. Feeling heard and understood and having emotional needs met helps individuals function productively in relationships.
It it safe to say that every parent has the best intention for an unblemished relationship with their child, yet this does not always go to plan. We can hit bumps in the early weeks or months of being a parent leaving us feeling doubtful about this new relationship. We may feel anxious, lost, even frightened of this much anticipated new arrival. For many parents, there can be feelings of aloneness or emptiness - a contrast to the joy they may have expected. What can follow are feelings of guilt, even shame, for not enjoying the parenting journey, compounded by crippling thoughts of being a bad parent. So powerful can this state of mind be that parents describe feeling stuck or frozen - caught between their internal turmoil and desperate attempts to care for the baby they so love and cherish. Human beings are complex. Each of us carries a story about relationships, and it begins with the people we first formed them with – our parents. This very first relationship has significant impact on the way we view ourselves and our place in the world. We develop emotional and behavioural patterns from these relationships and they become a part of ‘who we are’. For example, we might find that we are sensitive to a certain look or a tone. A look or a tone that can seem harmless enough, yet is able to rouse an emotional response so powerful and strong within us. Why is that? It is possible that the look or tone is familiar to us somehow, triggering emotions associated with our very early experiences of being in relationship with significant adults when we ourselves were children. This unique experience does not live in our awareness; it is embedded deep within us. Sometimes these emotional reactions are positive - received like a warm blanket. Other times they are negative and we feel alone and vulnerable, unprotected, unheard or misunderstood. Either way, they are feeling memories arising from our early relationships. Because of the closeness of the parent-infant relationship, our babies’ behaviour can inadvertently trigger old unresolved dynamics from our early relationships. Some parents experience feelings of anxiety or dread when their baby signals a need for proximity and comfort through crying or unsettledness. Others experience sadness, alarm or a feeling of rejection when their baby crawls away from them to explore the environment. Even though we may reasonably acknowledge that babies lack the sophistication to deliberately upset us, the emotions stirred up in us are so strong that it’s easy to think they are doing just that. What is not available to us at the time, is the knowledge that our baby’s behaviour is merely triggering our own experiences of unmet needs from our childhood - our parents’ own struggle with providing comfort when we needed it, or their discomfort with supporting our need for autonomy and independence. Making sense of our childhood experiences helps us to be more open to seeing our babies’ needs as separate to our experiences. It might give us the space to feel at ease with our babies, attending to their needs and connecting with them in the way we intend. It frees us up to have the kind of relationship with them that reminds them that they are special to us and that we can support them with both their need for comfort and their curiosity for learning about the world around them. It is also important to remember that as much as we wish, we will never have the relationship running ‘right’ one hundred percent of the time. After all, experiencing pain and disappointment is part of the territory of being human. If we get it right enough of the time, we are doing a good enough job. Equally important to remember is that repairing the relationship with our child when we recognise we have missed the mark, is a powerful human gesture. Repairing and rebuilding teaches children important lessons of trust and hope. It gives them scope to be imperfect but still loved. Tips
This article was written by Psychologist, Kanthi Sayers from the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network. Kanthi draws on the theoretical underpinnings of attachment theory and the teachings of Circle of Security. www.circleofsecurityinternational.com Reference Hoffman, K. Cooper, G., Powell, B. (2017). Raising a Secure Child: How Circle of Security Parenting can help you nurture your child’s attachment, emotional resilience, and freedom to explore. New York: The Guildford Press. www.antenatalandpostnatalpsychology.com.au www.facebook.com/antenatal.postnatal.psychology www.instagram.com/dr_renee_miller  Shock. Devastation. Confusion. Overwhelm.
When a diagnosis of a fetal anomaly is made, expectant parents are often faced with the confronting option of deciding whether to end their pregnancy. "What does this diagnosis mean for our child?" "What is the prognosis for our child?" "What will my baby's life look like with this condition or difference?" "Will by baby live?" So many questions. Some only answerable in shades of grey with vague statistical probabilities, or even medical specialists admitting "we don't know". At the time of receiving news that their baby is not developing as expected, parents are often overwhelmed with the information they are given. As the hours, days or weeks unfold, and the information is processed, the burden of choice to continue or to end their pregnancy can leave parents feeling adrift and alone. People may have to wait for later tests to reveal further information regarding prognosis. The time waiting between appointments can feel painfully long when all people want is immediate and complete medical information. Most people have been imagining and planning for a future with their baby in it. A bond and a connection to the baby may have already formed regardless of the gestation. Family and older children may have excitedly been anticipating the arrival of their baby. As psychologists who work with clients who have received fetal diagnoses, we sit alongside them as they grapple with the meaning of the diagnosis in light of each person's
We respect that everyone's decision, and decision-making process is different. We work with couples to explore how they think and feel about the information they have been given. These decisions are deeply personal, and can involve complex and changing emotional consequences. We support people at all stages of their decision-making process, and beyond. Everyone is different. Everyone processes information in their unique way and in their own time. People differ in their ongoing support needs. Read the full resource "Decision-making when a fetal diagnosis is made" for Through the Unexpected, Written by Dr Renée Miller Perinatal Clinical Psychologist For non-directive counselling support, the psychologists from the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network are here. You are not alone.  Worry strikes us all, particularly in the childbearing years. Trying to conceive Women who are trying to conceive can find the two-week wait interminable. A time when worry and fear can ramp up, out of control. The mind can become consumed by fearful thoughts. "What if I'm not pregnant?", "What if I'm going to need IVF?" "What if we can't have the family we've always dreamed of?" During pregnancy When pregnant, waiting for a scan, can mess with your mind. "What if there's something wrong with the baby?" "How would we cope?" Women (especially those who have experienced a previous loss) can find themselves agonising over fears about something being wrong with the baby, of losing the baby, or of having a negative birth outcome. As a parent Then, when we become parents, the worries can be endless. "What if he doesn't sleep tonight?" "What if there's a developmental problem with my toddler?" "What if my child doesn't have friends?" What if my child becomes a bully?" 'What if' thinking The fact is that any thought that begins with "what if" is by its very nature, not true. That doesn't mean that bad things don't happen. They do. But more often than not, our worries don't end up manifesting. And when bad things happen, we attend to the situation, drawing from our internal and external resources to cope, and we deal with what is actually happening. Worrying endlessly about things that could go wrong, is mentally exhausting. What people often don't realise is that we can manage our minds better than we think we can. Taming worry The first step is to recognise that our thoughts are not truths. When we worry about a future scenario that hasn't happened, we remove ourselves from the life we have right now. "What if" thoughts make us feel anxious and stressed. People typically look back at their worries and wish they hadn't wasted all that time fretting. So how do we manage fear and worry? What do we do when "what if" thoughts (or fears about the future) intrude? This short video uses a Mindfulness-based, visual approach to help you to manage your worry and tame your mind. It takes practice, but you can do it! Written by Dr Renée Miller Perinatal Clinical Psychologist Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network   Being a parent is stressful. 🤯
It’s a mix of 👉🏻 wanting to be good at it 👉🏻 feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility of it 👉🏻 feeling guilty for finding it tedious at times 👉🏻 resenting the relentlessness of it 👉🏻 fretting that we’re getting it wrong 👉🏻 missing our old life 👉🏻 worrying that we’re going to mess up our children 👉🏻 comparing ourselves to other parents 👉🏻 comparing our children to other children 👉🏻 constantly questioning and second guessing ourselves 👉🏻 facing an endless stream of guilt 👉🏻 lacking the time to reflect and introspect On top of all that, parenthood presents us with 🫣 👉🏻 a mirror into how we ourselves were parented 👉🏻 a test of our patience and coping capacities 👉🏻 a reconfiguration of our relationships 👉🏻 an insight into the things we don’t like about ourselves The reality is that parenting can be confronting and challenging. Yet parenthood also gifts us with 👉🏻 an opportunity to repair our pasts 👉🏻 the potential for profound growth 👉🏻 a chance to evolve and become better versions of ourselves It's through the tough things in life that we become stronger and more resilient. 💪🏼 As psychologists who have dedicated our careers to working with new parents and parents of young children, we have seen the wisdom that can emerge through the hardships of parenting. ☀️ More self-awareness ☀️ Less self-criticism ☀️ Less blame of others ☀️ Repair of old hurts and past traumas ☀️ Better management of stress, anxiety, and low mood ☀️ Less reactivity, irritability and anger ☀️ More capacity to live in the present ☀️ Informed parenting strategies ☀️ Increased compassion for the self and others ☀️ Less sweating of the small stuff (and knowing what the small stuff is) ☀️ More acceptance of the self ☀️ More acceptance of one's children ☀️ Clarification of one's true values In sum, when we introspect as parents, and choose to grow through the parenting journey, we can ☀️ parent with greater insight and compassion ☀️ parent with more realistic expectations of both ourselves and of our children ☀️ parent with less guilt and self-doubt ☀️ parent with more understanding of what our children need ☀️ find joy in the smallest of moments ☀️ parent with resilience (the capacity to deal with the hard stuff) ☀️ benchmark life with values rather than comparison The ultimate result? A more meaningful life all round, and the potential for raising emotionally intelligent, resilient children. ☺️ We invite you to follow our new psychological series on socials: Parent Insights 👍🏻 On Instagram 👍🏻 On Facebook NOTE: This series is for educational and illustrative purposes only. Cases are based on generalized scenarios, composite cases, or fictionalized accounts. Any resemblance to an individual is purely coincidental. Article written by Dr Renée Miller Principal Clinical Psychologist Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network  Pregnancy is a time of great uncertainty - a time when horror stories are rife and fears about harm befalling one’s baby are common. Anxiety can be particularly significant for women who have experienced pregnancy losses (or vicarious losses through family or friends); been through the ‘roller coaster’ of fertility treatment; received diagnoses of fetal anomalies; or who have experienced a previous traumatic birth. In addition, an anxious temperament can predispose women to heightened anxiety in pregnancy, especially in the face of stressful life events. For some women, pregnancy can be a time of feeling an enormous sense of responsibility for the life of their baby. They can become anxious about what they eat, what they do, and can doubt their ability to keep their baby safe and thriving. Women often report feeling better when the baby is born and the responsibility for their baby's safety is shared. Although anxiety tends to be seen as the 'normal' emotional landscape for pregnant women, elevated levels of anxiety can be debilitating, and can contribute to emotional disturbance in the postnatal period. Symptoms of antenatal anxiety might be overlooked by common symptoms of pregnancy such as increases in heart rate, shallow breathing, nausea and sleep disturbance (Wenzel, 2011). Emotional symptoms
Physical Symptoms
Behavioral Symptoms
Cognitive Symptoms
In order to identify whether symptoms are problematic, the questions for women to ask themselves and/or their health practitioners are 1. "Are my symptoms interfering with my life (e.g., avoidance of usual activities for fear of feeling anxious, relationship problems, sleep disturbance, constant reassurance seeking)?" and 2. "Are my symptoms causing me distress (e.g. upsetting or intrusive thoughts and/or distressing symptoms in the body)?" (Wenzel, 2011). Women do not need to experience high levels of anxiety and worry in pregnancy or the postnatal period. Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can help women to learn how to manage both the physiological (body) symptoms, and the mental worry, which can contribute to a calmer pregnancy, birth, and adjustment to new parenthood. Perinatal Clinical Psychologist, Dr Renée Miller shares a practical video to help with managing worry: Managing Your Mind: Taming Worry References Wenzel, A. (2011). Anxiety in childbearing women. Washington: American Psychological Association. Wenzel, A. & Kleiman, K. (2015). Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for perinatal distress. New York: Taylor & Francis.   We live in a world where striving is seen as thriving. But is it? We can become attached to the mindset of striving for more, striving to be better, striving for perfection. But at what cost? We develop expectations and desires that set us up to feel unfulfilled if things aren’t a certain way. We can hold high expectations of ourselves, our partners, our children, our parents, and our friends. We can feel disappointed and let down when people don’t behave in the ways we want them to. We can believe that if we don’t hold on tightly to our high expectations, we will in some way fail, our lives will be out of control, or that we don’t stand for much. Reflecting on two decades of working as a psychologists with pregnant women and new parents, it struck me that much of people’s growth and happiness comes not from what they strive for, but from what they let go of. I turned my attention to my clients (no identities disclosed) and to our Facebook followers to find out what people have let go of for a happier life. This is what I found: As a parent I let go of striving to return to my pre-baby body, and decided to just maintain a healthy lifestyle. I let go of needing to clean and tidy my house before I'd have visitors, and now I don't care. I let go of apologising for the mess in my house and now I say “you can see a lot of fun has been had around here.” I let go of expecting my child to get dressed by himself, and kept dressing him to get out of the house without shouting. Then one day, he said “I CAN DO IT!” I let go of comparing my house and my clothes to other parents. I let go of worrying about how other parents see me as a parent. I learnt to recognise that everyone is different and that everyone does what works best for them. I’ve let go of all the guilt I used to feel when failing to adhere to parental “shoulds”. I let go of expecting my kid to be like other kids or to fit the expectations I had of her based on my own interests and experiences. I let go of thinking I’d be happy when my daughter got through the present phase and into the next phase. Own behaviour I let go of trying to do so much. Once the kids are asleep I watch TV or read a book. I need some time on my own to relax. I let go of a high stress really well-paying job - working 12 hours a day every day even weekends to take a much lower paying job where I am just a regular worker rather than the boss and it’s made me the happiest I have ever been. I don’t even miss the pay cheque. I let go of feeling guilty for doing things I enjoy. I let go of trying to meet everyone’s needs before my own family’s. Now I tell the broader family what works for us and what doesn’t. I let go of the urgency I had felt to find my ultimate job when my babies were small. Now I say to myself “all in good time”. I let go of all the stuff around the house that I hadn’t used for a while, but was keeping just in case. I let go of ‘beating myself up’ if I said something inappropriate. We can all do that sometimes. If I offend someone, I apologize. I let go of worrying about the future. That was big! Social media I let go of checking social media through the day, and I’m now more present with my children. This makes me SO much happier. I’ve let go of connecting ‘likes’ on social media to my worth as a person. I let go of looking at my phone in bed. I’m enjoying reading books and talking to my partner instead. I recognise that what people post on social media is what they want others to see or think. I let go of letting other people’s ‘fabulous’ lives impact the way I see mine. Friendships Once I became a parent, I realised that my friends were busy with their children, and I let go of my expectations about how often we should catch up. I let go of needing my friends to be there for me when I was struggling, and realised that some people can be there, and other people find emotions hard to deal with. I accept now that some of my friends are just fun friends. I’ve let go of friendships which felt really hard to maintain or would leave me feeling exhausted afterwards (and they too have let me go). Relationship I let go of needing my partner to notice the mess, and just asked for what needed to be done around the house. I let go of trying to change my partner to mould him into what I wanted. I try to focus on all the positive things about him. I let go of needing things to be done in MY time (i.e. NOW) and recognise that people have different time lines. Parents and In-laws I stopped waiting for my mum to ask how she can help, and now I ask for help when I need it. I let go of needing my parents’ approval. I feel so much lighter and no longer worry about how they see me. I stopped wishing my parents could be tuned in to my feelings. I now realise they are both emotionally damaged, and don’t have the capacity to hear me or to validate me. Relationship with myself I let go of being unkind to myself. Self-critical thoughts were the most unhelpful and damaging thing I ever did to myself. I stopped comparing my life to others’ lives: My house, my car, my children, my husband. I let go of trying to prove myself to others. I’m honest about not knowing about certain things (like politics). I let go of thinking I had to constantly please others. So is all striving bad? Letting go for a happier life, does not mean letting go of all striving. It’s about letting go of the striving that comes at a cost. It’s about checking in on whether the expectations we hold are helping or hindering our happiness. It’s about letting go of the unhelpful ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’ that we’ve mindlessly accumulated over time or that 'belong' to other people. It’s about treating ourselves with kindness and compassion and measuring ourselves according to our values – what really matters. What do you need to let go of for a happier life? Written by Dr Renée Miller (Perinatal Clinical Psychologist) This article has been written in the first person to reflect the individual views of people whose identities have been protected.   The birth of a baby brings about significant changes to new parents - changes to their identities, their life-responsibilities and their relationships. The same can be said for new grandparents. At a time when they may be appreciating a new-found freedom, new grandparents face a re-orientation towards participating in their children’s and now grandchildren’s lives. New parents are often exhausted, vulnerable, and desperate for practical and emotional support. They can hold expectations of their families based on assumptions they haven’t verbalised. As a result, new parents can feel disappointed when these expectations are not met. Similarly, when a baby is born, new grandparents can hold their own ideas about their grandparenting roles and about the involvement they wish to have in the lives of their children’s offspring. Some grandparents can feel shut out of their grandchildren’s lives, and others can feel overly responsible to be available at all times. What about when there are no grandparents? Although family dynamics can be complicated, some new parents have no family support and can feel alone and isolated. For these families, the charity organisation, Caring Mums, trains older mums who volunteer their time to make weekly visits to families needing practical and emotional support. As part of their training, these volunteers learn to withhold their opinions, and to focus on fostering confidence in new parents, by supporting them to find their own way with their babies. I was invited by Caring Mums to give a fundraising talk, entitled “Grandparenting in the 21st Century”. Drawing from many years as a perinatal (pregnancy and postnatal) psychologist, I had heard many stories about the ways in which grandparents become involved in families’ lives – in some cases providing invaluable support and fostering beautiful relationships with their grandchildren, and in other cases being uninvolved or even undermining the parents’ wishes. Needless to say, I had much to draw upon. However, prior to the talk, I decided to do a little additional research. I posted a question on a mother-baby social media site asking mums to share their experiences regarding the “Dos and Don’ts” of grandparenting - "...what helps and what hinders?". Many mums responded, both publicly and privately. I collated their responses and shared this list with the grandparents who attended the talk. • Call before coming over • Only give advice when asked • Ask what support is needed • Just help, don’t offer • Help with practical tasks such as cooking, shopping, washing • Never do our washing • When visiting, bring a meal • Just do what needs to be done • Ask before you do things around the house • Don’t take the baby unless asked to. Let the new parents learn about their baby and develop good bonds • When you come over, offer to take baby and let Mum shower • Turn visitors away in the first 3 weeks • If you had a similar problem, tell the parents what you did, not what they should do • Get your vaccines done • Give predictable times when helping with grandchildren • Don’t compete with the other grandparents • Remember things have changed since you had children • Don’t say “we survived without….”, “we never did…..” • Don’t stay all day or expect to be waited on • Don’t force children to kiss/hug you • Babysitting is a privilege not a right • Listen without trying to solve problems • Don’t criticize without giving a solution • Don’t criticize! • When we do things differently to you, don’t take it as a personal criticism • Don’t judge a messy house • Don’t talk about mum’s pregnancy or post-baby weight • Don’t say “my baby” • Stick to the same rules as the parents • Don’t undermine the parents’ rules • Don’t give junk food to children if parents have asked you not to • Don’t say to the child “I’ll get into trouble if I give you that” • Do special things with the grandchildren • Tell the parents they are doing a good job Two things struck me 1. There were obvious differences among mums about what constitutes support. Largely, the differences around asking about what can be done versus just doing it. Differences were evident between mums regarding the things they feel comfortable about grandparents doing for them. What is helpful and non-judgemental to one woman can be considered to be intrusive and laden with judgement to another. 2. When I shared the list of “Dos and Don’ts” to the grandparents who attended the talk, it was met with a resounding applause. The grandparents in the group agreed wholeheartedly with these requests. I was surprised. I was expecting to be met with some defensive responses about grandparents feeling used or misunderstood. But this was not the case. These grandparents agreed that the requests were reasonable. Now it could be argued that the grandparents who chose to attend this talk were a group who had put a lot of thought into their grandparenting roles already - a group who had considered carefully how to best support their offspring and grandchildren. A group interested in doing the best they could as grandparents, hence their attendance at a talk such as this. What I discovered Notwithstanding that I may have struck a particularly supportive group of grandparents, a number of things became evident from my informal research across both groups:
Take home messages There is an intrinsic complexity in these relationships, given the shared histories (joys and hurts) between grandparents and their children (the new parents). But what can we learn from what parents and grandparents told me? 1. Don’t assume As was evident in the list, what is helpful for one person might not be helpful for another. Everyone is different. Similarly for grandparents, the role and the extent to which grandparents want to be involved differs from one grandparent to the next. It is not helpful for either party to assume that they know what the other is thinking, expecting or wanting. 2 Communicate It is vital to talk to one another. When grandparents ask the new parents what they can do to help, this communicates not only a willingness to offer practical support, but it allows grandparents to tune in to their adult children’s needs and to really be there for them at this challenging time. It is ok for grandparents to express their desires to help as well as their conflicts around not wanting to interfere. This may be better for new parents to know as opposed to grandparents holding back, leaving new parents to make assumptions (e.g. “they don’t care”). Similarly, it is ok for grandparents to put limits on their time. In fact, many new parents have told me that they appreciate knowing what the grandparents feel is a reasonable amount of time spent with the grandchildren. Many new parents appreciate a predictable commitment of time so they can schedule breaks or time to get things done. And this can give grandparents precious time alone with their grandchildren. Parents crave respect for their parenting choices, particularly when parenting opinions and judgements are rife in their everyday lives. They may ask for the grandparents’ opinions and they may not. This is their time to discover what works and what doesn’t. Remember, parents want to do what they believe is best for their child. Summary Sleep-deprived new parents can feel sensitive to well-intentioned comments or perceived judgements by grandparents. Many new parents grapple with defining the kinds of parents they want to be to their child. Their values come in part from what worked and what didn’t work for them in their childhoods. As this unfolds, closeness, differences, unresolved issues and stress can be triggered between new parents and grandparents. Parents, tell grandparents what is helpful. More often than not they are wanting to do what helps, but they get can get it wrong when their actions are based on assumptions. Show them that you appreciate their efforts. Encourage them to forge special relationships with their grandchildren. Let them have some autonomy in their grandparenting without compromising the things that are really important to you. When you are not happy with something they are doing or not doing, express it in a calm, respectful way. Parents, remember that grandparents have done their hard yards in parenting and working. Check in on how involved they want to be with the grandchildren. Respect this time in their lives by asking for help, not expecting it, and by showing your appreciation when you receive it. Indeed it could be argued that grandparents' care of your children is a “privilege not a right” - your privilege. Grandparents, remember that parents won’t get it all right (they are human, just like you). They will be stretched physically and emotionally as parents. They need to know that you are there, and that you care. If they want your advice, let them ask for it. If you want to give advice, ask them if they would like to hear it. Conclusion Parenting and grandparenting are profound roles that shape families and leave enduring memories in children’s lives. Consider how you would like your children and grandchildren to remember family life. Share these goals with one another, express yourselves respectfully, show gratitude, and look after one another. Written by Dr Renée Miller (Perinatal Clinical Psychologist) Founder of the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network Thank you to the mums who generously shared their experiences on Babies Toddlers Kids Melbourne. Thank you to the grandparents who attended the fundraising talk for Caring Mums, who shared their compassion and wisdom. Further information about Caring Mums and donations to this important charity can be made here.   Daily life with a newborn is unpredictable.
When will the baby sleep? How much are they eating? Will they meet their milestones? How will I cope? These unknowns can lead to heightened vigilance and stress, and for some people, more extreme anxiety. New parents, especially first-time parents, may find themselves worrying about whether they are doing it ‘right.’ The lack of experience can fuel self-doubt, as the brain enters a heightened state of protective alertness, constantly scanning for potential threats to the baby’s safety and wellbeing. Adding to this challenge is the societal expectation that new parents ‘should ‘be filled with joy and excitement. There is an overwhelming cultural narrative that new parents should feel completely bonded and ‘loved up’ with their baby from the very beginning. Yet, this pressure can be isolating for those who struggle with bonding, who feel overwhelmed by the responsibility, or who fear that they won’t be a good enough parent. Bonding can take time. The fear of not doing it well enough, combined with perceived pressure to make the ‘right’ parenting decisions, can leave new parents feeling trepidatious and unsure. New parents can be bombarded with conflicting advice, which can feel disorienting and can add to the worry and increase self-doubt. All of this is magnified by sleep deprivation. Exhaustion from the physical demands of caring for a newborn can compound the emotional and psychological strain. When parents are sleep-deprived, even small challenges can feel insurmountable, and the uncertainty that comes with parenting can seem more daunting. It’s no wonder that many new parents find this period an anxious one, as they navigate the ever-changing landscape of parenthood while trying to balance societal expectations, personal doubts, and the unpredictability of newborn life. Whilst the uncertainty is unavoidable, there are ways to manage the anxiety and support yourself through times of change. Be kind to yourself Getting to know your baby and how to parent them is a learning process. Remember you are on a steep learning curve and you are sleep deprived! You won’t have all the answers right away, but your confidence will build over time. TIP: Try to offer yourself the kindness and understanding that you would offer a close friend going through this. Imagine the compassion you would feel towards your friend, and what you would say in support of them. Remember you are doing your best in a tough situation, and its ok to learn as you go. Plan for realistic situations, but don’t over plan Uncertainty can trigger an avalanche of ‘what ifs”’. What if my baby doesn’t sleep? What if my baby cries when I am at the cafe? What if my baby has a poo explosion in the car? I often hear mums describing that they feel paralysed by the need to plan for every eventuality before they feel they can leave the house. This can become a vicious cycle, which can lead to anticipatory anxiety and possible avoidance. TIP: Remember it’s impossible to predict everything. Focus on planning essentials that are sensibly within your control and remind yourself that you can problem-solve challenges that arise. Ground yourself in the present moment Those anxious ‘what if’ thoughts pull us out of the present and into an imagined catastrophic future that you can’t control. One way to manage this is through mindfully bringing your attention back to the here and now. This can be as simple as focusing on your breath, noticing sensations in your body, or paying close attention to your baby’s tiny features during a quiet moment together. TIP: When you notice you are caught up in anxious thoughts, try mindfully taking three slow, deep breaths and focus on the feeling of your feet on the floor. This can help step out of anxious thoughts and bring yourself back to what is actually happening now. Ask yourself “what is required of me in this moment?” Take one thing at a time. Notice how you cope with the unexpected One of the most effective ways to manage anxiety around uncertainty is to become aware of how you typically respond when things don’t go according to plan. We all have natural coping mechanisms—some are helpful, and others may unintentionally increase our stress. By becoming mindful of how you react to unexpected events, you can start to shift towards healthier responses. TIP: The next time something unexpected happens (e.g., the baby refuses to sleep or a routine goes awry), pause and take note of your immediate reaction. Do you try to fix everything right away? Do you become overwhelmed or self-critical? Do you give up and feel helpless? Noticing these patterns may allow you to reflect on whether they help or hinder your emotional wellbeing. Once you become more aware of your coping style, you can experiment with new, more adaptive strategies. For example, instead of catastrophizing ("If the baby doesn’t nap, the whole day is ruined!"), try reframing the situation: "This is frustrating, but it doesn’t mean the whole day is lost. I can adjust and move forward." Acknowledging your frustration can be helpful, but it doesn’t have to take over your day. Notice and deliberately practice flexibility Notice when you are faced with an unexpected situation and you get through it (e.g., you successfully deal with an explosive poo at the shopping centre). Build your awareness of your resilience, flexibility and adaptability. Learning to accept that things not going to plan is a normal part of parenthood. Rather than trying to control every situation, practice flexibility—recognizing that some days will be more challenging than others. Over time, this mindset shift can significantly reduce anxiety around the unknown. TIP: Allow yourself to embrace the unexpected and give yourself an internal hug in recognition of managing well. If you felt you struggled, remind yourself you are learning and growing with each new experience. Limit information overload While it’s tempting to search for answers and solutions to every parenting question online, too much information can fuel anxiety. The internet is full of conflicting advice, which can make decision-making feel even more overwhelming. TIP: Instead, try to limit your information sources to a few trusted experts or books, and allow yourself to begin to trust your own instincts as a parent, as you learn what works for your baby. Bearing in mind that babies change and evolve. Just stay tuned in. Seek help These strategies can be learned with practice, and you don’t have to navigate the journey alone. If you find yourself struggling to implement these techniques or if the anxiety feels overwhelming, reach out for support. Our team of psychologists are here to help you through this challenging time and provide the guidance you need for thriving as a new parent. Article written by Dr Gwyn Rees Perinatal Clinical Psychologist Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network  Typically Mums carry the mental load. They find themselves managing a heap of hidden tasks that involve researching, planning and organising for the family. Remembering to buy those thoughtful birthday gifts for little friends, meal planning that caters to the health and idiosyncrasies of the family; organising, researching, scheduling and booking after school activities and play dates. Reading countless social media parenting posts with their children’s emotional well-being in mind. And this is just a snapshot of a mother’s brain. The work that goes on in our minds is invisible. You might see mum buying and wrapping the birthday gifts, shopping for food and cooking meals, driving to after school activities, going to play dates at friends’ houses. What you don’t see, is the thinking that goes on behind the scenes. Many of my clients struggle with this load, especially when their expectations of themselves are overly high or unrealistic. Many modern women say that they thought their partners or husbands were ‘modern guys’, men who valued gender equality, equal rights, in some cases even espousing the virtues of feminism. Then the children came. It can take women some time to realise the inequality that slips in behind the scenes. The default to traditional roles embedded in the psyche of their partners, and ironically, of themselves. The unfortunate result can be overwhelm and resentment. Resentment at their partners for happily allowing the load to fall on their shoulders, resentment at their partners for not understanding the extent of the load, and anger at themselves for enabling this inequity. Dr Gwyn Rees, psychologist at the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network, makes the following suggestions:
https://www.gottman.com/ https://www.drdansiegel.com/
 When we imagine having a baby, our minds create narratives about the hoped-for child. Along with the child we envisage raising, we hold scripts about the kind of parents we hope to be. Then we become pregnant, and these fantasies intensify. The narratives we hold are formed by our past, and by the meaning we derived from the relationships we’ve experienced and observed. We unconsciously amass information and draw conclusions about parents and children, family compositions, siblings, and the meaning of gender within these relationships. When we find out the sex of our baby (whether in utero or after birth), this intricate web of preconceived ideas springs to the surface. Stories about ourselves, our relationships, our fears, our regrets, and our desires. Some or all of these things can be wrapped up in our perceptions about the sex of our baby. Not everyone has a strong preference for the sex of their baby, but for some women (and less commonly, men), the gender of their baby is steeped in personal meaning. When the baby is not the hoped-for daughter or son, some people experience mild to extreme disappointment, grief, and even depression. Before you judge with “surely a healthy baby is all that matters”, let’s make it clear that a healthy baby is the wish of all parents. But for some parents, the meaning of their baby’s sex is so deeply-rooted in their psyches that the loss of their hoped-for child can be devastating. To truly understand gender disappointment and the grief women can experience, we need to respectfully understand the particular meaning for the individual. People’s reasons and stories differ uniquely. However, there are some common themes. The themes From the vast response I received to my Facebook post (both publicly and privately), there were some noteworthy themes. 1. Gender disappointment appeared to be more commonly experienced by women. A small proportion of women spoke about their male partners’ gender disappointment (equally in relation to wished-for boys as compared to wished-for girls). 2. The majority of women’s gender disappointment was in relation to the preference for a girl. This was followed by the preference for one of each sex. And less commonly, by the preference for a boy. The wish for a girl was associated with the following narratives:
The wish for one of each was associated with the following narratives:
The wish for a boy was associated with the following narratives:
“Why can’t you just be happy to have a healthy baby?” (A common judgement) As indicated by the women who responded to my post, gender disappointment does not negate their appreciation and gratitude for a healthy baby. Nor does it (in most cases) preclude loving the baby who was born. The disappointment and grief is about the baby who was not born, the baby who had been yearned for and mentalized, in some cases from as far back as a woman can remember. Extrapolating from the many reasons women offered for their gender disappointment, I propose that these feelings can be understood by three types of projections: 1. REPLICATION Women seek to replicate what they experienced or witnessed, because it was positive. 2. REPAIR Women seek to repair what they experienced or witnessed, because it was negative. 3. REFLECTION OF SELF The wished-for child is a reflection of the woman’s perceptions of self (identity, regrets, hopes, fears, dreams). The grief associated with gender disappointment is real, and can run deep. The grief When the sex of one’s child is opposite to that of the wished-for child, and the family composition differs from the imagined picture, there is a loss of a strongly held ideal. An ideal that may sit alongside one’s self-identity (including one’s cultural identity) and one’s amalgamated past. When this is the case, the depth of grief may be intense. Sadly this grief tends to be disenfranchised. Most women believe that other people don’t understand their distress (and indeed, many people do not), so they grieve alone or minimise their feelings to reduce cognitive dissonance. Women often feel ashamed and guilty for their feelings of disappointment. They judge their feelings as unjustified because they haven’t lost a ‘real’ baby. And when they have lost a baby or have experienced fertility difficulties, the guilt and shame can be worse. Beneath their shame there may be questions like these:
The grief from gender disappointment needs time for reflective processing to acknowledge and work through the feelings and layers of loss. How does therapy help? In some cases, the feelings can be overwhelming and may affect a woman’s mental health and her capacity to bond with her baby. Therapy can be a helpful way to learn to see and appreciate the arrived baby for the unique individual they are, whilst recognising that it’s okay to mourn the loss of the idealised baby. Therapy can also help women to examine their assumptions and biases about gender, and the meaning they’ve attributed to it through the lens of their past. The truth of the matter The truth is that our narratives are not truths. Our narratives are stories we’ve compiled over the course of our lives. These stories are based on subjective conclusions we’ve drawn about boys and girls, sons and daughters, sisters and brothers, in the context of our own history. As we parent the children we have, we grieve many idealised images or expectations along the way. There are all sorts of things parents wish for in their children that may not come to fruition. Who they are, how they think, what they do, can differ considerably from what we had hoped for and from who we are. Once again, our unconscious wishes to replicate, repair and reflect ourselves, stem from the experiences and meaning derived from our pasts. In essence, parenting is a constant process of recalibrating what we wished for in accordance with what we have. Ultimately, when we are not blinded by our projections, we free ourselves to accept and cherish our children for the unique individuals they are. This doesn’t mean we don’t have pangs of sadness, wondering what life would be like with that dreamed for little girl or little boy. But when we acknowledge our grief and accept our reality, we can more readily foster the kinds of relationships and experiences we value with our children, irrespective of their assigned sex. This article was written with stories shared both publicly and privately on the Facebook page of the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network. Compiled and written by Dr Renée Miller, with gratitude to the many women who shared their feelings and experiences on this deeply personal topic. Dr Renée Miller is the Principal Clinical Psychologist of the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network. This article was originally written in July 2020. Further resources: Page on website on gender disappointment. Click here.
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