The motherhood load is MENTAL

​Typically Mums carry the mental load. They find themselves managing a heap of hidden tasks that involve researching, planning and organising for the family. Remembering to buy those thoughtful birthday gifts for little friends, meal planning that caters to the health and idiosyncrasies of the family; organising, researching, scheduling and booking after school activities and play dates. Reading countless social media parenting posts with their children’s emotional well-being in mind. And this is just a snapshot of a mother’s brain.

The work that goes on in our minds is invisible. You might see mum buying and wrapping the birthday gifts, shopping for food and cooking meals, driving to after school activities, going to play dates at friends’ houses. What you don’t see, is the thinking that goes on behind the scenes.

​Many of my clients struggle with this load, especially when their expectations of themselves are overly high or unrealistic. Many modern women say that they thought their partners or husbands were ‘modern guys’, men who valued gender equality, equal rights, in some cases even espousing the virtues of feminism. Then the children came.

It can take women some time to realise the inequality that slips in behind the scenes. The default to traditional roles embedded in the psyche of their partners, and ironically, of themselves.

The unfortunate result can be overwhelm and resentment. Resentment at their partners for happily allowing the load to fall on their shoulders, resentment at their partners for not understanding the extent of the load, and anger at themselves for enabling this inequity.

​Dr Gwyn Rees, psychologist at the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network, makes the following suggestions: 

1. Check in on your expectations. If your expectations are too high or unrealistic, you will set yourself and your relationship up to fail. Ask yourself if there is anything that can give in order to decrease the pressure on the system of your family.
2. Remember you are a team. As parents, you’re both exhausted, working harder than ever with greater responsibilities and less time for each other. It can be easy to disconnect and to fall into competing with one another. Keeping score breeds conflict (“who had the most sleep, the most me-time?” “Who works harder?”) Remember, you’re on this crazy parenting journey together. Dr Daniel Siegel’s concept of ‘MWe’ is a nice way to try and remember the critical importance of your relationship, that you’re a ‘Me’ and a ‘We’ at the same time. Sure, you’ll still argue and disagree, but bringing understanding, empathy, respect and support to each other can only be beneficial for your relationship and for the wider family. When you both come from a thoughtful place towards one another, everyone wins.
3. Get practical. Write down what is on that never-ending internal list. Make a list, not only of household chores, but also those unseen tasks. Then divide and share. Make and look over the list together. Is there anything on the list you are able to outsource? Consider your interests, skills and time. What tasks do each of you enjoy doing, what do you hate? This gives an opportunity not only to share the load based on preferences and strengths, but also makes it visible, which in itself can bring feelings of relief, support and togetherness.  
4. Recognise and resist the need to control. I hear dads say they don’t feel they can do anything right. Let your partner do things on the list in their own way. Be willing to expect and accept that their approach to changing nappies or cooking dinner may be different from your way of doing things, and that’s OK. Notice any urge to criticise and practice choosing gratitude and respect (try asking yourself “how would I talk if this was my best friend or colleague right now?”)
5. Show appreciation for the small stuff. Research from the relationship experts at the Gottman Institute has shown that a key to successful relationships during the early parenting years is to voice appreciation. This can be as simple as “thanks”or “you emptied the dishwasher, nice work” or “wow you handled the bedtime battle well”. Recognizing and sharing appreciation for each other’s contribution will foster feelings of gratitude and a sense of ‘MWe’. 
6. Prioritize your connection and friendship. As parents it’s hard to find time for our relationship with our partners. Yet a strong, healthy relationship is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves and our children. Invest in time together and make date nights a priority. Get to know each other as the new parents you have become and have some fun together.
7. Notice if your resentment or overwhelm is building. What are your early signs of stress? Tense shoulders? A racing mind? Difficulty sleeping? Feelings of anger? Acknowledge these feelings and consider what the feeling is telling you. Have you taken on too much? What do you need right now? Is there an important issue that needs to be discussed? How can you as a team resolve this together? 
8. Schedule weekly catch-ups to discuss and plan the week ahead. This builds an awareness of each other’s mental load. It also provides a regular opportunity to share (without blame) how you are both feeling in order to avoid festering resentment and to make changes that support one another.
9. Work on understanding one another’s mental load. Sometimes mums get so caught up in their own stress, they forget that their partners have a mental load as well – just a different one.
10. Don’t forget to have fun. As parents, we can find our lives becoming a series of tasks that need to get done. Remember, life is more than this. Ask yourself, what really matters? 

https://www.gottman.com/ 
​https://www.drdansiegel.com/
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Written by Dr Gwyn Rees
Perinatal Psychologist
​Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network