 "I never expected to be flooded with so many emotions". "I feel intensely protective and utterly fearful". "I feel helpless and useless sometimes". "I have this constant worry that something bad is going to happen". "I felt traumatised seeing my partner go through labour, but I knew I had to be strong for her". "Work seems kind of meaningless right now, but I feel a pressure to perform because my family is depending on me". "I don't know who I am anymore". "What's happened to my wife?" "I feel exhausted all the time". These are just some of the thoughts and feelings men have shared in the therapy rooms of the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network. Depression, anxiety and stress is common in new fathers, but the focus is often on new mums. As a result, many dads feel that their struggles are less important, unjustified, or best dealt with on their own. Sadly, some men fear that seeking help is a sign of weakness. The reality is that new parenthood is a major developmental transition, much like adolescence or early adulthood. It brings profound change, uncertainty, new learning, and a need for re-definition of the self and one's relationship. Feeling challenged during this transition is not a sign that something is wrong; it's par for the course. For many men, fatherhood also shines a light on their own childhood experiences. New parenthood can force us to reflect on how we were raised, what we want to carry forward and what we hope to do differently. This can be confronting, particularly when a man's own upbringing was difficult, traumatic or very different from that of his partner. Some men feel paralysed by the fear of repeating patterns from their own childhood, while having little idea of how to parent differently. This is especially common as children move into the toddler years. Parenting support and guidance can make an enormous difference, helping fathers build confidence and develop practical, effective ways of responding to their children. Some men struggle because their partners become unwell in pregnancy or the postnatal period with depression, anxiety, stress or in rare cases, psychosis. We often see fathers who have 'held the fort' while supporting their partner and caring for their baby. Once the immediate crisis has passed, they can find themselves emotionally depleted, overwhelmed, and struggling under the weight of responsibilities they never anticipated. Seeking support from a mental health professional is not a sign of weakness. It is about equipping dads with the resources, skills and support needed to navigate one of life's most important roles. This video "Talking is medicine" with Prince William, Harry and Catherine, Princess of Wales, highlights the importance of talking about our challenges. www.youtube.com/watch?v=45RqUmxDXiY If you are struggling as a new dad, you can contact the phone counsellors at PANDA on 1300 726 306, see your GP, or seek the help of a psychologist. You may have a work Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that you could access. Centre of Perinatal Excellence (COPE) offers free emails to new fathers, tailored to the stage of fatherhood they are experiencing. These emails provide trustworthy information, practical strategies and supportive guidance. Dads can sign up for their emails here. DadSpace offers new dads mental health, emotional and practical resources here. SMSforDads offers direct text messages to new dads with information and tips about early parenting here. DadsGroup connects fathers through local community groups and peer support here. Further information on fathers' mental health can be found at the International Fathers Mental Health Day website here. Finally stay informed about evidence-based parenting approaches that support you through the challenges of parenthood, particularly through the toddler years. Follow our psychologists' tips and Parent Insight series on instagram www.instagram.com/appn.au Written by Dr Renée Miller Principal Clinical Psychologist Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network 
The pressure of this can feel enormous. Men can feel that they shouldn't talk about their feelings because their partners/wives need them to be supportive. Juggling work demands, and being needed at home can be a source of stress, and can lead to feelings of inadequacy in both domains. Ideal communication within a couple involves each spouse being able to express their feelings in a way that does not involve defensive or competitive responses. That each person in the couple is empathic and supportive of the other. This comes from validating the other person's experience (by really trying to understand it), without jumping to a 'fix-it' solution, without dismissing the person's feelings, and without interrupting with one's own agenda. Often, just having a space to be heard can help each person move through their feelings, and can strengthen the support and care of one another. If you are concerned that your partner/husband is struggling with stress, anxiety or depression, help is available, and is NOT a sign of weakness. This link (from the Raising Children Network) outlines the symptoms of postnatal depression (and anxiety) in men. There is also an excellent video about the experience of new parenting among dads. A great watch for all new dads! More information is available for dads at Beyond Blue. 
What is my Role?
Some fathers question their roles in the early weeks and months, when typically mothers are the primary caregivers. As a new father it’s easy to feel a bit left out. However, research tells us that fathers’ relationships with their newborns make a significant impact right from birth. Actually, it starts long before birth, because babies begin to recognise their father’s voice at around 22 weeks of pregnancy. So when that bump starts to grow, it’s time to get talking. The most important thing dads can do for their newborns is to simply spend time with them – cuddling, rocking, talking, singing, and settling. Getting to know each other in a hands-on way is good for everyone. For inexperienced dads, on the job training is the best confidence and relationship builder of all. And the benefits for babies are vast. Several studies suggest the quality and quantity of baby-father involvement directly impacts language development and children’s sense of security growing up. There is also research showing that babies with strong attachments to their dads tend to have fewer behavioural problems later on. Not surprisingly, research also tells us that when mothers view their partners as competent - when they provide encouragement, and believe that parenting is a joint venture - men are more likely to be involved and value their roles as fathers. The key is mothers viewing their partners as competent. This is an issue many couples struggle with, and it comes up regularly in my work with new parents. Because mothers tend to spend more time with their newborns than their partners do, they clock up many more practice opportunities, and can feel that the way they have learnt to do things is the only way. So whether it’s changing nappies, settling a fussy baby, or managing the bath routine, dads can easily get left behind in the skill development stakes. An all too frequent result can be mums hovering on the sidelines offering unsolicited advice, or worse, taking over and doing it ‘properly’ themselves. The result? Dads can feel inadequate, resentful, and less motivated to try the next time. The impact of not letting dads learn on the job can be mums feeling unsupported. Where has my relationship gone? Becoming parents calls for huge adjustments in relationships. Changes in roles, workloads and finances, not to mention the sheer exhaustion of caring for a baby. These pressures can impact even rock solid partnerships. Worries about how a baby may or has changed their relationship are among the most frequent concerns voiced to me by fathers. Some fathers experience feelings of helplessness as they watch their partners overwhelmed by tiredness, or having difficulties breastfeeding. Some women experience postnatal depression, and dads often feel at a loss as to how to ‘fix it’, feeling inadequate that they are not being able to make everything OK. For other dads, it’s the loss of emotional connection that has been chipped away by the constant tension of tiredness and frayed patience. They can feel like they’ve lost their best friend amidst the unfamiliarity and daily grind early parenthood can bring. Some fathers talk about feeling in competition with their babies - for time, attention, and affection. Even while understanding their partner’s all-encompassing focus on their baby, dads can feel invisible or fearful that there’s not enough love to go around. The reality of course, is that the birth of a baby can test even the strongest relationships. Even good relationships can stumble under the weight of it all. But the good news is that the overwhelming majority tend to bounce back again once everyone is getting more sleep, things settle down, and issues like sharing the workload are resolved. Remember, parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes time and practice for both of you to adjust to being mum and dad, to learn the ropes, and to find space in there for each other. Here are some points to consider: · Communicate with each other. It’s a vital ingredient in sharing your worries and doubts, asking for support, and working as a team · Practice empathy which means being open to each other’s experiences and feelings, especially the ones that are different to yours · Avoid competing about who has it tougher – nobody wins this one and it’s a certain resentment builder · Seek professional support if worries become too big, anxiety or low mood become habitual states, or you need help adjusting to the change. Remember, dads experience postnatal depression and anxiety too. This post was written by Dr Karola Belton Clinical Psychologist Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network |
AuthorPosted by Dr Renée Miller Topics
All
|
RSS Feed
|
|
|
|
We acknowledge and pay respects to the Elders and Traditional Owners of the land on which our psychologists practise.