What are parents' top 3 goals for 2026?
What are the psychological blocks that can hinder these goals?
​Dr Renée Miller, Perinatal Clinical Psychologist shares tips on how to overcome them.

1. Exercise
There is no doubt that exercise improves emotional well-being. Aside from its general health benefits, exercise has consistently been found to improve mood and to help with stress and anxiety. Clearing the mind, having time and space away from the children, and increasing general levels of energy can make an enormous difference in the day- to-day functioning of parents.

Blocks
Although we know the benefits of exercise, a number of blocks can stop us from achieving this goal.
​The common blocks parents report include:

• Low levels of energy, lack of motivation or tiredness
• Wanting to exercise but finding that time slips away and you don't get around to it
• Having no one to look after the children
• Cost of attending a gym is unaffordable
• Claiming that the weather is prohibitive (too wet, too cold, too hot)
• All or nothing thinking (“if I can’t exercise 3 times per week - like I used to before children - then I won’t exercise at all”)
• Depression

 
Tips  

• The more tired and unmotivated you're feeling, the more the “just do it” mantra comes into play. With this attitude, exercise can become a priority. Exercise increases our energy levels. The more we do it, the more motivated we can become by experiencing the benefits first hand, thereby wanting to do it more.  
• The key is to schedule it, to make it part of your weekly routine. Like brushing your teeth is part of your everyday routine, exercise can become part of your weekly routine. This may involve some initial planning and negotiation - to have a partner, family member or friend look after children to ensure you get the space to do it. But it’s worth it! 
• If you have no one to take care of the children, incorporate the children into your exercise (e.g. a run around an enclosed oval while watching your child in a pram or playing in the middle of the oval, take a brisk walk with your baby in the pram, or run around the park while your child plays on the equipment - age appropriately of course). But remember to schedule it so you know exactly what day your exercise happens. 
• Some parents swap childcare favours so they can take turns to exercise while having their children looked after. If exercise is a priority, you will make it happen. The key is scheduling it so excuses are not easy to make.
• There are many ways to exercise that don’t involve money or weather conditions. For example, exercising to a DVD or an online program, walking or running (even in the rain). Some parents hire treadmills or bikes for the Winter months – to exercise at home. If all else fails, you may be able to catch 20 minutes in the early morning before children awaken to do some indoor running, star jumps and the like. Remember to schedule it.
• If a gym membership is affordable, think about taking a membership at a gym that has a crèche. This can be a wonderful resource for parents to get some much needed time-out (to exercise that is). Remember to schedule it.
• If all or nothing thinking is your block, remember, exercising once per week is better than not exercising at all. Over time, this will change, and you may be able to add more times to your schedule.
• With the help of child care, if you can exercise as a couple, this can bring the benefits of both exercise and time together.
• If you are struggling with feeling low, flat or depressed, seek help. You don't need to keep feeling this way.

2. More patience with children
I have never met a parent who didn't wish they were more patient with their children. Parenting is hard. Parents are constantly pulled from pillar to post, attending to children’s needs, to their ever-changing idiosyncrasies and to their unpredictable and seemingly irrational emotional outbursts - often while trying to get other things done.
 
Blocks

• Stress - due to too many things on your plate, or competing demands
• Expectations that things should be different to how they are, or unrealistic expectations about your childrens' capacities
• Perfectionism
• Depression or anxiety

Tips

• When stressed, we tend to keep doing things in the hope that we will feel better once tasks are completed. The problem is that the 'to-do' list never ends. We need to know when to stop, when to de-prioritise tasks, when to delegate or ask for help, and when to let our expectations go completely. Parents often find themselves multi-tasking, which divides their attention, and can result in a lack of patience or intolerance when children interrupt attempts to get things done. It can help to stop what we are doing and attend to the needs of the child rather than trying to do both things at once. Paying attention to one thing at a time is far better for us than dividing our attention.  
• Expectations can be the root cause of impatience. Take note of your 'shoulds' and 'should nots'. For example, when we have a running commentary that says " babies should sleep" or "children should listen to their parents", this belief can result in impatience when your child doesn't sleep or doesn't listen. When we recognise beliefs such as this, we can challenge them by remembering that children are not robots that do what we say. Children are not things we can control. They are individual people who have their own minds, experiences, and feelings - who don't always want to do what we want them to do.  When we don't come from a place of wanting control over our children, we can be more patient with their feelings and behaviours. Acceptance of 'what is' versus what 'should be', can help to free us from our impatience. 
• Perfectionism is toxic. People who are true perfectionists often need help to challenge their perfectionistic tendencies. The problem with perfectionism, is that there is little in life that has a black and white, perfect outcome. When we strive for perfection, we are striving in a bottomless pit. We will never attain it, and stress, anxiety or impatience can be the result. When we have perfectionistic wishes, and things don't go well, we can blame ourselves, or our children for the less than perfect outcomes. When we blame ourselves, feeling inadequate that we haven't attained perfection, we can feel down or become depressed. Try to aim for a 'good enough' outcome, and take the pressure off yourself. You might notice that you feel a whole lot happier as a result.
• Depression or anxiety can interfere with our capacity to be patient. If you are feeling depressed or anxious, it is best that you talk to someone. See your GP for a referral to a therapist who can help.

 
3. Better communication with partners
Having children can take a toll on relationships. Communication can become about who's doing what, who's going where, what domestic tasks need to be done, and what the children need. Irritation and resentment can simmer, and a 'tit for tat' discourse can become commonplace.

Blocks

• Sleep deprivation
• Communication on the run
• Lack of understanding about each other's workload/responsibilities
• Negative patterns forming: Defensiveness, criticism, sulking, contempt, blame

​
Tips

• Help each other to catch up on sleep wherever possible. Alternating 'sleep ins' can be better than both of you getting up early and both being exhausted zombies. You may need to take the children out of the house to give your partner a real sleep in. Remember that as children get older, sleep gets better
• Try to make time to communicate about big issues at a time when you are not distracted by children. Ask your partner if you can talk later, and make a time to follow up on this. ​
• LISTEN to one another. Try to really hear what your parter is feeling and experiencing. There are stressful aspects to being at home with children, to working (as the main breadwinner), and to juggling between work and children. Try to really understand how each other feels, and think about ways to support one another.
• If negative patterns are emerging or setting in, seek couples therapy to 'nip it in the bud' and develop better ways of communicating (listening and expressing).

Summary
All three goals involve becoming aware of your thinking, your assumptions, and your expectations. Clarify what it is that you want, and set your intentions clearly for yourself. You may want to write them down or post them somewhere in your house where you can see them. You also may want to tell a friend, family member or partner about your goals to help you to stick to them.

Wishing all parents an active, patient and communicative 2026.

Written by Dr Renée Miller
Perinatal Clinical Psychologist
Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network

Life feels hard. You’re feeling anxious, stressed, overwhelmed. You’re feeling flat, lost, unhappy. You’ve been through difficult life experiences that are weighing you down or popping up unexpectedly. Perhaps you’re not functioning as well as you’d like to. 

Let’s face it, we all struggle at times in our lives, especially when it comes to becoming parents, and everything that goes with entering and enduring this emotional life stage.
 
You might be contemplating talking to someone, but also wondering “what would be the point?” “How could talking to a therapist help me?”  
 
Nowadays people rely on reviews to find out about other people’s experiences. As psychologists, we are prohibited from eliciting and publishing client testimonials, making it difficult for people to find out how therapy might have worked for others. 
 
The psychologists at the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network constantly receive feedback from our clients about their experiences of therapy. So we decided to pull together feedback we’ve received over the years, to bring to light the commonly reported benefits of therapy. 
 
Please note that no identities are revealed in the compilation of this list. The headings are written in the first person and are in no particular order.
 
Feeling heard, accepted and validated
 
Some people come to therapy reporting that when they were growing up, their feelings were not heard. With the best of intentions, parents can minimise or dismiss the feelings of their children, sending messages that their feelings are a sign of weakness, that they should just get on with things, or that their feelings signal catastrophe. These messages can play out in unhelpful ways in adulthood. 
 
Clients have reported that therapy provides them with a safe environment in which to identify and share their feelings. Once a good relationship and rapport has been established with their therapist, clients value that their feelings are accepted, are encouraged to be ‘felt’ (rather than shied away from or feared), and that their feelings are validated and understood (“it makes sense that you feel that way”).
 
Feeling ‘lighter’ by getting things off my chest
 
In some instances, a client’s therapist is the first person to whom they've disclosed difficult past experiences, distressing thoughts, or shameful feelings. By simply getting this information out, clients report feeling lighter – less consumed by their self-criticism, shame or fear of being judged. Within a trusted client-therapist relationship, repair can begin with the acceptance, validation and non-judgement the therapist brings. Clients ultimately  learn to do this for themselves.
 
Learning that all feelings pass
 
Interestingly, many clients report that being allowed to feel and express their feelings, along with having their feelings accepted and validated, provides an environment within which they learn that feelings evolve and change over time. By talking things through, feelings shift, and the intensity of the original feelings (often shame) diminishes.
 
Understanding why I think and react the way I do
 
In exploring the past, people learn about the ways in which they experience, and deal with their feelings – both internally and in relationships with other people. With insight into why they think and feel the way they do, their responses can be de-automated, giving them more choice and capacity to respond more adaptively. Clients learn to bring self-compassion to what was once habitual self-criticism or shame.
 
Recognising that my expectations and assumptions underlie my feelings and behaviours.
            
In exploring the past, people learn about how their expectations were formed and how their expectations cause them to feel and react in certain ways. In therapy, clients learn to challenge their expectations, and to refer to their values as their guide, rather than to their habitual internal narratives.

Examples of unhelpful beliefs:
 
Mothers should bond with their babies immediately.
As a mother, I should know exactly what my baby needs at all times.
Everything I do should be done perfectly otherwise I’ve failed.
If I don’t get enough sleep tonight, I won’t be able to function tomorrow.
I am uninteresting to others, so I avoid meeting new people.
My child should know to behave well when we go out.

Examples of assumptions:
 
She thinks I’m a terrible mum because she uses cloth nappies, and I don’t.
My partner won’t know what to do if I leave the baby with him.
The mothers at mothers’ group think I’m a bad mum because my baby cries more than the other babies.
No one cares about my grief after my miscarriage.
I’m a bad person because I had that awful thought.
If people knew the real me, they wouldn't want to be with me.
 
Learning to see another person’s point of view /emotional experience
 
It can be enlightening when people realise that they have been making assumptions about the behaviors or responses of others. They learn that there are many potential explanations for other people's behaviour, which may not actually be about them. When people learn about their own projections onto other people, they also learn that other people project their fears too. When clients see that everyone sees things from their own perspective, they can come to recognise that trying to please others is futile, and that even if they are being judged by another person, they can tolerate it as it is not a truth about them.
 
Learning how to live in the present and not engage in ‘what if’ thoughts
 
Clients learn the value of living in the present moment, of asking themselves “what’s required of me now”, rather than entertaining a litany of catastrophic thoughts about what could go wrong in the future. With practice, recognising and stopping “what if” thoughts can liberate clients from worry. Our clients have told us that one of the most helpful tools they've learnt in therapy is this -  "Managing Your Mind: Taming Worry" (watch video on Youtube).

Learning to accept what I can’t control
 
Clients can become practised at recognising what’s not in their control. As a result, they can develop more confidence about acting on what's actually in their control, and letting go of what is not. 
 
Learning skills

Skills learnt in therapy include 

• becoming more assertive in relationships 
• learning better ways of communicating and listening 
• learning to self-regulate when triggered
• learning coping strategies for when things get hard
• facing fears (in a supported environment), and becoming less fearful and anxious
• learning how to survive trauma and loss, and rebuild life
• learning how to set goals and commit to achieving them
• accessing compassion for self and others in place of criticism and judgement 
• identifying values, and making decisions based on values rather than fears
• understanding and responding to baby’s cues, thereby becoming a more confident parent and building a secure bond
• becoming a better parent by hearing, accepting and validating children, while being clear on boundaries and limits

Processing traumatic experiences

Some clients seek therapy to work through specific traumas, in particular, traumatic birth experiences. Some of our psychologists are trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing), which is a time-effective, evidence-based approach aimed at alleviating the distress associated with traumatic experiences. 

In summary

Overall, clients report becoming better versions of themselves - more tolerant of their own and other people's imperfections. They report feeling worthy of being cared for and seeing the value in caring for themselves and being cared for by others. They report an improvement in their moods and relationships, a lowering of their levels of stress and anxiety, an increased capacity to cope, and a strengthening of their sense of selves.

If you live in Victoria and feel that therapy may be of benefit for you, find a psychologist here.
 
Written by Dr Renée Miller
​Principal Clinical Psychologist
Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network 

Developing a comfortable and healthy relationship with our baby is perhaps the single most important role we can fulfil as a parent. Being with our babies in a relationship where we are present and attuned to their needs, helps them experience what it is like to feel safe and secure. This is the foundation babies need to develop positive feelings about themselves, thereby setting them up to optimise their full potential. As well, this first relationship with their parent serves as a blueprint for many future relationships in their lifetime. Feeling heard and understood and having emotional needs met helps individuals function productively in relationships.

It it safe to say that every parent has the best intention for an unblemished relationship with their child, yet this does not always go to plan. We can hit bumps in the early weeks or months of being a parent leaving us feeling doubtful about this new relationship. We may feel anxious, lost, even frightened of this much anticipated new arrival. For many parents, there can be feelings of aloneness or emptiness - a contrast to the joy they may have expected. What can follow are feelings of guilt, even shame, for not enjoying the parenting journey, compounded by crippling thoughts of being a bad parent. So powerful can this state of mind be that parents describe feeling stuck or frozen - caught between their internal turmoil and desperate attempts to care for the baby they so love and cherish.  

Human beings are complex. Each of us carries a story about relationships, and it begins with the people we first formed them with – our parents. This very first relationship has significant impact on the way we view ourselves and our place in the world. We develop emotional and behavioural patterns from these relationships and they become a part of ‘who we are’. For example, we might find that we are sensitive to a certain look or a tone. A look or a tone that can seem harmless enough, yet is able to rouse an emotional response so powerful and strong within us. Why is that? It is possible that the look or tone is familiar to us somehow, triggering emotions associated with our very early experiences of being in relationship with significant adults when we ourselves were children. This unique experience does not live in our awareness; it is embedded deep within us. Sometimes these emotional reactions are positive - received like a warm blanket. Other times they are negative and we feel alone and vulnerable, unprotected, unheard or misunderstood. Either way, they are feeling memories arising from our early relationships. 

Because of the closeness of the parent-infant relationship, our babies’ behaviour can inadvertently trigger old unresolved dynamics from our early relationships. Some parents experience feelings of anxiety or dread when their baby signals a need for proximity and comfort through crying or unsettledness. Others experience sadness, alarm or a feeling of rejection when their baby crawls away from them to explore the environment. Even though we may reasonably acknowledge that babies lack the sophistication to deliberately upset us, the emotions stirred up in us are so strong that it’s easy to think they are doing just that. What is not available to us at the time, is the knowledge that our baby’s behaviour is merely triggering our own experiences of unmet needs from our childhood - our parents’ own struggle with providing comfort when we needed it, or their discomfort with supporting our need for autonomy and independence. Making sense of our childhood experiences helps us to be more open to seeing our babies’ needs as separate to our experiences. It might give us the space to feel at ease with our babies, attending to their needs and connecting with them in the way we intend. It frees us up to have the kind of relationship with them that reminds them that they are special to us and that we can support them with both their need for comfort and their curiosity for learning about the world around them.

It is also important to remember that as much as we wish, we will never have the relationship running ‘right’ one hundred percent of the time. After all, experiencing pain and disappointment is part of the territory of being human. If we get it right enough of the time, we are doing a good enough job. Equally important to remember is that repairing the relationship with our child when we recognise we have missed the mark, is a powerful human gesture. Repairing and rebuilding teaches children important lessons of trust and hope. It gives them scope to be imperfect but still loved.

Tips

• Smile at your baby and gaze into their eyes. When your baby looks away, this could signal they need a break; wait for them to reconnect with you. This tells your baby you respect their need for space and that you will be there for them when they are ready. 
• Respond to your baby’s vocalisations. Imitate your baby’s sounds. Take turns talking.
• Sing to your baby.
• Be curious - look at what your baby is looking at. See the world from their perspective. Notice what your baby is interested in and use words to describe it.
• When your baby is crying, tell them that you are there. Hold your baby as this helps to sooth them, even if they continue to cry.
• Hold in mind how your baby is feeling. 
• Be with your baby in all their feelings so they know you love them no matter what they are going through.
• Delight in your baby. 

 
This article was written by Psychologist, Kanthi Sayers from the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network. Kanthi draws on the theoretical underpinnings of attachment theory and the teachings of Circle of Security. www.circleofsecurityinternational.com

Reference
Hoffman, K. Cooper, G., Powell, B. (2017). Raising a Secure Child: How Circle of Security Parenting can help you nurture your child’s attachment, emotional resilience, and freedom to explore. New York: The Guildford Press.

www.antenatalandpostnatalpsychology.com.au
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Worry strikes us all, particularly in the childbearing years.

Trying to conceive
Women who are trying to conceive can find the two-week wait interminable. A time when worry and fear can ramp up, out of control. The mind can become consumed by fearful thoughts. "What if I'm not pregnant?", "What if I'm going to need IVF?" "What if we can't have the family we've always dreamed of?"

During pregnancy
When pregnant, waiting for a scan, can mess with your mind. "What if there's something wrong with the baby?" "How would we cope?"

Women (especially those who have experienced a previous loss) can find themselves agonising over fears about something being wrong with the baby, of losing the baby, or of having a negative birth outcome.

As a parent
Then, when we become parents, the worries can be endless. "What if he doesn't sleep tonight?" "What if there's a developmental problem with my toddler?" "What if my child doesn't have friends?" What if my child becomes a bully?"

'What if' thinking
The fact is that any thought that begins with "what if" is by its very nature, not true. That doesn't mean that bad things don't happen. They do. But more often than not, our worries don't end up manifesting. And when bad things happen, we attend to the situation, drawing from our internal and external resources to cope, and we deal with what is actually happening. 

Worrying endlessly about things that could go wrong, is mentally exhausting. What people often don't realise is that we can manage our minds better than we think we can.

Taming worry
The first step is to recognise that our thoughts are not truths. When we worry about a future scenario that hasn't happened, we remove ourselves from the life we have right now. "What if" thoughts make us feel anxious and stressed. People typically look back at their worries and wish they hadn't wasted all that time fretting. 

So how do we manage fear and worry? What do we do when "what if" thoughts (or fears about the future) intrude?

This short video uses a Mindfulness-based, visual approach to help you to manage your worry and tame your mind. It takes practice, but you can do it! 


Written by Dr Renée Miller
Perinatal Clinical Psychologist
​Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network

Being a parent is stressful. 🤯
 
It’s a mix of

👉🏻 wanting to be good at it
👉🏻 feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility of it
👉🏻 feeling guilty for finding it tedious at times
👉🏻 resenting the relentlessness of it
👉🏻 fretting that we’re getting it wrong
👉🏻 missing our old life
👉🏻 worrying that we’re going to mess up our children
👉🏻 comparing ourselves to other parents
👉🏻 comparing our children to other children
👉🏻 constantly questioning and second guessing ourselves
👉🏻 facing an endless stream of guilt
👉🏻 lacking the time to reflect and introspect
 
On top of all that, parenthood presents us with 🫣

👉🏻 a mirror into how we ourselves were parented
👉🏻 a test of our patience and coping capacities
👉🏻 a reconfiguration of our relationships
👉🏻 an insight into the things we don’t like about ourselves

The reality is that parenting can be confronting and challenging. 

Yet parenthood also gifts us with

👉🏻 an opportunity to repair our pasts
👉🏻 the potential for profound growth
👉🏻 a chance to evolve and become better versions of ourselves

It's through the tough things in life that we become stronger and more resilient. 💪🏼

As psychologists who have dedicated our careers to working with new parents and parents of young children, we have seen the wisdom that can emerge through the hardships of parenting.
 
☀️ More self-awareness
☀️ Less self-criticism
☀️ Less blame of others
☀️ Repair of old hurts and past traumas
☀️ Better management of stress, anxiety, and low mood
☀️ Less reactivity, irritability and anger
☀️ More capacity to live in the present
☀️ Informed parenting strategies 
☀️ Increased compassion for the self and others
☀️ Less sweating of the small stuff (and knowing what the small stuff is)
☀️ More acceptance of the self
☀️ More acceptance of one's children
☀️ Clarification of one's true values
 
In sum, when we introspect as parents, and choose to grow through the parenting journey, we can

☀️ parent with greater insight and compassion
☀️ parent with more realistic expectations of both ourselves and of our children
☀️ parent with less guilt and self-doubt
☀️ parent with more understanding of what our children need
☀️ find joy in the smallest of moments
☀️ parent with resilience (the capacity to deal with the hard stuff)
☀️ benchmark life with values rather than comparison

The ultimate result? A more meaningful life all round, and the potential for raising emotionally intelligent, resilient children. ☺️
 
We invite you to follow our new psychological series on socials: Parent Insights
👍🏻  On Instagram
👍🏻  On Facebook

NOTE: This series is for educational and illustrative purposes only. Cases are based on generalized scenarios, composite cases, or fictionalized accounts. Any resemblance to an individual is purely coincidental.
 
Article written by Dr Renée Miller
Principal Clinical Psychologist
​Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network

We live in a world where striving is seen as thriving. But is it? 

We can become attached to the mindset of striving for more, striving to be better, striving for perfection. But at what cost?

We develop expectations and desires that set us up to feel unfulfilled if things aren’t a certain way. We can hold high expectations of ourselves, our partners, our children, our parents, and our friends. We can feel disappointed and let down when people don’t behave in the ways we want them to.

We can believe that if we don’t hold on tightly to our high expectations, we will in some way fail, our lives will be out of control, or that we don’t stand for much.

Reflecting on two decades of working as a psychologists with pregnant women and new parents, it struck me that much of people’s growth and happiness comes not from what they strive for, but from what they let go of.
 
I turned my attention to my clients (no identities disclosed) and to our Facebook followers to find out what people have let go of for a happier life. This is what I found:

As a parent

I let go of striving to return to my pre-baby body, and decided to just maintain a healthy lifestyle.

I let go of needing to clean and tidy my house before I'd have visitors, and now I don't care.

I let go of apologising for the mess in my house and now I say “you can see a lot of fun has been had around here.”

I let go of expecting my child to get dressed by himself, and kept dressing him to get out of the house without shouting. Then one day, he said “I CAN DO IT!”

I let go of comparing my house and my clothes to other parents.

I let go of worrying about how other parents see me as a parent. I learnt to recognise that everyone is different and that everyone does what works best for them.

I’ve let go of all the guilt I used to feel when failing to adhere to parental “shoulds”.

I let go of expecting my kid to be like other kids or to fit the expectations I had of her based on my own interests and experiences. 

I let go of thinking I’d be happy when my daughter got through the present phase and into the next phase.

Own behaviour

I let go of trying to do so much. Once the kids are asleep I watch TV or read a book. I need some time on my own to relax.

I let go of a high stress really well-paying job - working 12 hours a day every day even weekends to take a much lower paying job where I am just a regular worker rather than the boss and it’s made me the happiest I have ever been. I don’t even miss the pay cheque.

I let go of feeling guilty for doing things I enjoy.

I let go of trying to meet everyone’s needs before my own family’s. Now I tell the broader family what works for us and what doesn’t.

I let go of the urgency I had felt to find my ultimate job when my babies were small. Now I say to myself “all in good time”.

I let go of all the stuff around the house that I hadn’t used for a while, but was keeping just in case. 

I let go of ‘beating myself up’ if I said something inappropriate. We can all do that sometimes. If I offend someone, I apologize.

I let go of worrying about the future. That was big!

Social media

I let go of checking social media through the day, and I’m now more present with my children. This makes me SO much happier.

I’ve let go of connecting ‘likes’ on social media to my worth as a person.

I let go of looking at my phone in bed. I’m enjoying reading books and talking to my partner instead.

I recognise that what people post on social media is what they want others to see or think. I let go of letting other people’s ‘fabulous’ lives impact the way I see mine.

Friendships

Once I became a parent, I realised that my friends were busy with their children, and I let go of my expectations about how often we should catch up.

I let go of needing my friends to be there for me when I was struggling, and realised that some people can be there, and other people find emotions hard to deal with. I accept now that some of my friends are just fun friends.

I’ve let go of friendships which felt really hard to maintain or would leave me feeling exhausted afterwards (and they too have let me go). 

Relationship

I let go of needing my partner to notice the mess, and just asked for what needed to be done around the house.

I let go of trying to change my partner to mould him into what I wanted. I try to focus on all the positive things about him.

I let go of needing things to be done in MY time (i.e. NOW) and recognise that people have different time lines.

Parents and In-laws

I stopped waiting for my mum to ask how she can help, and now I ask for help when I need it.

I let go of needing my parents’ approval. I feel so much lighter and no longer worry about how they see me.

I stopped wishing my parents could be tuned in to my feelings. I now realise they are both emotionally damaged, and don’t have the capacity to hear me or to validate me.

Relationship with myself

I let go of being unkind to myself. Self-critical thoughts were the most unhelpful and damaging thing I ever did to myself.

I stopped comparing my life to others’ lives: My house, my car, my children, my husband.

I let go of trying to prove myself to others. I’m honest about not knowing about certain things (like politics). 

I let go of thinking I had to constantly please others. 

So is all striving bad?

Letting go for a happier life, does not mean letting go of all striving. It’s about letting go of the striving that comes at a cost. 
 
It’s about checking in on whether the expectations we hold are helping or hindering our happiness. 

It’s about letting go of the unhelpful ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’ that we’ve mindlessly accumulated over time or that 'belong' to other people. 

It’s about treating ourselves with kindness and compassion and measuring ourselves according to our values – what really matters. 

What do you need to let go of for a happier life?

Written by Dr Renée Miller (Perinatal Clinical Psychologist)
This article has been written in the first person to reflect the individual views of people whose identities have been protected.

The birth of a baby brings about significant changes to new parents - changes to their identities, their life-responsibilities and their relationships. The same can be said for new grandparents. At a time when they may be appreciating a new-found freedom, new grandparents face a re-orientation towards participating in their children’s and now grandchildren’s lives.

New parents are often exhausted, vulnerable, and desperate for practical and emotional support. They can hold expectations of their families based on assumptions they haven’t verbalised. As a result, new parents can feel disappointed when these expectations are not met.

Similarly, when a baby is born, new grandparents can hold their own ideas about their grandparenting roles and about the involvement they wish to have in the lives of their children’s offspring. Some grandparents can feel shut out of their grandchildren’s lives, and others can feel overly responsible to be available at all times.
 
What about when there are no grandparents?
Although family dynamics can be complicated, some new parents have no family support and can feel alone and isolated. For these families, the charity organisation, Caring Mums, trains older mums who volunteer their time to make weekly visits to families needing practical and emotional support. As part of their training, these volunteers learn to withhold their opinions, and to focus on fostering confidence in new parents, by supporting them to find their own way with their babies.
 
I was invited by Caring Mums to give a fundraising talk, entitled “Grandparenting in the 21st Century”. Drawing from many years as a perinatal (pregnancy and postnatal) psychologist, I had heard many stories about the ways in which grandparents become involved in families’ lives – in some cases providing invaluable support and fostering beautiful relationships with their grandchildren, and in other cases being uninvolved or even undermining the parents’ wishes. Needless to say, I had much to draw upon.
 
However, prior to the talk, I decided to do a little additional research. I posted a question on a mother-baby social media site asking mums to share their experiences regarding the “Dos and Don’ts” of grandparenting - "...what helps and what hinders?". Many mums responded, both publicly and privately. I collated their responses and shared this list with the grandparents who attended the talk.
 
•   Call before coming over
•   Only give advice when asked
•   Ask what support is needed
•   Just help, don’t offer
•   Help with practical tasks such as cooking, shopping, washing
•   Never do our washing
•   When visiting, bring a meal
•   Just do what needs to be done
•   Ask before you do things around the house
•   Don’t take the baby unless asked to. Let the new parents learn about their baby and develop good bonds
•   When you come over, offer to take baby and let Mum shower
•   Turn visitors away in the first 3 weeks
•   If you had a similar problem, tell the parents what you did, not what they should do
•   Get your vaccines done
•   Give predictable times when helping with grandchildren
•   Don’t compete with the other grandparents
•   Remember things have changed since you had children
•   Don’t say “we survived without….”, “we never did…..”
•   Don’t stay all day or expect to be waited on
•   Don’t force children to kiss/hug you
•   Babysitting is a privilege not a right
•   Listen without trying to solve problems
•   Don’t criticize without giving a solution
•   Don’t criticize!
•   When we do things differently to you, don’t take it as a personal criticism
•   Don’t judge a messy house
•   Don’t talk about mum’s pregnancy or post-baby weight
•   Don’t say “my baby”
•   Stick to the same rules as the parents
•   Don’t undermine the parents’ rules
•   Don’t give junk food to children if parents have asked you not to
•   Don’t say to the child “I’ll get into trouble if I give you that”
•   Do special things with the grandchildren
•   Tell the parents they are doing a good job
 
Two things struck me
1. There were obvious differences among mums about what constitutes support. Largely, the differences around asking about what can be done versus just doing it. Differences were evident between mums regarding the things they feel comfortable about grandparents doing for them. What is helpful and non-judgemental to one woman can be considered to be intrusive and laden with judgement to another.
 
2. When I shared the list of “Dos and Don’ts” to the grandparents who attended the talk, it was met with a resounding applause. The grandparents in the group agreed wholeheartedly with these requests. I was surprised. I was expecting to be met with some defensive responses about grandparents feeling used or misunderstood. But this was not the case. These grandparents agreed that the requests were reasonable.
 
Now it could be argued that the grandparents who chose to attend this talk were a group who had put a lot of thought into their grandparenting roles already - a group who had considered carefully how to best support their offspring and grandchildren. A group interested in doing the best they could as grandparents, hence their attendance at a talk such as this.
 
What I discovered
Notwithstanding that I may have struck a particularly supportive group of grandparents, a number of things became evident from my informal research across both groups:

• Some parents don’t know how to ask for help, or feel inadequate if they need help. This leaves grandparents uncertain as to whether the parents want them around. Not wanting to be intrusive, grandparents might hold back and wait to be asked. Parents can then assume that the grandparents aren’t interested in being involved, and can feel resentful or unsupported. Grandparents can feel under-valued, and unwanted.
• Some grandparents want so desperately to help or to forge relationships with their grandchildren that they become over-involved, giving unsolicited advice in their efforts to spare the parents (or themselves) distress. This can feel intrusive for the parents, who - especially in a vulnerable state - can receive grandparents’ actions or advice as criticism of the job they are doing.
• Some grandparents struggle with saying “no” to endless requests for help, to the extent that one grandparent in the group questioned whether it was ok to take a holiday.

 
Take home messages
There is an intrinsic complexity in these relationships, given the shared histories (joys and hurts) between grandparents and their children (the new parents).  But what can we learn from what parents and grandparents told me?
 
1.   Don’t assume
 
As was evident in the list, what is helpful for one person might not be helpful for another. Everyone is different. Similarly for grandparents, the role and the extent to which grandparents want to be involved differs from one grandparent to the next. It is not helpful for either party to assume that they know what the other is thinking, expecting or wanting.
 
2   Communicate
 
It is vital to talk to one another. When grandparents ask the new parents what they can do to help, this communicates not only a willingness to offer practical support, but it allows grandparents to tune in to their adult children’s needs and to really be there for them at this challenging time. It is ok for grandparents to express their desires to help as well as their conflicts around not wanting to interfere. This may be better for new parents to know as opposed to grandparents holding back, leaving new parents to make assumptions (e.g. “they don’t care”).  
 
Similarly, it is ok for grandparents to put limits on their time. In fact, many new parents have told me that they appreciate knowing what the grandparents feel is a reasonable amount of time spent with the grandchildren. Many new parents appreciate a predictable commitment of time so they can schedule breaks or time to get things done. And this can give grandparents precious time alone with their grandchildren.
 
Parents crave respect for their parenting choices, particularly when parenting opinions and judgements are rife in their everyday lives. They may ask for the grandparents’ opinions and they may not. This is their time to discover what works and what doesn’t. Remember, parents want to do what they believe is best for their child.
 
Summary
Sleep-deprived new parents can feel sensitive to well-intentioned comments or perceived judgements by grandparents. Many new parents grapple with defining the kinds of parents they want to be to their child. Their values come in part from what worked and what didn’t work for them in their childhoods. As this unfolds, closeness, differences, unresolved issues and stress can be triggered between new parents and grandparents.
 
Parents, tell grandparents what is helpful. More often than not they are wanting to do what helps, but they get can get it wrong when their actions are based on assumptions. Show them that you appreciate their efforts. Encourage them to forge special relationships with their grandchildren. Let them have some autonomy in their grandparenting without compromising the things that are really important to you. When you are not happy with something they are doing or not doing, express it in a calm, respectful way.
 
Parents, remember that grandparents have done their hard yards in parenting and working. Check in on how involved they want to be with the grandchildren. Respect this time in their lives by asking for help, not expecting it, and by showing your appreciation when you receive it. Indeed it could be argued that grandparents' care of your children is a “privilege not a right” - your privilege.
 
Grandparents, remember that parents won’t get it all right (they are human, just like you). They will be stretched physically and emotionally as parents. They need to know that you are there, and that you care. If they want your advice, let them ask for it. If you want to give advice, ask them if they would like to hear it.
 
Conclusion
Parenting and grandparenting are profound roles that shape families and leave enduring memories in children’s lives. Consider how you would like your children and grandchildren to remember family life. Share these goals with one another, express yourselves respectfully, show gratitude, and look after one another.
 
Written by Dr Renée Miller (Perinatal Clinical Psychologist)
Founder of the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network 
 
Thank you to the mums who generously shared their experiences on Babies Toddlers Kids Melbourne.
Thank you to the grandparents who attended the fundraising talk for Caring Mums, who shared their compassion and wisdom.
 
Further information about Caring Mums and donations to this important charity can be made here.
​​ ​

Daily life with a newborn is unpredictable.
When will the baby sleep?

How much are they eating?

Will they meet their milestones?

How will I cope?

These unknowns can lead to heightened vigilance and stress, and for some people, more extreme anxiety.

New parents, especially first-time parents, may find themselves worrying about whether they are doing it ‘right.’

The lack of experience can fuel self-doubt, as the brain enters a heightened state of protective alertness, constantly scanning for potential threats to the baby’s safety and wellbeing.

Adding to this challenge is the societal expectation that new parents ‘should ‘be filled with joy and excitement. There is an overwhelming cultural narrative that new parents should feel completely bonded and ‘loved up’ with their baby from the very beginning.

Yet, this pressure can be isolating for those who struggle with bonding, who feel overwhelmed by the responsibility, or who fear that they won’t be a good enough parent. Bonding can take time.

The fear of not doing it well enough, combined with perceived pressure to make the ‘right’ parenting decisions, can leave new parents feeling trepidatious and unsure.

New parents can be bombarded with conflicting advice, which can feel disorienting and can add to the worry and increase self-doubt.

All of this is magnified by sleep deprivation. Exhaustion from the physical demands of caring for a newborn can compound the emotional and psychological strain. When parents are sleep-deprived, even small challenges can feel insurmountable, and the uncertainty that comes with parenting can seem more daunting.

It’s no wonder that many new parents find this period an anxious one, as they navigate the ever-changing landscape of parenthood while trying to balance societal expectations, personal doubts, and the unpredictability of newborn life.

Whilst the uncertainty is unavoidable, there are ways to manage the anxiety and support yourself through times of change.

Be kind to yourself
Getting to know your baby and how to parent them is a learning process. Remember you are on a steep learning curve and you are sleep deprived! You won’t have all the answers right away, but your confidence will build over time.

TIP: Try to offer yourself the kindness and understanding that you would offer a close friend going through this. Imagine the compassion you would feel towards your friend, and what you would say in support of them. Remember you are doing your best in a tough situation, and its ok to learn as you go.

Plan for realistic situations, but don’t over plan
Uncertainty can trigger an avalanche of ‘what ifs”’.

What if my baby doesn’t sleep?

What if my baby cries when I am at the cafe?

What if my baby has a poo explosion in the car?

I often hear mums describing that they feel paralysed by the need to plan for every eventuality before they feel they can leave the house. This can become a vicious cycle, which can lead to anticipatory anxiety and possible avoidance.

TIP: Remember it’s impossible to predict everything. Focus on planning essentials that are sensibly within your control and remind yourself that you can problem-solve challenges that arise.

Ground yourself in the present moment
Those anxious ‘what if’ thoughts pull us out of the present and into an imagined catastrophic future that you can’t control. One way to manage this is through mindfully bringing your attention back to the here and now. This can be as simple as focusing on your breath, noticing sensations in your body, or paying close attention to your baby’s tiny features during a quiet moment together.

TIP: When you notice you are caught up in anxious thoughts, try mindfully taking three slow, deep breaths and focus on the feeling of your feet on the floor. This can help step out of anxious thoughts and bring yourself back to what is actually happening now. Ask yourself “what is required of me in this moment?” Take one thing at a time.

Notice how you cope with the unexpected
One of the most effective ways to manage anxiety around uncertainty is to become aware of how you typically respond when things don’t go according to plan. We all have natural coping mechanisms—some are helpful, and others may unintentionally increase our stress. By becoming mindful of how you react to unexpected events, you can start to shift towards healthier responses.

TIP: The next time something unexpected happens (e.g., the baby refuses to sleep or a routine goes awry), pause and take note of your immediate reaction.

Do you try to fix everything right away?

Do you become overwhelmed or self-critical?

Do you give up and feel helpless?

Noticing these patterns may allow you to reflect on whether they help or hinder your emotional wellbeing.
Once you become more aware of your coping style, you can experiment with new, more adaptive strategies. For example, instead of catastrophizing ("If the baby doesn’t nap, the whole day is ruined!"), try reframing the situation: "This is frustrating, but it doesn’t mean the whole day is lost. I can adjust and move forward." Acknowledging your frustration can be helpful, but it doesn’t have to take over your day.
 
Notice and deliberately practice flexibility
Notice when you are faced with an unexpected situation and you get through it (e.g., you successfully deal with an explosive poo at the shopping centre). 

Build your awareness of your resilience, flexibility and adaptability.  Learning to accept that things not going to plan is a normal part of parenthood. Rather than trying to control every situation, practice flexibility—recognizing that some days will be more challenging than others. Over time, this mindset shift can significantly reduce anxiety around the unknown.

TIP: Allow yourself to embrace the unexpected and give yourself an internal hug in recognition of managing well. If you felt you struggled, remind yourself you are learning and growing with each new experience.

Limit information overload
While it’s tempting to search for answers and solutions to every parenting question online, too much information can fuel anxiety. The internet is full of conflicting advice, which can make decision-making feel even more overwhelming.

TIP: Instead, try to limit your information sources to a few trusted experts or books, and allow yourself to begin to trust your own instincts as a parent, as you learn what works for your baby. Bearing in mind that babies change and evolve. Just stay tuned in.

Seek help
These strategies can be learned with practice, and you don’t have to navigate the journey alone. If you find yourself struggling to implement these techniques or if the anxiety feels overwhelming, reach out for support. Our team of psychologists are here to help you through this challenging time and provide the guidance you need for thriving as a new parent.

Article written by Dr Gwyn Rees
Perinatal Clinical Psychologist
Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network