I’ve talked with many frazzled parents in the past few weeks. Mums and dads who have been grappling with the transition to life with a baby at home, or returning to paid work after a period of time away. Young children starting kindergarten. Older children anticipating and adjusting to the new demands of school life. 

Mums and dads have spoken of the flow of life being turned upside down. Tears, sleepless nights, anticipatory anxiety, self doubt and exhaustion. It has struck me that much of the stress we parents feel around these transitions comes from expecting things to go smoothly. 

Many of us approach these life changes with expectations that are unrealistic and unfair. Then, when we experience adjustment struggles, often trying so hard to get things ‘right’, self criticism and self blame can quickly follow.

For example, adjusting to life with a baby. The antenatal classes, the reading and the daydreaming don't prepare us for the upheaval, chaos and sleeplessness that inevitably occurs. Stepping into parenting for the first time is one of the biggest transitions we make in life, and many of us expect to move seamlessly from one stage of life to the next, without missing a beat….or perhaps we do allow ourselves a period of adjustment but soon start saying things like, "I should know what I’m doing by now!"….and feeling inadequate as a result. 

Then there are the unexpected, unwanted events and experiences that arise…the ‘curve balls’ that life throws us from time to time and the ‘adjustments’ that are made to accommodate these experiences. Infertility, loss, illness. Interestingly, even these events seem to come with a set of expectations or judgments; “I should be over this”, “what’s wrong with me”’ “I should be able to cope with this.” 

Transitions, losses, unwanted experiences will continue to happen for all of us…these things are part of being human. However, there is a more supportive way to approach these experiences which can ease the associated suffering. 

Self compassion.

There is  a growing body of research behind self-compassion, demonstrating that it can be extremely helpful at times of struggle. Self-compassion is the antidote to our inner critic. It is the kindness we bring to ourselves when we feel like we’ve failed, or when we experience pain or loss due to forces beyond our control.

You may be thinking thoughts like these:

“I should love being a mother, what’s wrong with me?”
“Why am I the only one who’s not coping?”
“I should feel better by now ”
“My child is never going to be happy at school”
”I hate feeling like I don’t know what I’m doing”,

 Self-compassion (with a deep breath and a kind voice) sounds like this:

“There are no rules about how parenting should feel”
“We are all learning as we go”
“I can cope with making mistakes and learning from them”
“Most new experiences are stressful at first. My child will adjust over time”
“I can cope with not knowing what I’m doing, and can ask for help if I need to”.

An important ingredient in taking a kinder, more compassionate stance towards ourselves is acknowledging that it is part of being human to sometimes make mistakes, to not be who we wanted to be, or to have unwanted experiences happen to us. Tapping into this universal experience of human suffering or struggle can be comforting and reduce feelings of isolation…”why am I the only one not coping?” becomes “we all feel like we are not coping at times.”

Self compassion can be as simple as thinking about what you would say to a friend or a loved one who is experiencing the same struggle or difficulty as you, and applying your kind words to yourself. It won’t change the difficult situation, but it will remove the added pressure of self criticism and increase your capacity to adjust to whatever it is you’re struggling with.

If you’d like to learn more about Self Compassion, Kristen Neff (a self compassion researcher) has a great website: www.self-compassion.org

Mums often feel stressed and overwhelmed by the never ending ‘to-do’ list. When we become parents, there are countless things to be done. 
 
Attending to the many and varied needs of our child/children, washing, cooking, cleaning, shopping, folding, tidying, arranging outings, drop offs, pick ups, medical appointments, and on it goes.  
 
In the midst of the perpetual ‘to-do’ list, mums often just keep doing - driven by the desire to feel a sense of completion. The problem is that the completion is rarely attained. We chase our tails trying to finish the list, only to bear witness to its endless regeneration. 
 
We stay up late to get things done, we permanently feel exhausted, becoming less efficient and more overwhelmed by the looming list. As a result, we beat ourselves up for not achieving what we’d hoped. With the weight of this inner turmoil, we can become more stressed, less patient, and more snappy. Then, we feel even worse about ourselves.

So how do we change this vicious cycle?
 
CHANGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS
 
Let go of the need to experience the full completion. Allow yourself to feel satisfied by achieving one thing at a time. Change your relationship with the idea of “getting it all done”, and let yourself feel gratification from getting something/some things done.  
 
In other words, change your expectations about what is achievable. By all means, keep a ‘to-do’ list so you don’t have to store things in your head, but accept that the list is ever evolving. 
 
ADD THE REALLY IMPORTANT THINGS YOU DO TO YOUR ‘TO-DO’ LIST
 
Mums are notoriously bad at recognizing and valuing the things they do achieve. Yes, these are the things that may prohibit certain other tasks from getting done, but they are the things that matter the most – attending to the needs of our children. 
 
Instead of feeling frustrated that you haven’t achieved the tasks on your list, write down what you actually are achieving. For example, “respond when baby cries” (tick), “feed baby” (tick), “keep baby safe” (tick), “cuddle baby” (tick), “talk to baby” (tick), “settle baby” (tick), “change baby” (tick)… you get the idea. 
 
“Play with toddler” (tick), “soothe toddler” (tick), “attend to sharing issues” (tick), “feed toddler” (tick), “read to toddler” (tick)…
 
These things can take a good part of the day (and much of the night), but if you value them, you might feel less frustrated by not having achieved other tasks on list. This might allow you to feel a sense of mastery over what you have achieved, rather than a sense of inadequacy over what you have not.
 
ADD ‘TO-BE’ TO YOUR ‘TO-DO’
 
Step off the ‘to-do’ treadmill and think about adding ‘to-be’ to this list. Do you set aside time to stop? Do you give yourself time to just think, sit and have a cup of tea, read, breathe deeply, contemplate, talk to a friend? It’s ludicrous to think you can just keep going, without time to relax, reflect, and rejuvenate.
 
The other part of ‘to-be’ is to think about how you want to be. How do you want to be as a mother? How do you want to be as a spouse? How do you want to be as a daughter, friend, individual? For example, you may want to be “more calm”, “more patient”, “more fun”.
 
To help you to make these changes, Dr Renée Miller from the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network and Dr Nicole Highet from COPE (Centre of Perinatal Excellence) designed a ‘to-do to-be’ list for you to download and use for 2019.
 
HOW TO USE IT

1. Download and print a few copies. There are two lists on an A4 page. (To be environmentally savvy, you might want to print on the back of previously used A4 paper).
2. Cut down the centre (or if you have a child old enough to do the cutting – there’s a nice craft activity right there).
3. Place a bulldog clip at the top (a magnetic one if you want to display it on the fridge).
4. Under “TO DO”, write down all the things you do (this is simply to get some perspective on the things you might otherwise not value).
5. Under “TO BE”, write down the things you’d like to be.
6. Set that list aside (a perspective gaining exercise).
7. Now... use the blank ‘to-do to-be” lists in your everyday life. 

 
SUMMARY
 
Change your expectations about what is achievable, and you might be kinder to yourself. 
 
Gain some perspective on what you actually do achieve, and you might feel better about yourself. 

Keep a ‘to do’ list to stay on top of what needs to be done, but don’t expect to get it all done, and don’t attach your self-worth to completion. 

Value your role as a mother and your self-worth might get a boost.  

Incorporate and schedule just ‘being’ so you can rejuvenate and be a better version of yourself (without guilt). This might help you to feel less stressed. 
 
Decide how you want to be, and set your intention with each new ‘to-do to-be’ list, so you can reflect objectively on your expectations in line with the person you want to be.

When you’re clear on how you want to be, your ‘to-do’ might look a little different.

Download our 'To-do to-be' list here
​

The birth of a baby brings about significant changes to new parents - changes to their identities, their life-responsibilities and their relationships. The same can be said for new grandparents. At a time when they may be appreciating a new-found freedom, new grandparents face a re-orientation towards participating in their children’s and now grandchildren’s lives.

New parents are often exhausted, vulnerable, and desperate for practical and emotional support. They can hold expectations of their families based on assumptions they haven’t verbalised. As a result, new parents can feel disappointed when these expectations are not met.

Similarly, when a baby is born, new grandparents can hold their own ideas about their grandparenting roles and about the involvement they wish to have in the lives of their children’s offspring. Some grandparents can feel shut out of their grandchildren’s lives, and others can feel overly responsible to be available at all times.
 
What about when there are no grandparents?
Although family dynamics can be complicated, some new parents have no family support and can feel alone and isolated. For these families, the charity organisation, Caring Mums, trains older mums who volunteer their time to make weekly visits to families needing practical and emotional support. As part of their training, these volunteers learn to withhold their opinions, and to focus on fostering confidence in new parents, by supporting them to find their own way with their babies.
 
I was invited by Caring Mums to give a fundraising talk, entitled “Grandparenting in the 21st Century”. Drawing from many years as a perinatal (pregnancy and postnatal) psychologist, I had heard many stories about the ways in which grandparents become involved in families’ lives – in some cases providing invaluable support and fostering beautiful relationships with their grandchildren, and in other cases being uninvolved or even undermining the parents’ wishes. Needless to say, I had much to draw upon.
 
However, prior to the talk, I decided to do a little additional research. I posted a question on a mother-baby social media site asking mums to share their experiences regarding the “Dos and Don’ts” of grandparenting - "...what helps and what hinders?". Many mums responded, both publicly and privately. I collated their responses and shared this list with the grandparents who attended the talk.
 
•   Call before coming over
•   Only give advice when asked
•   Ask what support is needed
•   Just help, don’t offer
•   Help with practical tasks such as cooking, shopping, washing
•   Never do our washing
•   When visiting, bring a meal
•   Just do what needs to be done
•   Ask before you do things around the house
•   Don’t take the baby unless asked to. Let the new parents learn about their baby and develop good bonds
•   When you come over, offer to take baby and let Mum shower
•   Turn visitors away in the first 3 weeks
•   If you had a similar problem, tell the parents what you did, not what they should do
•   Get your vaccines done
•   Give predictable times when helping with grandchildren
•   Don’t compete with the other grandparents
•   Remember things have changed since you had children
•   Don’t say “we survived without….”, “we never did…..”
•   Don’t stay all day or expect to be waited on
•   Don’t force children to kiss/hug you
•   Babysitting is a privilege not a right
•   Listen without trying to solve problems
•   Don’t criticize without giving a solution
•   Don’t criticize!
•   When we do things differently to you, don’t take it as a personal criticism
•   Don’t judge a messy house
•   Don’t talk about mum’s pregnancy or post-baby weight
•   Don’t say “my baby”
•   Stick to the same rules as the parents
•   Don’t undermine the parents’ rules
•   Don’t give junk food to children if parents have asked you not to
•   Don’t say to the child “I’ll get into trouble if I give you that”
•   Do special things with the grandchildren
•   Tell the parents they are doing a good job
 
Two things struck me
1. There were obvious differences among mums about what constitutes support. Largely, the differences around asking about what can be done versus just doing it. Differences were evident between mums regarding the things they feel comfortable about grandparents doing for them. What is helpful and non-judgemental to one woman can be considered to be intrusive and laden with judgement to another.
 
2. When I shared the list of “Dos and Don’ts” to the grandparents who attended the talk, it was met with a resounding applause. The grandparents in the group agreed wholeheartedly with these requests. I was surprised. I was expecting to be met with some defensive responses about grandparents feeling used or misunderstood. But this was not the case. These grandparents agreed that the requests were reasonable.
 
Now it could be argued that the grandparents who chose to attend this talk were a group who had put a lot of thought into their grandparenting roles already - a group who had considered carefully how to best support their offspring and grandchildren. A group interested in doing the best they could as grandparents, hence their attendance at a talk such as this.
 
What I discovered
Notwithstanding that I may have struck a particularly supportive group of grandparents, a number of things became evident from my informal research across both groups:

• Some parents don’t know how to ask for help, or feel inadequate if they need help. This leaves grandparents uncertain as to whether the parents want them around. Not wanting to be intrusive, grandparents might hold back and wait to be asked. Parents can then assume that the grandparents aren’t interested in being involved, and can feel resentful or unsupported. Grandparents can feel under-valued, and unwanted.
• Some grandparents want so desperately to help or to forge relationships with their grandchildren that they become over-involved, giving unsolicited advice in their efforts to spare the parents (or themselves) distress. This can feel intrusive for the parents, who - especially in a vulnerable state - can receive grandparents’ actions or advice as criticism of the job they are doing.
• Some grandparents struggle with saying “no” to endless requests for help, to the extent that one grandparent in the group questioned whether it was ok to take a holiday.

 
Take home messages
There is an intrinsic complexity in these relationships, given the shared histories (joys and hurts) between grandparents and their children (the new parents).  But what can we learn from what parents and grandparents told me?
 
1.   Don’t assume
 
As was evident in the list, what is helpful for one person might not be helpful for another. Everyone is different. Similarly for grandparents, the role and the extent to which grandparents want to be involved differs from one grandparent to the next. It is not helpful for either party to assume that they know what the other is thinking, expecting or wanting.
 
2   Communicate
 
It is vital to talk to one another. When grandparents ask the new parents what they can do to help, this communicates not only a willingness to offer practical support, but it allows grandparents to tune in to their adult children’s needs and to really be there for them at this challenging time. It is ok for grandparents to express their desires to help as well as their conflicts around not wanting to interfere. This may be better for new parents to know as opposed to grandparents holding back, leaving new parents to make assumptions (e.g. “they don’t care”).  
 
Similarly, it is ok for grandparents to put limits on their time. In fact, many new parents have told me that they appreciate knowing what the grandparents feel is a reasonable amount of time spent with the grandchildren. Many new parents appreciate a predictable commitment of time so they can schedule breaks or time to get things done. And this can give grandparents precious time alone with their grandchildren.
 
Parents crave respect for their parenting choices, particularly when parenting opinions and judgements are rife in their everyday lives. They may ask for the grandparents’ opinions and they may not. This is their time to discover what works and what doesn’t. Remember, parents want to do what they believe is best for their child.
 
Summary
Sleep-deprived new parents can feel sensitive to well-intentioned comments or perceived judgements by grandparents. Many new parents grapple with defining the kinds of parents they want to be to their child. Their values come in part from what worked and what didn’t work for them in their childhoods. As this unfolds, closeness, differences, unresolved issues and stress can be triggered between new parents and grandparents.
 
Parents, tell grandparents what is helpful. More often than not they are wanting to do what helps, but they get can get it wrong when their actions are based on assumptions. Show them that you appreciate their efforts. Encourage them to forge special relationships with their grandchildren. Let them have some autonomy in their grandparenting without compromising the things that are really important to you. When you are not happy with something they are doing or not doing, express it in a calm, respectful way.
 
Parents, remember that grandparents have done their hard yards in parenting and working. Check in on how involved they want to be with the grandchildren. Respect this time in their lives by asking for help, not expecting it, and by showing your appreciation when you receive it. Indeed it could be argued that grandparents' care of your children is a “privilege not a right” - your privilege.
 
Grandparents, remember that parents won’t get it all right (they are human, just like you). They will be stretched physically and emotionally as parents. They need to know that you are there, and that you care. If they want your advice, let them ask for it. If you want to give advice, ask them if they would like to hear it.
 
Conclusion
Parenting and grandparenting are profound roles that shape families and leave enduring memories in children’s lives. Consider how you would like your children and grandchildren to remember family life. Share these goals with one another, express yourselves respectfully, show gratitude, and look after one another.
 
Written by Dr Renée Miller (Perinatal Clinical Psychologist)
Founder of the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network 
 
Thank you to the mums who generously shared their experiences on Babies Toddlers Kids Melbourne.
Thank you to the grandparents who attended the fundraising talk for Caring Mums, who shared their compassion and wisdom.
 
Further information about Caring Mums and donations to this important charity can be made here.
​​ ​

Life feels hard. You’re feeling anxious, stressed, overwhelmed. You’re feeling flat, lost, unhappy. You’ve been through difficult life experiences that are weighing you down. Perhaps you’re not functioning as well as you’d like to. 

Let’s face it, we all struggle at times in our lives, especially when it comes to becoming parents, and everything that goes with this tumultuous life stage.
 
You might be contemplating talking to someone, but also wondering “what would be the point?” “How could talking to a psychologist help me?”  
 
Nowadays we rely on reviews to find out about other people’s experiences. As  psychologists, we are prohibited from eliciting and publishing client testimonials, making it difficult for people to find out how therapy works for others. 
 
However, the psychologists at the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network constantly receive feedback from our clients about their experiences of therapy. So we decided to pull together feedback we’ve received over the years, to bring to light the commonly reported benefits of therapy. 
 
Please note that no identities have been revealed in the compilation of this list. The headings are written in the first person and are in no particular order.
 
Feeling heard, accepted and validated
 
Some people come to therapy reporting that when they were growing up, their feelings were not heard. With the best of intentions, parents can minimize or dismiss the feelings of their children, sending messages that their feelings are a sign of weakness, that they should just get on with things, or that their feelings signal catastrophe. 
 
Clients have reported that therapy provides them with a safe environment in which to identify and share their feelings. Once a good relationship and rapport has been established with their therapist, clients value that their feelings are accepted, are encouraged to be ‘felt’ (rather than shied away from or feared), and that their feelings are valid (“it makes sense that you feel that way”).
 
Feeling ‘lighter’ by getting things off my chest
 
In some instances, a client’s therapist is the first person to whom they have disclosed past experiences, distressing thoughts, or shameful feelings. By simply getting this information out, clients report feeling lighter – less consumed by their self-criticism, shame or fear of being judged. Within a trusted client-therapist relationship, repair can begin with the acceptance, validation and non-judgement the therapist brings.
 
Learning that all feelings pass
 
Interestingly, many clients report that being allowed to feel and express their feelings, along with having their feelings accepted and validated, provides an environment within which they learn that feelings evolve and change over time. By talking things through, feelings shift, and the intensity of the original feelings (often shame) diminishes.
 
Understanding why I think and react the way I do
 
In exploring the past, people learn about the ways in which they experience, and deal with their feelings – both internally and in relationships with other people. With insight into why they think and feel the way they do, their responses can be de-automated, giving them more choice and capacity to respond more adaptively. Clients learn to bring self-compassion to what was once habitual self-criticism.
 
Recognising that my expectations and assumptions underlie my feelings and behaviours.
            
In exploring the past, people learn about how their expectations were formed and how their expectations cause them to feel and react in certain ways. In therapy, clients learn to challenge their expectations, and to defer to their values as their guide, rather than to their habitual internal narratives.

Examples of unhelpful beliefs:
 
As a mother, I should know exactly what my baby needs at all times.
If I can’t exercise 3 times per week, I won’t exercise at all.
Everything I do should be done perfectly otherwise I’ve failed.
If I don’t get enough sleep tonight, I won’t be able to function tomorrow.
I am uninteresting to others, so I avoid meeting new people.
My child should know to behave well when we go out.
 
Examples of assumptions:
 
She thinks I’m a terrible mum because she uses cloth nappies, and I don’t.
My partner won’t know what to do if I leave the baby with him.
The mothers at mothers’ group think I’m a bad mum because my baby cries more than the other babies.
No one cares about my grief after my miscarriage.
I’m a bad person because I had that awful thought.
 
Learning to see another person’s point of view /emotional experience
 
It can be enlightening when people realize that they have been making assumptions about other people’s behavior or responses to them. They learn that there are many potential explanations other than the ones they were subscribing to. When people learn about their own projections onto other people, they also learn that other people project their fears too. When clients see that everyone sees things from their own perspective, they can come to recognize that trying to please others is futile, and that even if theyarejudged by another person, this is tolerable.
 
Learning how to live in the present and not engage in ‘what if’ thoughts
 
Clients learn the value of living in the present moment, of asking themselves “what’s required of me now”, rather than entertaining a litany of catastrophic thoughts about what could go wrong in the future. With practise, recognizing and stopping “what if” thoughts can liberate clients from worry.
 
Learning to accept what I can’t control
 
Clients can become practised at recognizing what’s not in their control. As a result, they can develop more confidence about acting on what isin their control, and accepting what is not controllable. 
 
Learning of skills
 
Skills learnt in therapy include 

• becoming more assertive in relationships 
• learning better ways of communicating and listening 
• learning to self-regulate when triggered
• learning coping strategies for when things get hard
• facing fears (in a supported environment), and becoming less fearful and anxious
• learning how to survive loss and rebuild life
• learning how to set goals and commit to achieving them
• accessing compassion for self and others in place of criticism and judgement 
• identifying values, and making decisions based on these
• understanding and responding to baby’s cues, thereby becoming a more confident parent
• becoming a better parent by hearing, accepting and validating children, while being clear on boundaries and limits

 
Overall, clients have reported becoming better versions of themselves - more tolerant of their own and others’ imperfections, feeling worthy of being cared for and seeing the value in caring for themselves. And, as a result, clients have reported an improvement in their moods and relationships, and a strengthening in their sense of selves and their meaning in life.
 
Written by Dr Renée Miller
​Principal Clinical Psychologist
Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network 

Four years ago today, the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network was formed. We began with 5 colleagues with shared backgrounds and a passion for perinatal mental health. It wasn't long before the demand for our service propelled us to join with other respected colleagues in the field. Practising in various locations around Melbourne and Victoria, this expanded collaboration meant that women, men and couples (often with babies in tow) did not need to travel vast distances to find the help they needed.

From there, our Network flourished into what it is today. A service of 16 highly qualified and experienced perinatal clinicians in 18 Melbourne locations (including the Mornington Peninsula and Ballarat). Our psychologists work tirelessly to ensure that clients are seen in a timely fashion with care, compassion, and the expertise this specialised field demands. We stay up to date with ongoing professional development - both teaching and learning, and we share valuable resources that enhance our work with our clients. 

We work closely with services that support perinatal clients including Centre of Perinatal Excellence (COPE), PANDA, Sands Australia, and Caring Mums. We also work alongside the Perinatal Psychiatry Network to ensure that the full spectrum of perinatal care is provided.

Needless to say, we LOVE what we do. I feel so grateful to be surrounded by such talented clinicians who together, contribute to a caring and supportive collegial culture, and who share a deep-seated belief in the capacity for human growth. 

Thank you to the psychologists in our Network for your commitment and endless enthusiasm. And thank you to the gps, obstetricians, midwives, Maternal & Child Health nurses, and other health professionals who support the emotional health of perinatal patients, and who continue to recommend our service.

With gratitude,

Dr Renée Miller
​Principal Clinical Psychologist

Conception, pregnancy, the postnatal period, and the early parenting years can pose difficulties for many people. Practitioners like to stay abreast of the common challenges people face, and the treatments that may help their patients with such challenges. In order to do this, ongoing research is vital.

The Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network provides an online research portal for academic researchers (in the perinatal field) to post their studies to reach women in pregnancy and the postnatal period.

If you are pregnant or new mum, and you have the time or inclination to participate in a research study, your participation could further inform practitioners who work with hopeful parents, pregnancy, birth, the postnatal period, and early parenthood?

​Click here to see if you are eligible to participate in one of the listed studies. 

The latest listed studies explore emotional wellbeing in same sex attracted women, and 'baby brain' in pregnant women.

Latrobe University:
Emotional Wellbeing in Sexual Minority Women in the Perinatal Period
Same sex attracted pregnant women and new mums

Deakin University:
Does late pregnancy affect women's cognitive functioning?
Women in third trimester of pregnancy and women who are not pregnant, have never been pregnant and are not planning to become pregnant in the next 12 months

Thank you for your consideration and potential contribution towards these important research studies.

Mothers’ Day can be tinged with sadness and pain. For women desperately wanting to be mothers. The agonizing torment associated with assisted reproduction and infertility. Hopelessness.  Self-blame.  Isolation. Fear about an unfulfilled future. Mothers’ Day can accentuate this despair.

For women who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, or the later loss of a child. Mothers’ Day can be torturous.

And for women, who have lost their mothers (or other loved ones), a myriad of mixed emotions may be present whilst experiencing a ‘celebration’ of their own motherhood.

Whatever your pain on Mothers’ Day, wishing you the self-love and compassion to nurture yourself, and to allow yourself to be cared for.

With the warmest of thoughts
Dr Renée Miller
​Principal Clinical Psychologist