Children love to win. But what happens when they lose? Developmentally, children find it hard to manage emotions like disappointment, perceived failure, and shame. Losing a game, a race, or a sporting event, can feel overwhelming. One of our roles as parents is to teach our children how to lose with grace. Emotional regulation and good sportsmanship are vital skills in life.
 
So how do we do this?

Be mindful of what children observe in us 
It begins with what we model as parents. What do we demonstrate to our children about winning and losing? What do we say in front of our children about winning and losing? Children absorb our behaviours and our commentary, so we need to be mindful about what they see and what they hear.

First and foremost, our children need to see us lose with grace. They need to see that if things don’t go well for us, we learn from our mistakes, and we don’t blame.

Our children may see us barrack for our sporting team, but they need to see that we can commend the opposition if they win. They need to see us praise the effort of the losing team. They need to see that we don’t blame umpires. Everyone makes mistakes, and umpire decisions need to be accepted. 

Children need to see that when we (or our sporting teams) lose, we can learn from our losses, and we can move on...

Deal with winning and losing in family games
Don’t fall into the trap of constantly letting your child win. Children need to experience losing in an environment where losing is just part of the game. 

They need to be reminded that “sometimes we win and sometimes we lose”.  They need to hear us say “it’s only a game”. They need to learn that it’s not okay to lash out at others or to quit if it looks like they are not going to win. Everyone plays till the end, and everyone gets congratulated for a good game. The goal is the fun of playing together, rather than the win.

Validate their feelings
Children need to learn that it’s ok to feel frustrated, disappointed, or upset when they lose. Labelling and validating their feelings can help them to understand their feelings before they can move on. Once their feelings are heard, we can talk to them about being a good sport.

Overt the narrative of good sportsmanship
Our children need to see us praise sports people, tv contestants and public figures, who lose graciously. They need to hear a narrative about what it means to be a ‘good sport’. They need to see examples of sporting heroes who are gracious losers. When we value good sportsmanship, and highlight the associated commendable behaviours, our children learn about the value of these qualities, over and above the transient feeling of winning.
 
Praise effort
Children generally need to hear us praise their effort and encourage their learning and growth. This narrative is far more helpful for a child’s sense of self and sportsmanship than the one around winning, or being ‘the best’. 
 
Children need to hear that different people have different strengths. Some people are good at some things, and other people are good at other things. 
 
Children need to understand that trying something (even though they may not be good at it) is a show of bravery. 
 
Children need to learn that when we practise something, we can improve. 
 
Children need to learn that they can be happy for the successes of others.
 
Ultimately, children need to learn to appraise themselves according to their own benchmarks for success, rather than by comparing themselves to the performance of others. This is more likely if children are raised in an environment where competition is fun, winning is a bonus, and good sportsmanship and humility are qualities that are valued.

Written by Dr Renée Miller
Principal Clinical Psychologist
​Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network

You are parents now, and things have changed with your mother-in-law.

As psychologists working with new parents, we often hear stories about fractured relationships with mothers-in- law once a baby comes along. Here are some of the reasons why.

I feel constantly criticised by my mother-in-law. She often says "when MY kids were little...
You can finish that sentence with any number of things her children did perfectly (compared to mine).

My mother-in-law makes snide remarks about how uptight we are as parents. It seems that anything we do with our baby - that differs to what she did - is about us being anxious parents.

I'm exhausted, and doing my best to manage the house, parenting and work. But somehow, I always fall short in my mother-in-law's eyes. In her recollection, her house was perfectly organised, and her children were perfectly behaved at all times (not to mention toilet trained by 20 months). 

My mother-in-law runs a commentary about me through my children. "Oh, no, look mummy has made you cry again". She buys their affection by undermining me. It's infuriating. All I'm doing is setting boundaries for my children, and their grandmother tries to collude with them against me.

My mother-in-law tells me I'm pandering to my son, and that he's going to grow up being a weakling. My partner and I are parenting consciously. We are aware that our son has a sensitive temperament, and we are showing him that we understand his difficulties, while empowering him to try new things. My mother-in-law thinks we should push him more. She says things to him like "come on, don't be a cry baby".

We are a same sex couple. My mother-in-law constantly comments on how much our child looks like her daughter (the biological mother), and how lucky our daughter is to have her family's genes. I find this insensitive and cruel.

The thing that drives me crazy about my mother-in-law is that she thinks she's the expert on feeding, sleep and safety. With no knowledge of current practices, she harps on about how things were done in her day. My wife and I pride ourselves on being informed about these things, and of course, we want what's best for our child.

My mother-in-law competes with my mother. It's at the point that I have to hide and lie about some of the things I do with my mum. It started with my mother-in-law wanting to be in the birth. We said "no". Since then she has demonised me and blamed me for leaving her out of things. My own mother was not at the birth. She now calls my husband at work to complain about how little time she gets to see her grandchild.

​The difficulties I'm having with my mother-in-law are causing problems in my relationship.

These are just some of the example of what people say.

Can you relate?

Part of our role as psychologists is to help new parents to do three main things:

1.  Differentiate your sense of worth from the comments or judgements made by your mother-in-law.

2. Understand what your mother-in-law is saying about herself through her comments, rather than personalising her comments to mean something about you.

This can be hard when you're a sleep deprived parent who is trying your best to manage the demands of a new baby, and determine how you want to parent. When there is a mother-in-law offering gratuitous advice, you may feel disempowered, feel like avoiding her, or quite frankly, enraged.

Even if your mother-in-law is overtly critical of what you are doing as a mum, REMEMBER THIS:

• She parented a long time ago. Things have changed.
• She may want to prove to you that she did a great job parenting her own children.
• She may recognise she did a less than ideal job raising her children, and may be seeking to repair this by getting it right with her grandchildren - resulting in her over involvement.
• She may interpret that the way in which you are parenting (that differs from how she did things) is somehow a slight on the way she parented, therefore fuelling her advice, criticism or defensiveness.
• In all likelihood, she thinks she's being helpful.
• She may have a high need to be needed.
• She may have a high need for control and order.
• She may be used to getting things her way.
• She may feel she is an expert because she's done it before.
• She may not have stopped 'mothering' her own children (and her grandchildren are an extension of this).
• Giving advice might be a way in which she manages her own anxiety.
• Being critical of you may be a reflection of her own self-criticism.

Take a deep breath. It's your turn to parent now. You get to choose how you want to raise your child/children. To do this, it's important to be clear on your values as a parents, and for you and your partner to be on the same page.

3.  Learn how to communicate assertively with your mother-in-law. This means respecting her view (recognising where it may be coming from). Then, confidently thanking her for her advice, while stating how you and your partner are choosing to parent. This may be different from her 'pearls of wisdom', but it's your child, your family. Also, be sure to thank her and let her know when her advice is helpful, bearing in mind that she does have experience as a mother, and we as parents, will never stop learning.

Written by Dr Renée Miller
Principal Clinical Psychologist
Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network
​The Perinatal Loss Centre

Romantic love changes shape after a baby arrives.

Before parenthood, love might have been marked by grand gestures — dinner out, handwritten cards, long conversations, time alone, spontaneous intimacy, bunches of flowers.

When a baby enters the picture, many parents notice that love feels different. Quieter. Sometimes forgotten altogether. You may question "what's happened to us?"

With your nervous system primed for vigilance and protection, there may be less emotional bandwidth for your partner. Fewer deep conversations. Less touch. Less spontaneity. Exhaustion, hormonal shifts, and the sheer upheaval of early parenthood can crowd out what once felt effortless.

But love hasn’t disappeared.
It has evolved. Changed shape.

For many couples, romance gives way to a deeper, steadier form of love — one rooted in shared meaning rather than grand gestures. There is awe in what you’ve created together. A sense of “we survived this” in the journey to get here. Love begins to wrap around the family itself, expressed through care, safety, and attachment.

In the early months of parenthood, love may look like moments of shared wonder, quiet appreciation, and small, thoughtful acts of care and support. Making each other a cup of tea. Taking the baby so the other can sleep. A gentle check-in across the room.

This doesn’t mean love is gone.
It means love has taken on a new form — one that can be more deeply connected and supportive.

Love might look like collapsing on the couch with takeaway, exchanging a tired smile that says, “We’re doing this together.”

Many parents describe a quieter, sturdier and deeper love emerging over time. Watching your partner care for your child can evoke profound admiration and gratitude. This form of love can develop to feel more secure and enduring.

Be gentle with yourselves as you adjust to life with your baby. Name the love that’s there. Let it count, even if it looks smaller or quieter than it once did.

​Express it in simple ways — a thank you, a touch on the arm, a moment of eye contact that says I see you. In the midst of nappies, night feeds, and long days, acknowledgement can be a powerful way of keeping connection alive. We all want to feel noticed. We all want to feel appreciated.
🫶🏽

Written by Dr Renée Miller
Perinatal Clinical Psychologist

What are parents' top 3 goals for 2026?
What are the psychological blocks that can hinder these goals?
​Dr Renée Miller, Perinatal Clinical Psychologist shares tips on how to overcome them.

1. Exercise
There is no doubt that exercise improves emotional well-being. Aside from its general health benefits, exercise has consistently been found to improve mood and to help with stress and anxiety. Clearing the mind, having time and space away from the children, and increasing general levels of energy can make an enormous difference in the day- to-day functioning of parents.

Blocks
Although we know the benefits of exercise, a number of blocks can stop us from achieving this goal.
​The common blocks parents report include:

• Low levels of energy, lack of motivation or tiredness
• Wanting to exercise but finding that time slips away and you don't get around to it
• Having no one to look after the children
• Cost of attending a gym is unaffordable
• Claiming that the weather is prohibitive (too wet, too cold, too hot)
• All or nothing thinking (“if I can’t exercise 3 times per week - like I used to before children - then I won’t exercise at all”)
• Depression

 
Tips  

• The more tired and unmotivated you're feeling, the more the “just do it” mantra comes into play. With this attitude, exercise can become a priority. Exercise increases our energy levels. The more we do it, the more motivated we can become by experiencing the benefits first hand, thereby wanting to do it more.  
• The key is to schedule it, to make it part of your weekly routine. Like brushing your teeth is part of your everyday routine, exercise can become part of your weekly routine. This may involve some initial planning and negotiation - to have a partner, family member or friend look after children to ensure you get the space to do it. But it’s worth it! 
• If you have no one to take care of the children, incorporate the children into your exercise (e.g. a run around an enclosed oval while watching your child in a pram or playing in the middle of the oval, take a brisk walk with your baby in the pram, or run around the park while your child plays on the equipment - age appropriately of course). But remember to schedule it so you know exactly what day your exercise happens. 
• Some parents swap childcare favours so they can take turns to exercise while having their children looked after. If exercise is a priority, you will make it happen. The key is scheduling it so excuses are not easy to make.
• There are many ways to exercise that don’t involve money or weather conditions. For example, exercising to a DVD or an online program, walking or running (even in the rain). Some parents hire treadmills or bikes for the Winter months – to exercise at home. If all else fails, you may be able to catch 20 minutes in the early morning before children awaken to do some indoor running, star jumps and the like. Remember to schedule it.
• If a gym membership is affordable, think about taking a membership at a gym that has a crèche. This can be a wonderful resource for parents to get some much needed time-out (to exercise that is). Remember to schedule it.
• If all or nothing thinking is your block, remember, exercising once per week is better than not exercising at all. Over time, this will change, and you may be able to add more times to your schedule.
• With the help of child care, if you can exercise as a couple, this can bring the benefits of both exercise and time together.
• If you are struggling with feeling low, flat or depressed, seek help. You don't need to keep feeling this way.

2. More patience with children
I have never met a parent who didn't wish they were more patient with their children. Parenting is hard. Parents are constantly pulled from pillar to post, attending to children’s needs, to their ever-changing idiosyncrasies and to their unpredictable and seemingly irrational emotional outbursts - often while trying to get other things done.
 
Blocks

• Stress - due to too many things on your plate, or competing demands
• Expectations that things should be different to how they are, or unrealistic expectations about your childrens' capacities
• Perfectionism
• Depression or anxiety

Tips

• When stressed, we tend to keep doing things in the hope that we will feel better once tasks are completed. The problem is that the 'to-do' list never ends. We need to know when to stop, when to de-prioritise tasks, when to delegate or ask for help, and when to let our expectations go completely. Parents often find themselves multi-tasking, which divides their attention, and can result in a lack of patience or intolerance when children interrupt attempts to get things done. It can help to stop what we are doing and attend to the needs of the child rather than trying to do both things at once. Paying attention to one thing at a time is far better for us than dividing our attention.  
• Expectations can be the root cause of impatience. Take note of your 'shoulds' and 'should nots'. For example, when we have a running commentary that says " babies should sleep" or "children should listen to their parents", this belief can result in impatience when your child doesn't sleep or doesn't listen. When we recognise beliefs such as this, we can challenge them by remembering that children are not robots that do what we say. Children are not things we can control. They are individual people who have their own minds, experiences, and feelings - who don't always want to do what we want them to do.  When we don't come from a place of wanting control over our children, we can be more patient with their feelings and behaviours. Acceptance of 'what is' versus what 'should be', can help to free us from our impatience. 
• Perfectionism is toxic. People who are true perfectionists often need help to challenge their perfectionistic tendencies. The problem with perfectionism, is that there is little in life that has a black and white, perfect outcome. When we strive for perfection, we are striving in a bottomless pit. We will never attain it, and stress, anxiety or impatience can be the result. When we have perfectionistic wishes, and things don't go well, we can blame ourselves, or our children for the less than perfect outcomes. When we blame ourselves, feeling inadequate that we haven't attained perfection, we can feel down or become depressed. Try to aim for a 'good enough' outcome, and take the pressure off yourself. You might notice that you feel a whole lot happier as a result.
• Depression or anxiety can interfere with our capacity to be patient. If you are feeling depressed or anxious, it is best that you talk to someone. See your GP for a referral to a therapist who can help.

 
3. Better communication with partners
Having children can take a toll on relationships. Communication can become about who's doing what, who's going where, what domestic tasks need to be done, and what the children need. Irritation and resentment can simmer, and a 'tit for tat' discourse can become commonplace.

Blocks

• Sleep deprivation
• Communication on the run
• Lack of understanding about each other's workload/responsibilities
• Negative patterns forming: Defensiveness, criticism, sulking, contempt, blame

​
Tips

• Help each other to catch up on sleep wherever possible. Alternating 'sleep ins' can be better than both of you getting up early and both being exhausted zombies. You may need to take the children out of the house to give your partner a real sleep in. Remember that as children get older, sleep gets better
• Try to make time to communicate about big issues at a time when you are not distracted by children. Ask your partner if you can talk later, and make a time to follow up on this. ​
• LISTEN to one another. Try to really hear what your parter is feeling and experiencing. There are stressful aspects to being at home with children, to working (as the main breadwinner), and to juggling between work and children. Try to really understand how each other feels, and think about ways to support one another.
• If negative patterns are emerging or setting in, seek couples therapy to 'nip it in the bud' and develop better ways of communicating (listening and expressing).

Summary
All three goals involve becoming aware of your thinking, your assumptions, and your expectations. Clarify what it is that you want, and set your intentions clearly for yourself. You may want to write them down or post them somewhere in your house where you can see them. You also may want to tell a friend, family member or partner about your goals to help you to stick to them.

Wishing all parents an active, patient and communicative 2026.

Written by Dr Renée Miller
Perinatal Clinical Psychologist
Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network

Life feels hard. You’re feeling anxious, stressed, overwhelmed. You’re feeling flat, lost, unhappy. You’ve been through difficult life experiences that are weighing you down or popping up unexpectedly. Perhaps you’re not functioning as well as you’d like to. 

Let’s face it, we all struggle at times in our lives, especially when it comes to becoming parents, and everything that goes with entering and enduring this emotional life stage.
 
You might be contemplating talking to someone, but also wondering “what would be the point?” “How could talking to a therapist help me?”  
 
Nowadays people rely on reviews to find out about other people’s experiences. As psychologists, we are prohibited from eliciting and publishing client testimonials, making it difficult for people to find out how therapy might have worked for others. 
 
The psychologists at the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network constantly receive feedback from our clients about their experiences of therapy. So we decided to pull together feedback we’ve received over the years, to bring to light the commonly reported benefits of therapy. 
 
Please note that no identities are revealed in the compilation of this list. The headings are written in the first person and are in no particular order.
 
Feeling heard, accepted and validated
 
Some people come to therapy reporting that when they were growing up, their feelings were not heard. With the best of intentions, parents can minimise or dismiss the feelings of their children, sending messages that their feelings are a sign of weakness, that they should just get on with things, or that their feelings signal catastrophe. These messages can play out in unhelpful ways in adulthood. 
 
Clients have reported that therapy provides them with a safe environment in which to identify and share their feelings. Once a good relationship and rapport has been established with their therapist, clients value that their feelings are accepted, are encouraged to be ‘felt’ (rather than shied away from or feared), and that their feelings are validated and understood (“it makes sense that you feel that way”).
 
Feeling ‘lighter’ by getting things off my chest
 
In some instances, a client’s therapist is the first person to whom they've disclosed difficult past experiences, distressing thoughts, or shameful feelings. By simply getting this information out, clients report feeling lighter – less consumed by their self-criticism, shame or fear of being judged. Within a trusted client-therapist relationship, repair can begin with the acceptance, validation and non-judgement the therapist brings. Clients ultimately  learn to do this for themselves.
 
Learning that all feelings pass
 
Interestingly, many clients report that being allowed to feel and express their feelings, along with having their feelings accepted and validated, provides an environment within which they learn that feelings evolve and change over time. By talking things through, feelings shift, and the intensity of the original feelings (often shame) diminishes.
 
Understanding why I think and react the way I do
 
In exploring the past, people learn about the ways in which they experience, and deal with their feelings – both internally and in relationships with other people. With insight into why they think and feel the way they do, their responses can be de-automated, giving them more choice and capacity to respond more adaptively. Clients learn to bring self-compassion to what was once habitual self-criticism or shame.
 
Recognising that my expectations and assumptions underlie my feelings and behaviours.
            
In exploring the past, people learn about how their expectations were formed and how their expectations cause them to feel and react in certain ways. In therapy, clients learn to challenge their expectations, and to refer to their values as their guide, rather than to their habitual internal narratives.

Examples of unhelpful beliefs:
 
Mothers should bond with their babies immediately.
As a mother, I should know exactly what my baby needs at all times.
Everything I do should be done perfectly otherwise I’ve failed.
If I don’t get enough sleep tonight, I won’t be able to function tomorrow.
I am uninteresting to others, so I avoid meeting new people.
My child should know to behave well when we go out.

Examples of assumptions:
 
She thinks I’m a terrible mum because she uses cloth nappies, and I don’t.
My partner won’t know what to do if I leave the baby with him.
The mothers at mothers’ group think I’m a bad mum because my baby cries more than the other babies.
No one cares about my grief after my miscarriage.
I’m a bad person because I had that awful thought.
If people knew the real me, they wouldn't want to be with me.
 
Learning to see another person’s point of view /emotional experience
 
It can be enlightening when people realise that they have been making assumptions about the behaviors or responses of others. They learn that there are many potential explanations for other people's behaviour, which may not actually be about them. When people learn about their own projections onto other people, they also learn that other people project their fears too. When clients see that everyone sees things from their own perspective, they can come to recognise that trying to please others is futile, and that even if they are being judged by another person, they can tolerate it as it is not a truth about them.
 
Learning how to live in the present and not engage in ‘what if’ thoughts
 
Clients learn the value of living in the present moment, of asking themselves “what’s required of me now”, rather than entertaining a litany of catastrophic thoughts about what could go wrong in the future. With practice, recognising and stopping “what if” thoughts can liberate clients from worry. Our clients have told us that one of the most helpful tools they've learnt in therapy is this -  "Managing Your Mind: Taming Worry" (watch video on Youtube).

Learning to accept what I can’t control
 
Clients can become practised at recognising what’s not in their control. As a result, they can develop more confidence about acting on what's actually in their control, and letting go of what is not. 
 
Learning skills

Skills learnt in therapy include 

• becoming more assertive in relationships 
• learning better ways of communicating and listening 
• learning to self-regulate when triggered
• learning coping strategies for when things get hard
• facing fears (in a supported environment), and becoming less fearful and anxious
• learning how to survive trauma and loss, and rebuild life
• learning how to set goals and commit to achieving them
• accessing compassion for self and others in place of criticism and judgement 
• identifying values, and making decisions based on values rather than fears
• understanding and responding to baby’s cues, thereby becoming a more confident parent and building a secure bond
• becoming a better parent by hearing, accepting and validating children, while being clear on boundaries and limits

Processing traumatic experiences

Some clients seek therapy to work through specific traumas, in particular, traumatic birth experiences. Some of our psychologists are trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing), which is a time-effective, evidence-based approach aimed at alleviating the distress associated with traumatic experiences. 

In summary

Overall, clients report becoming better versions of themselves - more tolerant of their own and other people's imperfections. They report feeling worthy of being cared for and seeing the value in caring for themselves and being cared for by others. They report an improvement in their moods and relationships, a lowering of their levels of stress and anxiety, an increased capacity to cope, and a strengthening of their sense of selves.

If you live in Victoria and feel that therapy may be of benefit for you, find a psychologist here.
 
Written by Dr Renée Miller
​Principal Clinical Psychologist
Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network 

Developing a comfortable and healthy relationship with our baby is perhaps the single most important role we can fulfil as a parent. Being with our babies in a relationship where we are present and attuned to their needs, helps them experience what it is like to feel safe and secure. This is the foundation babies need to develop positive feelings about themselves, thereby setting them up to optimise their full potential. As well, this first relationship with their parent serves as a blueprint for many future relationships in their lifetime. Feeling heard and understood and having emotional needs met helps individuals function productively in relationships.

It it safe to say that every parent has the best intention for an unblemished relationship with their child, yet this does not always go to plan. We can hit bumps in the early weeks or months of being a parent leaving us feeling doubtful about this new relationship. We may feel anxious, lost, even frightened of this much anticipated new arrival. For many parents, there can be feelings of aloneness or emptiness - a contrast to the joy they may have expected. What can follow are feelings of guilt, even shame, for not enjoying the parenting journey, compounded by crippling thoughts of being a bad parent. So powerful can this state of mind be that parents describe feeling stuck or frozen - caught between their internal turmoil and desperate attempts to care for the baby they so love and cherish.  

Human beings are complex. Each of us carries a story about relationships, and it begins with the people we first formed them with – our parents. This very first relationship has significant impact on the way we view ourselves and our place in the world. We develop emotional and behavioural patterns from these relationships and they become a part of ‘who we are’. For example, we might find that we are sensitive to a certain look or a tone. A look or a tone that can seem harmless enough, yet is able to rouse an emotional response so powerful and strong within us. Why is that? It is possible that the look or tone is familiar to us somehow, triggering emotions associated with our very early experiences of being in relationship with significant adults when we ourselves were children. This unique experience does not live in our awareness; it is embedded deep within us. Sometimes these emotional reactions are positive - received like a warm blanket. Other times they are negative and we feel alone and vulnerable, unprotected, unheard or misunderstood. Either way, they are feeling memories arising from our early relationships. 

Because of the closeness of the parent-infant relationship, our babies’ behaviour can inadvertently trigger old unresolved dynamics from our early relationships. Some parents experience feelings of anxiety or dread when their baby signals a need for proximity and comfort through crying or unsettledness. Others experience sadness, alarm or a feeling of rejection when their baby crawls away from them to explore the environment. Even though we may reasonably acknowledge that babies lack the sophistication to deliberately upset us, the emotions stirred up in us are so strong that it’s easy to think they are doing just that. What is not available to us at the time, is the knowledge that our baby’s behaviour is merely triggering our own experiences of unmet needs from our childhood - our parents’ own struggle with providing comfort when we needed it, or their discomfort with supporting our need for autonomy and independence. Making sense of our childhood experiences helps us to be more open to seeing our babies’ needs as separate to our experiences. It might give us the space to feel at ease with our babies, attending to their needs and connecting with them in the way we intend. It frees us up to have the kind of relationship with them that reminds them that they are special to us and that we can support them with both their need for comfort and their curiosity for learning about the world around them.

It is also important to remember that as much as we wish, we will never have the relationship running ‘right’ one hundred percent of the time. After all, experiencing pain and disappointment is part of the territory of being human. If we get it right enough of the time, we are doing a good enough job. Equally important to remember is that repairing the relationship with our child when we recognise we have missed the mark, is a powerful human gesture. Repairing and rebuilding teaches children important lessons of trust and hope. It gives them scope to be imperfect but still loved.

Tips

• Smile at your baby and gaze into their eyes. When your baby looks away, this could signal they need a break; wait for them to reconnect with you. This tells your baby you respect their need for space and that you will be there for them when they are ready. 
• Respond to your baby’s vocalisations. Imitate your baby’s sounds. Take turns talking.
• Sing to your baby.
• Be curious - look at what your baby is looking at. See the world from their perspective. Notice what your baby is interested in and use words to describe it.
• When your baby is crying, tell them that you are there. Hold your baby as this helps to sooth them, even if they continue to cry.
• Hold in mind how your baby is feeling. 
• Be with your baby in all their feelings so they know you love them no matter what they are going through.
• Delight in your baby. 

 
This article was written by Psychologist, Kanthi Sayers from the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network. Kanthi draws on the theoretical underpinnings of attachment theory and the teachings of Circle of Security. www.circleofsecurityinternational.com

Reference
Hoffman, K. Cooper, G., Powell, B. (2017). Raising a Secure Child: How Circle of Security Parenting can help you nurture your child’s attachment, emotional resilience, and freedom to explore. New York: The Guildford Press.

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Worry strikes us all, particularly in the childbearing years.

​
Trying to conceive
Women who are trying to conceive can find the two-week wait interminable. A time when worry and fear can ramp up, out of control. The mind can become consumed by fearful thoughts. "What if I'm not pregnant?", "What if I'm going to need IVF?" "What if we can't have the family we've always dreamed of?"

During pregnancy
When pregnant, waiting for a scan, can mess with your mind. "What if there's something wrong with the baby?" "How would we cope?"

Women (especially those who have experienced a previous loss) can find themselves agonising over fears about something being wrong with the baby, of losing the baby, or of having a negative birth outcome.

As a parent
Then, when we become parents, the worries can be endless. "What if he doesn't sleep tonight?" "What if there's a developmental problem with my toddler?" "What if my child doesn't have friends?" What if my child becomes a bully?"

'What if' thinking
The fact is that any thought that begins with "what if" is by its very nature, not true. That doesn't mean that bad things don't happen. They do. But more often than not, our worries don't end up manifesting. And when bad things happen, we attend to the situation, drawing from our internal and external resources to cope, and we deal with what is actually happening. 

Worrying endlessly about things that could go wrong, is mentally exhausting. What people often don't realise is that we can manage our minds better than we think we can.

Taming worry
The first step is to recognise that our thoughts are not truths. When we worry about a future scenario that hasn't happened, we remove ourselves from the life we have right now. "What if" thoughts make us feel anxious and stressed. People typically look back at their worries and wish they hadn't wasted all that time fretting. 

So how do we manage fear and worry? What do we do when "what if" thoughts (or fears about the future) intrude?

This short video uses a Mindfulness-based, visual approach to help you to manage your worry and tame your mind. It takes practice, but you can do it! 


Written by Dr Renée Miller
Perinatal Clinical Psychologist
​Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network

Being a parent is stressful. 🤯
 
It’s a mix of

👉🏻 wanting to be good at it
👉🏻 feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility of it
👉🏻 feeling guilty for finding it tedious at times
👉🏻 resenting the relentlessness of it
👉🏻 fretting that we’re getting it wrong
👉🏻 missing our old life
👉🏻 worrying that we’re going to mess up our children
👉🏻 comparing ourselves to other parents
👉🏻 comparing our children to other children
👉🏻 constantly questioning and second guessing ourselves
👉🏻 facing an endless stream of guilt
👉🏻 lacking the time to reflect and introspect
 
On top of all that, parenthood presents us with 🫣

👉🏻 a mirror into how we ourselves were parented
👉🏻 a test of our patience and coping capacities
👉🏻 a reconfiguration of our relationships
👉🏻 an insight into the things we don’t like about ourselves

The reality is that parenting can be confronting and challenging. 

Yet parenthood also gifts us with

👉🏻 an opportunity to repair our pasts
👉🏻 the potential for profound growth
👉🏻 a chance to evolve and become better versions of ourselves

It's through the tough things in life that we become stronger and more resilient. 💪🏼

As psychologists who have dedicated our careers to working with new parents and parents of young children, we have seen the wisdom that can emerge through the hardships of parenting.
 
☀️ More self-awareness
☀️ Less self-criticism
☀️ Less blame of others
☀️ Repair of old hurts and past traumas
☀️ Better management of stress, anxiety, and low mood
☀️ Less reactivity, irritability and anger
☀️ More capacity to live in the present
☀️ Informed parenting strategies 
☀️ Increased compassion for the self and others
☀️ Less sweating of the small stuff (and knowing what the small stuff is)
☀️ More acceptance of the self
☀️ More acceptance of one's children
☀️ Clarification of one's true values
 
In sum, when we introspect as parents, and choose to grow through the parenting journey, we can

☀️ parent with greater insight and compassion
☀️ parent with more realistic expectations of both ourselves and of our children
☀️ parent with less guilt and self-doubt
☀️ parent with more understanding of what our children need
☀️ find joy in the smallest of moments
☀️ parent with resilience (the capacity to deal with the hard stuff)
☀️ benchmark life with values rather than comparison

The ultimate result? A more meaningful life all round, and the potential for raising emotionally intelligent, resilient children. ☺️
 
We invite you to follow our new psychological series on socials: Parent Insights
👍🏻  On Instagram
👍🏻  On Facebook

NOTE: This series is for educational and illustrative purposes only. Cases are based on generalized scenarios, composite cases, or fictionalized accounts. Any resemblance to an individual is purely coincidental.
 
Article written by Dr Renée Miller
Principal Clinical Psychologist
​Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network