 Miscarriage is commonly dismissed as the 'loss of a pregnancy'. For happily expectant parents, miscarriage is the loss of their baby. It represents a loss of parents' hopes, dreams, and future plans. For many people, the idea of parenthood is conceived some time in their early lives. Although the timing of these inklings differ for different people, there are unconscious stories people amass as they themselves were parented, and as their developing selves evolve over time. A kind of knowing that one day, they too will become parents. For some people, an opportunity to rectify or better the less-than-ideal parenting they received.
Often the work lives and the intimate relationships of hopeful parents have come to a point where there is an existential readiness for children. A baby becomes nurtured in their minds. The woman's body is primed to create and protect a precious new life. Once pregnant, a woman (and couple) typically begin to imagine their new lives. Anchored by the due date of their baby and alongside the lifestyle sacrifices made for optimal gestation, they begin to integrate their baby into their decision-making, into their future plans, into their homes, and into their families. Once announced, the broader family narrative may begin to incorporate the baby. When a pregnancy ends in miscarriage, the physical and emotional ramifications can be devastating. The baby conceived of in body and mind, has died. The process of miscarrying can be painful, protracted and traumatic. The woman may have felt or seen her tiny baby, and she may regret where her baby ended up. Most people are unaware of what a woman might have experienced in the midst of miscarrying, and may have no idea about the depths of her grief over the loss of her child. When miscarriage happens repeatedly, hopes are raised and dashed time and time again. The accumulation of loss and grief can be crippling, with plummeting self-worth, and for some women, increased self-blame, hopelessness and depression. Women often remark that they observe other women seemingly 'popping out' babies with little effort. Pregnancy and babies everywhere. There is no escape from the enthusiastic pregnancy and birth announcements. And even worse, the unplanned, 'surprise' pregnancies that can engender a silent rage in the bereaved parent, who is acutely aware of the inequities of parenthood. How easy it seems for others. How alone the woman feels. So desperately wanting to settle into the next phase of life. Wanting what everyone else seems to have. Feeling guilty for her envy. Avoiding her usual supporters, for fear of her inability to conceal her grief. Questioning what she is doing wrong, and why this is happening to her. The staggering truth is that at least one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage. The sad reality is that many women don't talk about it. The secrecy surrounding miscarriage is in part due to the convergence of women's perceived shame (as if in some way it is their fault), and society's minimisation of the loss not being as valid as the loss of a living child. As a result, isolation can accompany the pits of grief, maintaining the illusion that other women and couples - seemingly unaffected by loss - conceive easily, and give birth to healthy babies. This misguided belief ultimately reinforces the perceived shame, and renders the bereaved parent alone in their mourning, believing that no one really understands what they are going through. Interestingly, when women open up about miscarriage, they are often surprised, and comforted by the number of other women who have also experienced loss. Women can find some solace in online support groups, but the supportive nature of these groups is time limited, as people's situations change. Miscarriage brings emotional implications for subsequent pregnancies. Although relieved to be pregnant, the woman no longer feels the unbridled joy she may have once felt. Instead, there can be questions, doubts, fears and anxieties. Thoughts and feelings that need to be managed, milestones that need to be passed, uncertainty that needs to be endured, and hopes and dreams that need to be quelled. This is the devastation of miscarriage. If you are reading this because you have experienced miscarriage, we are so sorry for your loss. Written by Dr Renée Miller Principal Perinatal Clinical Psychologist Perinatal Loss Educator Co-founder The Perinatal Loss Centre, Melbourne, Australia Founder Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network, Melbourne, Australia  Mums often feel stressed and overwhelmed by the never ending ‘to-do’ list. When we become parents, there are countless things to be done. Attending to the many and varied needs of our child/children, washing, cooking, cleaning, shopping, folding, tidying, arranging outings, drop offs, pick ups, medical appointments, and on it goes. In the midst of the perpetual ‘to-do’ list, mums often just keep doing - driven by the desire to feel a sense of completion. The problem is that the completion is rarely attained. We chase our tails trying to finish the list, only to bear witness to its endless regeneration. We stay up late to get things done, we permanently feel exhausted, becoming less efficient and more overwhelmed by the looming list. As a result, we beat ourselves up for not achieving what we’d hoped. With the weight of this inner turmoil, we can become more stressed, less patient, and more snappy. Then, we feel even worse about ourselves. So how do we change this vicious cycle? CHANGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS Let go of the need to experience the full completion. Allow yourself to feel satisfied by achieving one thing at a time. Change your relationship with the idea of “getting it all done”, and let yourself feel gratification from getting something/some things done. In other words, change your expectations about what is achievable. By all means, keep a ‘to-do’ list so you don’t have to store things in your head, but accept that the list is ever evolving. ADD THE REALLY IMPORTANT THINGS YOU DO TO YOUR ‘TO-DO’ LIST Mums are notoriously bad at recognizing and valuing the things they do achieve. Yes, these are the things that may prohibit certain other tasks from getting done, but they are the things that matter the most – attending to the needs of our children. Instead of feeling frustrated that you haven’t achieved the tasks on your list, write down what you actually are achieving. For example, “respond when baby cries” (tick), “feed baby” (tick), “keep baby safe” (tick), “cuddle baby” (tick), “talk to baby” (tick), “settle baby” (tick), “change baby” (tick)… you get the idea. “Play with toddler” (tick), “soothe toddler” (tick), “attend to sharing issues” (tick), “feed toddler” (tick), “read to toddler” (tick)… These things can take a good part of the day (and much of the night), but if you value them, you might feel less frustrated by not having achieved other tasks on list. This might allow you to feel a sense of mastery over what you have achieved, rather than a sense of inadequacy over what you have not. ADD ‘TO-BE’ TO YOUR ‘TO-DO’ Step off the ‘to-do’ treadmill and think about adding ‘to-be’ to this list. Do you set aside time to stop? Do you give yourself time to just think, sit and have a cup of tea, read, breathe deeply, contemplate, talk to a friend? It’s ludicrous to think you can just keep going, without time to relax, reflect, and rejuvenate. The other part of ‘to-be’ is to think about how you want to be. How do you want to be as a mother? How do you want to be as a spouse? How do you want to be as a daughter, friend, individual? For example, you may want to be “more calm”, “more patient”, “more fun”. To help you to make these changes, Dr Renée Miller from the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network and Dr Nicole Highet from COPE (Centre of Perinatal Excellence) designed a ‘to-do to-be’ list for you to download and use for 2020. Download our 'To-do to-be' list here HOW TO USE IT
SUMMARY Change your expectations about what is achievable, and you might be kinder to yourself. Gain some perspective on what you actually do achieve, and you might feel better about yourself. Keep a ‘to do’ list to stay on top of what needs to be done, but don’t expect to get it all done, and don’t attach your self-worth to completion. Value your role as a mother and your self-worth might get a boost. Incorporate and schedule just ‘being’ so you can rejuvenate and be a better version of yourself (without guilt). This might help you to feel less stressed. Decide how you want to be, and set your intention with each new ‘to-do to-be’ list, so you can reflect objectively on your expectations in line with the person you want to be. When you’re clear on how you want to be, your ‘to-do’ might look a little different. Happy 2020!
 Pregnancy is a time of great uncertainty - a time when horror stories are rife and fears about harm befalling one’s baby, common. Anxiety can be particularly significant for women who have experienced pregnancy losses (or vicarious losses through family or friends); been through the ‘roller coaster’ of fertility treatment; received diagnoses of fetal anomalies; or who have experienced a previous traumatic birth. In addition, an anxious temperament can pre-dispose women to heightened anxiety in pregnancy, especially in the face of stressful life events. Although anxiety tends to be seen as the 'normal' emotional landscape for pregnant women, elevated levels of anxiety can be debilitating, and can contribute to emotional disturbance in the postnatal period. Symptoms of antenatal anxiety might be overlooked by common symptoms of pregnancy such as increases in heart rate, shallow breathing, and sleep disturbance (Wenzel, 2011). In order to identify whether symptoms are problematic, the questions for women to ask themselves and/or their health practitioners are 1. "Are my symptoms interfering with my life (e.g., avoidance of usual activities for fear of feeling anxious, relationship problems, sleep disturbance, constant reassurance seeking)?" and 2. "Are my symptoms causing me distress (e.g. upsetting or intrusive thoughts and/or distressing symptoms in the body)?" (Wenzel, 2011) Women do not need to experience high levels of anxiety and worry in pregnancy or the postpartum. Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can help women to learn how to manage both the physiological (body) symptoms, and the mental worry, which can contribute to a calmer pregnancy, birth, and adjustment to new parenthood. Written by Dr Renée Miller Principal Perinatal Clinical Psychologist Founder Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network Co-founder The Perinatal Loss Centre References Wenzel, A. (2011). Anxiety in childbearing women. Washington: American Psychological Association. Wenzel, A. & Kleiman, K. (2015). Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for perinatal distress. New York: Taylor & Francis.   Perfection is like infinity. There is no end. We can keep striving to be better, yet the goal posts keep moving, and perfection eludes us. Time and time again, I see new mums who with the best of intentions for their babies and families, are striving to be ‘perfect’ mothers – to parent in the ‘perfect’ way. The reason they are in therapy, is often because this bottomless pit of striving sets them up to fail, and this perceived failure feels intolerable. There is typically a lifetime of layers beneath the surface of this striving, which is certainly worthy of exploration. Striving for perfection can seriously limit our capacity to enjoy life. Perfection-striving is often associated with all or nothing or black and whitethinking. For example, the mum who won’t go to mother’s group if she is going to be late, misses out on the building of relationships with other mums (who are often late themselves). The mum who won’t exercise if she can’t exercise three times per week, misses out on the benefits of some exercise and a little time-out. The mum who won’t invite people over unless she gets the time to make the house look immaculate, misses out on the fun and spontaneity of having other new mums and babies around for her own and her baby’s social well-being. The mum who won’t let her partner settle the baby because he/she won’t do it like she does, misses out on her partner’s support and her partner's growing bond with the baby. The bottom line is that there is no one way, and there is no right way. When your hard and fast rules about how things should be, get in the way of the things that give your life meaning (i.e. the things that you really value) ask yourself if there is a middle ground? The middle ground is a place where we strive for being ‘good-enough’ mothers. Perfectionists usually see this term “good enough” as meaning mediocre. However, ‘good-enough’ means good enough. For example, getting to mothers group late is better than not going at all. It can be a good laugh and a supportive environment. Exercising whenever possible (despite wishing to achieve three exercise sessions per week) is better than nothing, and is likely to become easier to achieve over time. Inviting friends over, even if the house is untidy, shows them that you are human after all (very comforting for most people), and demonstrates that you value friendships more than your domestic high standards. Letting your partner settle the baby even if he/she does it differently to you, knowing that this is their chance to discover what works, and to establish a good bond. The middle ground is a much kinder place – a place of acceptance, and openness to experience. Try it. You’ll see. You might even find that not only can you be a 'good-enough' mum, you can be a great mum! If these tips are not enough, and your need for perfection is causing you distress, it may be worthwhile to seek help. Written by Dr Renée Miller Principal Perinatal Clinical Psychologist Founder Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network Co-founder The Perinatal Loss Centre   "I feel like I have no control over my life" "The 'to do' list never ends" "I can't seem to finish anything I start" "My toddler is ruling the roost" "I'm trying so hard to be a good parent but I'm worried that I'm not" "I'm exhausted" Parenthood is stressful. The responsibilities and demands of a baby, toddler (or both), the sleep deprivation, the loss of freedom, the loss of control, and the never-ending 'to do list' can be overwhelming and stress inducing. Not to mention the emotional investment in wanting to parent a child who will feel safe and secure in the world, with a high emotional intelligence and a resilience to facing life's challenges. It's a big gig! Some new parents seek help to manage postnatal depression and/or postnatal anxiety. However many new parents seek help simply to manage stress. Often motivated by wanting to be the best parents they can be, parents recognise when they are operating in a revved up state. Their sleep can be affected, and they may notice symptoms of irritability, being overly touchy or sensitive, snappy, and generally not being able to wind down. Parents often report that their stress is most apparent in their relationship with their spouse, and/or in an increasing impatience with their children. There is a vast literature and much media attention educating the public on postnatal depression and more recently, postnatal anxiety. However for parents who are stressed this focus on depression and anxiety can result in a hesitation towards help-seeking in the absence of a depressed mood or an anxiety disorder. Postnatal stress can cause significant upset in families, and evidence-based treatments for stress can bring about welcomed symptom relief. So what is the difference between depression, anxiety and stress? According to the authors and researchers of the Depression, Anxiety Stress Scales (Lovibond & Lovibond, 1995) depression, anxiety and stress can co-occur, however each state has its unique symptoms. Depression symptoms include feeling negative, down-hearted, gloomy, unmotivated, dispirited, and a loss of enjoyment in things once pleasurable. Anxiety includes physiological symptoms of panic, pounding heart, shakiness, fear of losing control, and apprehension. Stress includes nervousness, jumpiness, tension, getting easily upset or irritated, and difficulty relaxing. The Psychologists at the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network (APPN) commonly use the Depression Anxiety Stress Scales (DASS-21) - a well validated screening tool that helps new parents to understand their particular symptoms. In our experience, new parents like to understand their symptoms using the DASS-21, and they find it useful to track their symptoms over time to see how they are progressing with therapy. Although scores on the DASS can delineate symptom severity and a measure of progress over time, clinical diagnoses (if relevant) require further assessment by the psychologist to ensure that appropriate treatment strategies are implemented in therapy. Treatment for stress typically involves a combination of Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy and Mindfulness based therapies. These approaches give parents tools for understanding how their thinking - expectations, appraisals and worry - contribute to their difficulties (thinking being a modifiable component in managing stress). In addition parents learn to manage their responses (physical and behavioural) in relation to life stressors and to their own fears. Practical strategies for managing daily routines can form part of the work, as well as sorting through family of origin dynamics that may underly one's problematic thinking and stress levels in the early parenting years. Learning how to wind down and relax is fundamental to this therapy for stressed new parents and parents of young children. Written by Dr Renée Miller Principal Clinical Psychologist Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network  The postpartum period can be a challenging time for women as they transition into parenthood and grapple with changes to their self-identities, physiology, and bodies. In Western culture, dominant media imagery and cultural representations depict the ‘thin-ideal’, a portrayal of thinness as a standard of female-specific attractiveness. Studies have found that in the postpartum period, women continue to hold themselves to their pre-pregnancy standards for appearance, and that they feel concerned about meeting these standards. Researchers at the Australian Catholic University are investigating women's perceptions of their post-baby bodies, along with other associated factors. They are seeking 200 women who have given birth in the past 12 months to complete an anonymous online survey. If you have the time to contribute to this research, entitled "You and Your Body After Baby", please follow this link: bit.ly/youandyourbody Thank you in anticipation. Dr Renée Miller Principal Clinical Psychologist Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network   In the emotional murkiness of fertility difficulties, pregnancy loss, antenatal and postnatal challenges, and new parenthood, thousands of women and couples have walked through our doors in the past five years, finding light at the end of the tunnel. Turning five is a milestone in anyone's book. It's a time that has brought reflection and gratitude for the meaningful position we find ourselves in - helping people through one of life's most profound stages. The childbearing years. As a network of privately practising perinatal psychologists, we came together five years ago to provide a specialised service to people of Victoria who were seeking help specifically for challenges associated with conception, childbearing and child-rearing. In five years, we have expanded to service 19 Victorian locations so that people can access help without having to travel too far. We have stayed true to six core values that underlie the trust we have gained from obstetricians, gps, midwives, maternity hospitals and maternal and child health nurses. APPN's core values Competence People seeking help need to know that the psychologist is competent - that she/he (I will use "she") is informed of the latest perinatal research and clinical evidence-base, and that she has helped other people with similar presenting problems during pregnancy and/or the postpartum. We stay up to date and active in professional development activities, and coordinate five Perinatal & Infant Mental Health Professionals Networks (Armadale, Kew, Western, Northern and Ballarat) - bringing together multi-disciplinary health practitioners from around Melbourne and Victoria for professional development opportunities. Credibility The psychologist has the qualifications, specific training, and experience to substantiate her expertise in the perinatal field. This is reflected in our criteria for inclusion of psychologists to our service. In addition to our training as psychologists, we educate ourselves in the renowned Circle of Security Parenting training, and have all undertaken specialist training in perinatal loss. Care and warmth The psychologist shows a genuine concern about the well-being of clients, helping them to build their confidence and resources for managing the difficulties they face. The psychologist is warm, and easy to engage with. Compassion The psychologist is empathic, kind and non-judgemental, with a deep-seated belief in the human capacity for psychological growth. Calm The psychologist has the temperament, experience and ability to tolerate and manage big emotions, intense grief, and crisis situations. Conscientiousness The psychologist can be trusted to care responsibly for clients and babies at risk. She communicates well with medical and obstetric practitioners, and has good relationships with maternal & child health nurses to fully support new parents. She works collaboratively with perinatal psychiatrists (knowing when to refer patients to such psychiatrists). She is vigilant about ethics, patient confidentiality, reporting, and follow-up that is in the best interest of the patient. APPN's support services for new parents and bereaved parents In addition to the counselling services we offer, we curate two Facebook pages to support both new parents and bereaved parents. These pages can be found here: www.facebook.com/antenatal.postnatal.psychology/ www.facebook.com/theperinatallosscentre/ Five years on, we thank the obstetric, medical, midwifery, and maternal and child health practitioners who continue to entrust their patients to our service. Thank you to the wonderful psychologists who work tirelessly to ensure people in need are well-supported and cared for in a timely fashion. Happy Birthday APPN! Written by Dr Renée Miller Principal Clinical Psychologist Download APPN practitioner list here. If you are a health professional interested in signing up for one of our Perinatal & Infant MHPNs, please email Amanda Osciak.   "I never expected to be flooded with so many emotions". "I feel intensely protective and utterly fearful". "I feel helpless and sometimes, useless". "I have this constant worry that something bad is going to happen". "I was traumatised from seeing my partner in labour, but I knew I had to be strong for her". "Work seems irrelevant but I feel a pressure to perform because my family is depending on me". "I don't know who I am anymore". "What's happened to my wife?" "I feel exhausted all the time". These are just some of the thoughts and feelings men have shared in the therapy rooms of the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network. Depression, anxiety and stress is common in new dads, but the focus is often on new mums. This can mean that dads feel unjustified in seeking help, and worse still, they feel like seeking help in some way implies weakness. New parenthood is a developmental stage (just like toddlerhood, adolescence, adulthood). With it comes change, uncertainty, new learning, and a need for re-definition (both for the self, and for the couple relationship). Struggling is par for the course. New parenthood forces people to acknowledge the ways in which they were parented. This can be confronting, and can present challenges for new parents, especially when their parenting backgrounds were difficult, traumatic, or significantly different from that of their partners'. Some men feel paralysed with fear about parenting like their own parents, but don't know how to do things differently, especially in the toddler years. Parenting support and guidance can make an enormous difference. Some men struggle because their partners become unwell in pregnancy or the postnatal period (with depression, anxiety, stress or in rare cases, psychosis). We often see men who have 'held the fort' while their partners were being treated, who then 'hit the wall' themselves - buckling under the unexpected pressure of taking care of their partners and babies, while trying to function at work. Speaking to a mental health professional is about resourcing yourself to better manage in this new life role. Arguably, the most important role of your life. As the Royals William, Harry and Kate discuss in this youtube video, "talking is medicine". www.youtube.com/watch?v=45RqUmxDXiY If you are struggling as a new dad, you can contact the phone counsellors at PANDA on 1300 726 306, see your GP, or seek the help of a psychologist. You may have a work Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that you could access. Centre of Perinatal Excellence (COPE) offers free emails to new dads (synced with the stage of fatherhood they are at), with trustworthy and supportive insights, strategies and advice. Dads can sign up for their emails here: www.cope.org.au/readytocope/ If you're interested in reading quality parenting articles (curated by a Clinical Psychologist), you can follow the Facebook Page of the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network. Stay informed about evidence-based parenting approaches that support you through the challenges of parenthood (especially through the toddler years). You could also follow Dr Matthew Roberts's Town Hall Dads Facebook page - dedicated to fathers. Written by Dr Renée Miller Principal Clinical Psychologist Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network   As the Principal Psychologist of the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network, part of my role involves communication. Communication to the public about specific help that is available for issues surrounding fertility, pregnancy, perinatal loss, the postnatal period, and the early parenting years. Communication about the importance of help-seeking at these vulnerable times in life. And communication that involves reassuring people that they will be met with acceptance, non-judgement, a deep caring for the fragility of the human psyche, and a belief in the capacity for human growth. In my communications role, I made the assumption that inclusivity was a given. That without judgement, we see any woman, any couple, and any formation of a family. That people are people with similarities and differences, with every person being a unique compilation of their past experiences, temperaments, likes, dislikes, preferences, fears, aspirations, disappointments, and life challenges. I used to believe that a person's sexuality was just one of the things that makes them uniquely who they are, in combination with their past experiences, temperaments, likes, dislikes, preferences, fears, aspirations, disappointments, and life challenges. With the therapeutic lens fixed squarely on the individual person in the therapy room (and the presenting issues at hand), I never saw the need to articulate that "we see same sex attracted clients", or "gender diverse clients". Indeed, I felt that stipulating this on our website, was in itself making a sexuality distinction where none was required - a potential discrimination in a back-to-front kind of way. In a similar way, I didn't see the need to state that we see people from all cultures, from all religions. Of course we do! It's our job to understand the unique aspects of the individual, who that person is, the formation of their identity, how they think, what they feel, where they've come from, what has influenced their past and current struggles, and what they want in life. My rationale was that we see women, men, and couples, for issues surrounding donor conception, for support through IVF, single women, women with fertility issues, women experiencing reproductive loss, women struggling in pregnancy or the postnatal period, and parents dealing with parenting difficulties. So why did it matter if the woman, or the couple was same sex attracted, or gender diverse? Then we invited Jacqui Tomlinson (from Rainbow Families) to talk at our Mental Health Professionals Network meeting about same sex attracted couples, IVF and loss. It was here that I appreciated the extent of the anxiety that same sex attracted/gender diverse people can feel when seeking a health professional (especially around creating a family in a heteronormative culture). When Jacqui spoke about the fear that LGBTQIA+ people can experience around not being accepted, or being treated with disdain (even by health professionals), I recognised that by virtue of their minority status, and the wounds they may carry from backgrounds of discrimination or lack of acceptance, inclusivity needed to be stated. LGBTQIA+ people need to know that we see you, we accept you, we respect you, and we welcome you, with your human frailties, your identity wounds and your capacities for resilience. Like all people from all backgrounds your identity is central to your experiences of conception, pregnancy, perinatal loss, and parenting. Whether you are doing it solo or in a gender diverse relationship, whether you are using a known or unknown donor, or surrogate, we are here to understand who you are and what you are experiencing, without judgement. We get the unique difficulties faced by LGBTQIA+ people including the prejudices of some people regarding the creation of rainbow families. We get that the sad irony of societal homophobia is that some queer people unconsciously internalise heterosexist ideas, believing that they do not have the right to be parents, that they won't be good parents or that they have to be 'perfect' parents. When there are difficulties in the childbearing years (which there are for many of us), these deep seated schemas can be sitting just under the surface of one's struggles. We get that same sex/gender diverse couples can experience some of these difficulties:
So now, as the communications person for the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network, not only do we overtly state this inclusivity on our website, we ensure that our ongoing training and professional development includes LGBTQIA+ specific topics, and that LGBTQIA+ populations are represented in the topics we cover.
Written by Dr Renée Miller Principal Clinical Psychologist Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network   The ‘mental load’ of motherhood is a hot topic at the moment. Mums find themselves managing a heap of hidden tasks that involve researching, planning and organising for the family. Remembering to buy those thoughtful birthday gifts for little friends, meal planning that caters to the health and idiosyncrasies of the family; organising, researching, scheduling and booking after school activities and play dates. Reading countless social media parenting posts with their children’s emotional well-being in mind. And this is just a snapshot of a mother’s brain. The work that goes on in our minds is invisible. You might see mum buying and wrapping the birthday gifts, shopping for food and cooking meals, driving to after school activities, going to play dates at friends’ houses. What you don’t see, is the thinking that goes on behind the scenes. Many of my clients struggle with this load, especially when their expectations of themselves are overly high or unrealistic. Many modern women say that they thought their partners or husbands were ‘modern guys’, men who valued gender equality, equal rights, in some cases even espousing the virtues of feminism. Then the children came. It can take women some time to realise the inequality that slips in behind the scenes. The default to traditional roles embedded in the psyche of their partners, and ironically, of themselves. The unfortunate result can be overwhelm and resentment. Resentment at their partners for happily allowing the load to fall on their shoulders, resentment at their partners for not understanding the extent of the load, and anger at themselves for enabling this inequity. Dr Gwyn Rees, psychologist at the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network, makes the following suggestions:
https://www.gottman.com/ https://www.drdansiegel.com/
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