The children are asleep. The house is quiet. You're exhausted. Time to sleep.
But you can't.
Your mind is rehashing the day. Thoughts come up about tomorrow, next week, the future.
And then you start worrying about not being able to sleep. You look at the clock. Time is moving.
You think "how am I going to get through tomorrow?"
You try deep breathing. That helps. But your mind is still going.
You say to yourself "stop thinking and go to sleep".
You put on relaxation music, but your mind is still going.
You start to feel anxious.
You count sheep, but your thoughts creep back in.
The more you 'try' to sleep, the more sleep eludes you.

Sleep onset difficulties strike many busy parents. Dr Luc Beaudoin, is an adjunct Professor in Cognitive Science at Simon Fraser University. He says that when our brain's executive function is 'firing', we are accessing memory, evaluation, planning, scheduling, and problem solving. He refers to this as "mental peturbance". When these mental actions are in play, our brains are too active to settle to sleep.

Dr Beaudoin has developed a simple cognitive tool  that interrupts and counteracts these processes. It's called "cognitive shuffling".

The approach moves you from of a high state of alertness, towards drifting off to sleep. Cognitive shuffling scrambles your thoughts so that your brain can't try to make sense of things. It interrupts the processes of memory, evaluation, planning, scheduling and problem solving.

Here's how it's done.

1. Pick a word such as "bedtime".
2. Begin with the first letter "b" and think of a word that starts with the letter "b". For example "broom". Bring up the mental image of a broom. Then think of another word that begins with the letter "b" and visualise that word. Keep going until you run out of words that begin with the letter "b". You're unlikely to run out of 'b' words, but if you do...
3. Go to the next letter in "bedtime" - "e", and think of words that begin with "e". Visualise the words as you think of them.
4. Continue at your own pace, but just keep going until you fall asleep. Dr Beaudoin recommends if stressful thoughts come your way, just acknowledge them and go back to shuffling your thoughts instead.
5. An additional tip:  B R E A T H E  IN  as you come up with the word. B R E A T H E  OUT as you visualise the word. If it takes longer to visualise the word, you'll be giving yourself lovely long out-breaths which will help to calm your body.

Sleep deprivation is a harsh reality of parenthood, but there's nothing more frustrating than not being able to sleep because of your own mind. Dr Beaudoin's cognitive shuffling technique, may be the answer to settling your busy mind, and optimising your sleep.

If you need a little help, Dr Beaudoin has translated cognitive science into a sleep app called mysleepbutton.com®.

Publications:
http://www.sfu.ca/~lpb/pubs.html

Written by Dr Renée Miller
Perinatal Clinical Psychologist
Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network

Pregnancy and parenting after loss can be emotionally complex.

There may be relief, and the potential for joy in discovering you are pregnant again. But these feelings can be tarnished by the pain of what you have lost.

Fear that the pregnancy might end, can make it difficult to connect with the baby, while uncertainty and the experience of loss, can heighten anxiety.

It can feel like a mixed bag of emotions, with guilt often leading the way — fearing that being happy about this baby somehow means forgetting the baby who died.

A rainbow baby does not erase the baby who died
Those around bereaved parents may understandably, hope that a subsequent baby will bring healing. But this can sometimes create an unspoken expectation that the grief should be done with, or that the new baby should somehow make everything okay.

A new pregnancy does not undo grief.

Becoming a parent again does not mean you have stopped being a bereaved parent.

Once you have experienced loss, you know that pregnancy does not always have the ending you hoped for. It can therefore be incredibly difficult to surrender to the optimism that pregnancy is often expected to bring.

You can hold two emotions at one time
One of the most difficult things for parents after loss can be the presence of conflicting emotions.

​You may feel incredibly grateful to be pregnant again, while desperately missing the baby you lost.

You may feel excited when you see your baby’s heartbeat, then feel guilty for experiencing happiness.

You may love your new baby deeply while continuing to grieve the child who came before.

These emotions do not cancel each other out.

Grief and joy can coexist
It may be more helpful to think of emotions after loss as both/and, rather than either/or.

You can love this baby and love the baby you lost.

You can feel hopeful and  feel frightened.

You can celebrate and grieve.

You can be deeply grateful and still wish things had been different.

There is no emotional rule that says welcoming one baby means forgetting another.

Your rainbow baby is not a replacement
One of the most important things to understand about having a baby after loss is that the new baby does not replace the baby who died.

They are their own person.

They will have their own personality, their own place in your family and their own relationship with you.

The baby you lost holds their unique place in your family story too.

Love is not finite.

There is room for the both the sibling you remember, and the child you are raising.

The birth may not bring the relief you imagined
For some parents, there is an expectation that everything will feel okay once their baby is safely born.

But birth does not necessarily switch off anxiety.

After experiencing loss, the nervous system can remain alert to danger even when the immediate threat has passed. Some parents find themselves watching their newborn constantly, checking their breathing, struggling to sleep or feeling frightened when their baby is unwell.

Some people experience an unexpected emotional response after birth — including numbness, disbelief, guilt or even difficulty bonding.

This does not mean you do not love your baby.

Sometimes the mind needs time to understand that this time, the baby is here.

The transition from pregnancy after loss to parenting a living baby can itself be an emotional adjustment.

Parents may simultaneously be celebrating their newborn while grieving the absence of the baby they had hoped would be here with them.

You don’t have to feel grateful all the time
Parents who have experienced loss are sometimes told how “lucky” or “blessed” they are to have another baby.
Although these comments are usually well-intentioned, they can inadvertently create pressure.

You do not have to feel grateful every minute.

You do not have to enjoy every moment.

You do not have to stop grieving because your baby is healthy.

Parenthood is complicated under any circumstances. After loss, it can be particularly important to give yourself permission to experience the full range of emotions without judging yourself for them.

Finding a way to remember
Some parents find comfort in continuing to acknowledge the baby they lost.

This might mean keeping photographs, a memory box, a special piece of clothing or a piece of jewellery. It might mean using their baby’s name, acknowledging their birthday or remembering them in family traditions.

There is no correct way to remember. What matters is finding something that feels meaningful to you.

Be gentle with yourself
Pregnancy and parenthood after loss can be exhausting because you may be carrying two experiences at once: the anticipation of a new life and the grief of a life that ended.

​If you are struggling, seeking psychological support is not a sign that you are failing to cope. Pregnancy after loss can bring significant anxiety, grief, trauma responses and depression, and professional support can help you navigate these experiences.

It can also help to tell your maternity care team about your previous loss. Specialist or continuity-of-care models can provide additional emotional and clinical support during a subsequent pregnancy.

Most importantly, there is no particular way you should feel.

Perhaps your rainbow brings immense joy.

Perhaps the rainbow feels frightening.

Perhaps you don’t use the term at all.

Perhaps you feel all of these things at different times.

There is no right emotional response to having a baby after loss.

A rainbow does not mean the storm never happened.

It means that something beautiful can exist alongside what has been lost.

​And sometimes, healing is not about leaving the grief behind. It is about learning that love for the baby you lost and love for the baby in your arms, can exist together.

Written by Dr Renée Miller
Principal Clinical Psychologist
Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network
Perinatal Loss Educator and Founder of The Perinatal Loss Centre
www.theperinatallosscentre.com.au

Early relationships shape our nervous system, our sense of self, and our expectations of others.

Our early experiences, especially with caregivers, play a powerful role in shaping how we feel about ourselves and how we regulate our emotions.

When early experiences involved extreme inconsistency, absence, overwhelm, lack of emotional safety, or frequent feelings of distress, we may carry forward patterns such as:

• Anxiety or hypervigilance
• Emotional shutdown or disconnection
• A strong inner critic or sense of not being ‘good enough’
• A tendency to please others and put our own needs aside

These patterns are not flaws. They are adaptive responses to early experiences, developed to protect the self at the time.

Why patterns show up in major life transitions

Pregnancy, birth, and early parenting are times of significant emotional and physical change. Patterns of operating – developed in our earlier years – may arise because

• We are moving into a caregiving role, which can activate our own early experiences of being cared for
• We may experience an increase in vulnerability, dependency, and need for support
• Sleep deprivation, hormonal changes, and stress can reduce our coping capacity
• Relationship dynamics may shift, placing new demands on communication, perceived support, and trust

Parenting young children can also trigger a myriad of unconscious responses, fears, parental expectation, and emotional reactivity. You may feel more anxious, overwhelmed or unsure of yourself. You might find yourself being more sensitive to your partner’s actions or responses. You may notice strong emotional reactions that feel out of proportion or that are hard to understand.

How EMDR can help

EMDR is widely known as an effective therapy for processing trauma. However, many people find that their difficulties are not linked to a single traumatic event, but rather to patterns that developed over time, or to persistent thoughts, self-beliefs, and feelings that don’t seem to shift.

Attachment-informed EMDR is an adapted therapeutic approach that incorporates an understanding of how early relationships shape our nervous system, sense of self, and expectations of others.
 
EMDR can help in the following ways:

• Developing internal resources (e.g. nurturing, protective, or wise figures)
• Strengthening your capacity to stay present with emotions
• Identifying and processing past experiences, including early experiences you may not have considered impactful
• Addressing what may have been missing (such as soothing, protection, or attunement)
• Understanding and shifting how you feel about yourself, and how this impacts your relationships and responses in the present

You do not need to have clear or detailed memories for this work to be effective.

By processing earlier experiences in a safe and supported way, addressing memories, feelings held in the body, and old beliefs, your nervous system can begin to update how it responds in the present.

This often means that:

• Situations that once felt overwhelming may become more manageable
• Emotional reactions may feel less intense or more in proportion to what is happening now
• You may be less likely to get caught in old patterns of self-criticism, anxiety, or shutdown
• You may have more choice in how you respond to yourself and others

​Over time, this can lead to a stronger sense of confidence, stability, and self-compassion in your day-to-day life and relationships. Talk to your therapist about whether EMDR therapy might be a useful adjunct to your therapy.

Written by Dr Gwyn Rees, Perinatal Clinical Psychologist
Antenatal and Postnatal Psychology Network.

"I never expected to be flooded with so many emotions".
"I feel intensely protective and utterly fearful".
"I feel helpless and useless sometimes".
"I have this constant worry that something bad is going to happen".
"I felt traumatised seeing my partner go through labour, but I knew I had to be strong for her".
"Work seems kind of meaningless right now, but I feel a pressure to perform because my family is depending on me".
"I don't know who I am anymore".
"What's happened to my wife?"
"I feel exhausted all the time".

These are just some of the thoughts and feelings men have shared in the therapy rooms of the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network.

Depression, anxiety and stress is common in new fathers, but the focus is often on new mums. As a result, many dads feel that their struggles are less important, unjustified, or best dealt with on their own. Sadly, some men fear that seeking help is a sign of weakness.

The reality is that new parenthood is a major developmental transition, much like adolescence or early adulthood. It brings profound change, uncertainty, new learning, and a need for re-definition of the self and one's relationship. Feeling challenged during this transition is not a sign that something is wrong; it's par for the course. 

For many men, fatherhood also shines a light on their own childhood experiences. New parenthood can force us to reflect on how we were raised, what we want to carry forward and what we hope to do differently. This can be confronting, particularly when a man's own upbringing was difficult, traumatic or very different from that of his partner.

Some men feel paralysed by the fear of repeating patterns from their own childhood, while having little idea of how to parent differently. This is especially common as children move into the toddler years. Parenting support and guidance can make an enormous difference, helping fathers build confidence and develop practical, effective ways of responding to their children.

Some men struggle because their partners become unwell in pregnancy or the postnatal period with depression, anxiety, stress or in rare cases, psychosis. We often see fathers who have 'held the fort' while supporting their partner and caring for their baby. Once the immediate crisis has passed, they can find themselves emotionally depleted, overwhelmed, and struggling under the weight of responsibilities they never anticipated.

Seeking support from a mental health professional is not a sign of weakness. It is about equipping dads with the resources, skills and support needed to navigate one of life's most important roles.

This video "Talking is medicine" with Prince William, Harry and Catherine, Princess of Wales, highlights the importance of talking about our challenges.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=45RqUmxDXiY

If you are struggling as a new dad, you can contact the phone counsellors at PANDA on 1300 726 306, see your GP, or seek the help of a psychologist. You may have a work Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that you could access.

Centre of Perinatal Excellence (COPE) offers free emails to new fathers, tailored to the stage of fatherhood they are experiencing. These emails provide trustworthy information, practical strategies and supportive guidance. Dads can sign up for their emails here.

DadSpace offers new dads mental health, emotional and practical resources here.

SMSforDads offers direct text messages to new dads with information and tips about early parenting here.

DadsGroup connects fathers through local community groups and peer support here.

Further information on fathers' mental health can be found at the International Fathers Mental Health Day website here.

Finally stay informed about evidence-based parenting approaches that support you through the challenges of parenthood, particularly through the toddler years. Follow our psychologists' tips and Parent Insight series on instagram www.instagram.com/appn.au

Written by Dr Renée Miller
Principal Clinical Psychologist
Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network

A national survey of 10,000 people has found that almost 60 per cent of parents are experiencing psychological distress. (Parenting Today Survey conducted by the Parenting Research Centre).

Parenthood is stressful! The responsibilities and demands of a baby, toddler (or both), the sleep deprivation, the loss of freedom, the loss of control, and the never-ending 'to do list' can be overwhelming and stress inducing. Not to mention the emotional investment in wanting to parent a child who will feel safe and secure in the world, with a high emotional intelligence and a resilience to facing life's challenges. It's a big gig!

Some new parents seek help to manage postnatal depression and/or postnatal anxiety. However many new parents seek help simply to manage stress. Often motivated by wanting to be the best parents they can be, parents recognise when they are operating in a revved up state. Their sleep can be affected, and they may notice symptoms of irritability, being overly touchy or sensitive, snappy, and generally not being able to wind down. Parents often report that their stress is most apparent in their relationship with their spouse, and/or in an increasing impatience with their children.

There is a vast literature and much media attention educating the public on postnatal depression and more recently, postnatal anxiety. However for parents who are stressed this focus on depression and anxiety can result in a hesitation towards help-seeking in the absence of a depressed mood or an anxiety disorder. Postnatal stress can cause significant upset in families, and evidence-based treatments for stress can bring about welcomed symptom relief. 

So what is the difference between depression, anxiety and stress? According to the authors and researchers of the Depression, Anxiety Stress Scales (Lovibond & Lovibond, 1995) depression, anxiety and stress can co-occur, however each state has its unique symptoms. Depression symptoms include feeling negative, down-hearted, gloomy, unmotivated, dispirited, and a loss of enjoyment in things once pleasurable. Anxiety includes physiological symptoms of panic, pounding heart, shakiness, fear of losing control, and apprehension. Stress includes nervousness, jumpiness, tension, getting easily upset or irritated, and difficulty relaxing.

The Psychologists at the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network (APPN) commonly use the Depression Anxiety Stress Scales (DASS-21) - a well validated screening tool that helps new parents to understand their particular symptoms. In our experience, new parents like to understand their symptoms using the DASS-21, and they find it useful to track their symptoms over time to see how they are progressing with therapy. Although scores on the DASS can delineate symptom severity and a measure of progress over time, clinical diagnoses (if relevant) require further assessment by the psychologist to ensure that appropriate treatment strategies are implemented in therapy.

Treatment for stress typically involves a combination of Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy and Mindfulness based therapies. These approaches give parents tools for understanding how their thinking - expectations, appraisals and worry - contribute to their difficulties (thinking being a modifiable component in managing stress). In addition parents learn to manage their responses (physical and behavioural) in relation to life stressors and to their own fears. Practical strategies for managing daily routines can form part of the work, as well as sorting through family of origin dynamics that may underly one's problematic thinking and stress levels in the early parenting years. Some psychologists provide EMDR therapy which is an efficient process of tackling unresolved traumatic or difficult life experiences that may be triggering stress responses in parenting life.

Learning how to wind down and relax is fundamental to this therapy for stressed new parents and parents of young children. This is often a challenge in the face of life's pressures and busyness. Learning to manage one's own stress can help parents to help their children through the difficulties that arise in their little lives.

Written by Dr Renée Miller
Principal Clinical Psychologist
​Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network

​

Children love to win. But what happens when they lose? Developmentally, children find it hard to manage emotions like disappointment, perceived failure, and shame. Losing a game, a race, or a sporting event, can feel overwhelming. One of our roles as parents is to teach our children how to lose with grace. Emotional regulation and good sportsmanship are vital skills in life.
 
So how do we do this?

Be mindful of what children observe in us 
It begins with what we model as parents. What do we demonstrate to our children about winning and losing? What do we say in front of our children about winning and losing? Children absorb our behaviours and our commentary, so we need to be mindful about what they see and what they hear.

First and foremost, our children need to see us lose with grace. They need to see that if things don’t go well for us, we learn from our mistakes, and we don’t blame.

Our children may see us barrack for our sporting team, but they need to see that we can commend the opposition if they win. They need to see us praise the effort of the losing team. They need to see that we don’t blame umpires. Everyone makes mistakes, and umpire decisions need to be accepted. 

Children need to see that when we (or our sporting teams) lose, we can learn from our losses, and we can move on...

Deal with winning and losing in family games
Don’t fall into the trap of constantly letting your child win. Children need to experience losing in an environment where losing is just part of the game. 

They need to be reminded that “sometimes we win and sometimes we lose”.  They need to hear us say “it’s only a game”. They need to learn that it’s not okay to lash out at others or to quit if it looks like they are not going to win. Everyone plays till the end, and everyone gets congratulated for a good game. The goal is the fun of playing together, rather than the win.

Validate their feelings
Children need to learn that it’s ok to feel frustrated, disappointed, or upset when they lose. Labelling and validating their feelings can help them to understand their feelings before they can move on. Once their feelings are heard, we can talk to them about being a good sport.

Overt the narrative of good sportsmanship
Our children need to see us praise sports people, tv contestants and public figures, who lose graciously. They need to hear a narrative about what it means to be a ‘good sport’. They need to see examples of sporting heroes who are gracious losers. When we value good sportsmanship, and highlight the associated commendable behaviours, our children learn about the value of these qualities, over and above the transient feeling of winning.
 
Praise effort
Children generally need to hear us praise their effort and encourage their learning and growth. This narrative is far more helpful for a child’s sense of self and sportsmanship than the one around winning, or being ‘the best’. 
 
Children need to hear that different people have different strengths. Some people are good at some things, and other people are good at other things. 
 
Children need to understand that trying something (even though they may not be good at it) is a show of bravery. 
 
Children need to learn that when we practise something, we can improve. 
 
Children need to learn that they can be happy for the successes of others.
 
Ultimately, children need to learn to appraise themselves according to their own benchmarks for success, rather than by comparing themselves to the performance of others. This is more likely if children are raised in an environment where competition is fun, winning is a bonus, and good sportsmanship and humility are qualities that are valued.

Written by Dr Renée Miller
Principal Clinical Psychologist
​Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network

You are parents now, and things have changed with your mother-in-law.

As psychologists working with new parents, we often hear stories about fractured relationships with mothers-in- law once a baby comes along. Here are some of the reasons why.

I feel constantly criticised by my mother-in-law. She often says "when MY kids were little...
You can finish that sentence with any number of things her children did perfectly (compared to mine).

My mother-in-law makes snide remarks about how uptight we are as parents. It seems that anything we do with our baby - that differs to what she did - is about us being anxious parents.

I'm exhausted, and doing my best to manage the house, parenting and work. But somehow, I always fall short in my mother-in-law's eyes. In her recollection, her house was perfectly organised, and her children were perfectly behaved at all times (not to mention toilet trained by 20 months). 

My mother-in-law runs a commentary about me through my children. "Oh, no, look mummy has made you cry again". She buys their affection by undermining me. It's infuriating. All I'm doing is setting boundaries for my children, and their grandmother tries to collude with them against me.

My mother-in-law tells me I'm pandering to my son, and that he's going to grow up being a weakling. My partner and I are parenting consciously. We are aware that our son has a sensitive temperament, and we are showing him that we understand his difficulties, while empowering him to try new things. My mother-in-law thinks we should push him more. She says things to him like "come on, don't be a cry baby".

We are a same sex couple. My mother-in-law constantly comments on how much our child looks like her daughter (the biological mother), and how lucky our daughter is to have her family's genes. I find this insensitive and cruel.

The thing that drives me crazy about my mother-in-law is that she thinks she's the expert on feeding, sleep and safety. With no knowledge of current practices, she harps on about how things were done in her day. My wife and I pride ourselves on being informed about these things, and of course, we want what's best for our child.

My mother-in-law competes with my mother. It's at the point that I have to hide and lie about some of the things I do with my mum. It started with my mother-in-law wanting to be in the birth. We said "no". Since then she has demonised me and blamed me for leaving her out of things. My own mother was not at the birth. She now calls my husband at work to complain about how little time she gets to see her grandchild.

​The difficulties I'm having with my mother-in-law are causing problems in my relationship.

These are just some of the example of what people say.

Can you relate?

Part of our role as psychologists is to help new parents to do three main things:

1.  Differentiate your sense of worth from the comments or judgements made by your mother-in-law.

2. Understand what your mother-in-law is saying about herself through her comments, rather than personalising her comments to mean something about you.

This can be hard when you're a sleep deprived parent who is trying your best to manage the demands of a new baby, and determine how you want to parent. When there is a mother-in-law offering gratuitous advice, you may feel disempowered, feel like avoiding her, or quite frankly, enraged.

Even if your mother-in-law is overtly critical of what you are doing as a mum, REMEMBER THIS:

• She parented a long time ago. Things have changed.
• She may want to prove to you that she did a great job parenting her own children.
• She may recognise she did a less than ideal job raising her children, and may be seeking to repair this by getting it right with her grandchildren - resulting in her over involvement.
• She may interpret that the way in which you are parenting (that differs from how she did things) is somehow a slight on the way she parented, therefore fuelling her advice, criticism or defensiveness.
• In all likelihood, she thinks she's being helpful.
• She may have a high need to be needed.
• She may have a high need for control and order.
• She may be used to getting things her way.
• She may feel she is an expert because she's done it before.
• She may not have stopped 'mothering' her own children (and her grandchildren are an extension of this).
• Giving advice might be a way in which she manages her own anxiety.
• Being critical of you may be a reflection of her own self-criticism.

Take a deep breath. It's your turn to parent now. You get to choose how you want to raise your child/children. To do this, it's important to be clear on your values as a parents, and for you and your partner to be on the same page.

3.  Learn how to communicate assertively with your mother-in-law. This means respecting her view (recognising where it may be coming from). Then, confidently thanking her for her advice, while stating how you and your partner are choosing to parent. This may be different from her 'pearls of wisdom', but it's your child, your family. Also, be sure to thank her and let her know when her advice is helpful, bearing in mind that she does have experience as a mother, and we as parents, will never stop learning.

Written by Dr Renée Miller
Principal Clinical Psychologist
Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network
​The Perinatal Loss Centre

Romantic love changes shape after a baby arrives.

Before parenthood, love might have been marked by grand gestures — dinner out, handwritten cards, long conversations, time alone, spontaneous intimacy, bunches of flowers.

When a baby enters the picture, many parents notice that love feels different. Quieter. Sometimes forgotten altogether. You may question "what's happened to us?"

With your nervous system primed for vigilance and protection, there may be less emotional bandwidth for your partner. Fewer deep conversations. Less touch. Less spontaneity. Exhaustion, hormonal shifts, and the sheer upheaval of early parenthood can crowd out what once felt effortless.

But love hasn’t disappeared.
It has evolved. Changed shape.

For many couples, romance gives way to a deeper, steadier form of love — one rooted in shared meaning rather than grand gestures. There is awe in what you’ve created together. A sense of “we survived this” in the journey to get here. Love begins to wrap around the family itself, expressed through care, safety, and attachment.

In the early months of parenthood, love may look like moments of shared wonder, quiet appreciation, and small, thoughtful acts of care and support. Making each other a cup of tea. Taking the baby so the other can sleep. A gentle check-in across the room.

This doesn’t mean love is gone.
It means love has taken on a new form — one that can be more deeply connected and supportive.

Love might look like collapsing on the couch with takeaway, exchanging a tired smile that says, “We’re doing this together.”

Many parents describe a quieter, sturdier and deeper love emerging over time. Watching your partner care for your child can evoke profound admiration and gratitude. This form of love can develop to feel more secure and enduring.

Be gentle with yourselves as you adjust to life with your baby. Name the love that’s there. Let it count, even if it looks smaller or quieter than it once did.

​Express it in simple ways — a thank you, a touch on the arm, a moment of eye contact that says I see you. In the midst of nappies, night feeds, and long days, acknowledgement can be a powerful way of keeping connection alive. We all want to feel noticed. We all want to feel appreciated.
🫶🏽

Written by Dr Renée Miller
Perinatal Clinical Psychologist

What are parents' top 3 goals for 2026?
What are the psychological blocks that can hinder these goals?
​Dr Renée Miller, Perinatal Clinical Psychologist shares tips on how to overcome them.

1. Exercise
There is no doubt that exercise improves emotional well-being. Aside from its general health benefits, exercise has consistently been found to improve mood and to help with stress and anxiety. Clearing the mind, having time and space away from the children, and increasing general levels of energy can make an enormous difference in the day- to-day functioning of parents.

Blocks
Although we know the benefits of exercise, a number of blocks can stop us from achieving this goal.
​The common blocks parents report include:

• Low levels of energy, lack of motivation or tiredness
• Wanting to exercise but finding that time slips away and you don't get around to it
• Having no one to look after the children
• Cost of attending a gym is unaffordable
• Claiming that the weather is prohibitive (too wet, too cold, too hot)
• All or nothing thinking (“if I can’t exercise 3 times per week - like I used to before children - then I won’t exercise at all”)
• Depression

 
Tips  

• The more tired and unmotivated you're feeling, the more the “just do it” mantra comes into play. With this attitude, exercise can become a priority. Exercise increases our energy levels. The more we do it, the more motivated we can become by experiencing the benefits first hand, thereby wanting to do it more.  
• The key is to schedule it, to make it part of your weekly routine. Like brushing your teeth is part of your everyday routine, exercise can become part of your weekly routine. This may involve some initial planning and negotiation - to have a partner, family member or friend look after children to ensure you get the space to do it. But it’s worth it! 
• If you have no one to take care of the children, incorporate the children into your exercise (e.g. a run around an enclosed oval while watching your child in a pram or playing in the middle of the oval, take a brisk walk with your baby in the pram, or run around the park while your child plays on the equipment - age appropriately of course). But remember to schedule it so you know exactly what day your exercise happens. 
• Some parents swap childcare favours so they can take turns to exercise while having their children looked after. If exercise is a priority, you will make it happen. The key is scheduling it so excuses are not easy to make.
• There are many ways to exercise that don’t involve money or weather conditions. For example, exercising to a DVD or an online program, walking or running (even in the rain). Some parents hire treadmills or bikes for the Winter months – to exercise at home. If all else fails, you may be able to catch 20 minutes in the early morning before children awaken to do some indoor running, star jumps and the like. Remember to schedule it.
• If a gym membership is affordable, think about taking a membership at a gym that has a crèche. This can be a wonderful resource for parents to get some much needed time-out (to exercise that is). Remember to schedule it.
• If all or nothing thinking is your block, remember, exercising once per week is better than not exercising at all. Over time, this will change, and you may be able to add more times to your schedule.
• With the help of child care, if you can exercise as a couple, this can bring the benefits of both exercise and time together.
• If you are struggling with feeling low, flat or depressed, seek help. You don't need to keep feeling this way.

2. More patience with children
I have never met a parent who didn't wish they were more patient with their children. Parenting is hard. Parents are constantly pulled from pillar to post, attending to children’s needs, to their ever-changing idiosyncrasies and to their unpredictable and seemingly irrational emotional outbursts - often while trying to get other things done.
 
Blocks

• Stress - due to too many things on your plate, or competing demands
• Expectations that things should be different to how they are, or unrealistic expectations about your childrens' capacities
• Perfectionism
• Depression or anxiety

Tips

• When stressed, we tend to keep doing things in the hope that we will feel better once tasks are completed. The problem is that the 'to-do' list never ends. We need to know when to stop, when to de-prioritise tasks, when to delegate or ask for help, and when to let our expectations go completely. Parents often find themselves multi-tasking, which divides their attention, and can result in a lack of patience or intolerance when children interrupt attempts to get things done. It can help to stop what we are doing and attend to the needs of the child rather than trying to do both things at once. Paying attention to one thing at a time is far better for us than dividing our attention.  
• Expectations can be the root cause of impatience. Take note of your 'shoulds' and 'should nots'. For example, when we have a running commentary that says " babies should sleep" or "children should listen to their parents", this belief can result in impatience when your child doesn't sleep or doesn't listen. When we recognise beliefs such as this, we can challenge them by remembering that children are not robots that do what we say. Children are not things we can control. They are individual people who have their own minds, experiences, and feelings - who don't always want to do what we want them to do.  When we don't come from a place of wanting control over our children, we can be more patient with their feelings and behaviours. Acceptance of 'what is' versus what 'should be', can help to free us from our impatience. 
• Perfectionism is toxic. People who are true perfectionists often need help to challenge their perfectionistic tendencies. The problem with perfectionism, is that there is little in life that has a black and white, perfect outcome. When we strive for perfection, we are striving in a bottomless pit. We will never attain it, and stress, anxiety or impatience can be the result. When we have perfectionistic wishes, and things don't go well, we can blame ourselves, or our children for the less than perfect outcomes. When we blame ourselves, feeling inadequate that we haven't attained perfection, we can feel down or become depressed. Try to aim for a 'good enough' outcome, and take the pressure off yourself. You might notice that you feel a whole lot happier as a result.
• Depression or anxiety can interfere with our capacity to be patient. If you are feeling depressed or anxious, it is best that you talk to someone. See your GP for a referral to a therapist who can help.

 
3. Better communication with partners
Having children can take a toll on relationships. Communication can become about who's doing what, who's going where, what domestic tasks need to be done, and what the children need. Irritation and resentment can simmer, and a 'tit for tat' discourse can become commonplace.

Blocks

• Sleep deprivation
• Communication on the run
• Lack of understanding about each other's workload/responsibilities
• Negative patterns forming: Defensiveness, criticism, sulking, contempt, blame

​
Tips

• Help each other to catch up on sleep wherever possible. Alternating 'sleep ins' can be better than both of you getting up early and both being exhausted zombies. You may need to take the children out of the house to give your partner a real sleep in. Remember that as children get older, sleep gets better
• Try to make time to communicate about big issues at a time when you are not distracted by children. Ask your partner if you can talk later, and make a time to follow up on this. ​
• LISTEN to one another. Try to really hear what your parter is feeling and experiencing. There are stressful aspects to being at home with children, to working (as the main breadwinner), and to juggling between work and children. Try to really understand how each other feels, and think about ways to support one another.
• If negative patterns are emerging or setting in, seek couples therapy to 'nip it in the bud' and develop better ways of communicating (listening and expressing).

Summary
All three goals involve becoming aware of your thinking, your assumptions, and your expectations. Clarify what it is that you want, and set your intentions clearly for yourself. You may want to write them down or post them somewhere in your house where you can see them. You also may want to tell a friend, family member or partner about your goals to help you to stick to them.

Wishing all parents an active, patient and communicative 2026.

Written by Dr Renée Miller
Perinatal Clinical Psychologist
Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network

Life feels hard. You’re feeling anxious, stressed, overwhelmed. You’re feeling flat, lost, unhappy. You’ve been through difficult life experiences that are weighing you down or popping up unexpectedly. Perhaps you’re not functioning as well as you’d like to. 

Let’s face it, we all struggle at times in our lives, especially when it comes to becoming parents, and everything that goes with entering and enduring this emotional life stage.
 
You might be contemplating talking to someone, but also wondering “what would be the point?” “How could talking to a therapist help me?”  
 
Nowadays people rely on reviews to find out about other people’s experiences. As psychologists, we are prohibited from eliciting and publishing client testimonials, making it difficult for people to find out how therapy might have worked for others. 
 
The psychologists at the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network constantly receive feedback from our clients about their experiences of therapy. So we decided to pull together feedback we’ve received over the years, to bring to light the commonly reported benefits of therapy. 
 
Please note that no identities are revealed in the compilation of this list. The headings are written in the first person and are in no particular order.
 
Feeling heard, accepted and validated
 
Some people come to therapy reporting that when they were growing up, their feelings were not heard. With the best of intentions, parents can minimise or dismiss the feelings of their children, sending messages that their feelings are a sign of weakness, that they should just get on with things, or that their feelings signal catastrophe. These messages can play out in unhelpful ways in adulthood. 
 
Clients have reported that therapy provides them with a safe environment in which to identify and share their feelings. Once a good relationship and rapport has been established with their therapist, clients value that their feelings are accepted, are encouraged to be ‘felt’ (rather than shied away from or feared), and that their feelings are validated and understood (“it makes sense that you feel that way”).
 
Feeling ‘lighter’ by getting things off my chest
 
In some instances, a client’s therapist is the first person to whom they've disclosed difficult past experiences, distressing thoughts, or shameful feelings. By simply getting this information out, clients report feeling lighter – less consumed by their self-criticism, shame or fear of being judged. Within a trusted client-therapist relationship, repair can begin with the acceptance, validation and non-judgement the therapist brings. Clients ultimately  learn to do this for themselves.
 
Learning that all feelings pass
 
Interestingly, many clients report that being allowed to feel and express their feelings, along with having their feelings accepted and validated, provides an environment within which they learn that feelings evolve and change over time. By talking things through, feelings shift, and the intensity of the original feelings (often shame) diminishes.
 
Understanding why I think and react the way I do
 
In exploring the past, people learn about the ways in which they experience, and deal with their feelings – both internally and in relationships with other people. With insight into why they think and feel the way they do, their responses can be de-automated, giving them more choice and capacity to respond more adaptively. Clients learn to bring self-compassion to what was once habitual self-criticism or shame.
 
Recognising that my expectations and assumptions underlie my feelings and behaviours.
            
In exploring the past, people learn about how their expectations were formed and how their expectations cause them to feel and react in certain ways. In therapy, clients learn to challenge their expectations, and to refer to their values as their guide, rather than to their habitual internal narratives.

Examples of unhelpful beliefs:
 
Mothers should bond with their babies immediately.
As a mother, I should know exactly what my baby needs at all times.
Everything I do should be done perfectly otherwise I’ve failed.
If I don’t get enough sleep tonight, I won’t be able to function tomorrow.
I am uninteresting to others, so I avoid meeting new people.
My child should know to behave well when we go out.

Examples of assumptions:
 
She thinks I’m a terrible mum because she uses cloth nappies, and I don’t.
My partner won’t know what to do if I leave the baby with him.
The mothers at mothers’ group think I’m a bad mum because my baby cries more than the other babies.
No one cares about my grief after my miscarriage.
I’m a bad person because I had that awful thought.
If people knew the real me, they wouldn't want to be with me.
 
Learning to see another person’s point of view /emotional experience
 
It can be enlightening when people realise that they have been making assumptions about the behaviors or responses of others. They learn that there are many potential explanations for other people's behaviour, which may not actually be about them. When people learn about their own projections onto other people, they also learn that other people project their fears too. When clients see that everyone sees things from their own perspective, they can come to recognise that trying to please others is futile, and that even if they are being judged by another person, they can tolerate it as it is not a truth about them.
 
Learning how to live in the present and not engage in ‘what if’ thoughts
 
Clients learn the value of living in the present moment, of asking themselves “what’s required of me now”, rather than entertaining a litany of catastrophic thoughts about what could go wrong in the future. With practice, recognising and stopping “what if” thoughts can liberate clients from worry. Our clients have told us that one of the most helpful tools they've learnt in therapy is this -  "Managing Your Mind: Taming Worry" (watch video on Youtube).

Learning to accept what I can’t control
 
Clients can become practised at recognising what’s not in their control. As a result, they can develop more confidence about acting on what's actually in their control, and letting go of what is not. 
 
Learning skills

Skills learnt in therapy include 

• becoming more assertive in relationships 
• learning better ways of communicating and listening 
• learning to self-regulate when triggered
• learning coping strategies for when things get hard
• facing fears (in a supported environment), and becoming less fearful and anxious
• learning how to survive trauma and loss, and rebuild life
• learning how to set goals and commit to achieving them
• accessing compassion for self and others in place of criticism and judgement 
• identifying values, and making decisions based on values rather than fears
• understanding and responding to baby’s cues, thereby becoming a more confident parent and building a secure bond
• becoming a better parent by hearing, accepting and validating children, while being clear on boundaries and limits

Processing traumatic experiences

Some clients seek therapy to work through specific traumas, in particular, traumatic birth experiences. Some of our psychologists are trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing), which is a time-effective, evidence-based approach aimed at alleviating the distress associated with traumatic experiences. 

In summary

Overall, clients report becoming better versions of themselves - more tolerant of their own and other people's imperfections. They report feeling worthy of being cared for and seeing the value in caring for themselves and being cared for by others. They report an improvement in their moods and relationships, a lowering of their levels of stress and anxiety, an increased capacity to cope, and a strengthening of their sense of selves.

If you live in Victoria and feel that therapy may be of benefit for you, find a psychologist here.
 
Written by Dr Renée Miller
​Principal Clinical Psychologist
Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network