 We live in a world where striving is seen as thriving. But is it? We can become attached to the mindset of striving for more, striving to be better, striving for perfection. But at what cost? We develop expectations and desires that set us up to feel unfulfilled if things aren’t a certain way. We can hold high expectations of ourselves, our partners, our children, our parents, and our friends. We can feel disappointed and let down when people don’t behave in the ways we want them to. We can believe that if we don’t hold on tightly to our high expectations, we will in some way fail, our lives will be out of control, or that we don’t stand for much. Reflecting on two decades of working as a psychologists with pregnant women and new parents, it struck me that much of people’s growth and happiness comes not from what they strive for, but from what they let go of. I turned my attention to my clients (no identities disclosed) and to our Facebook followers to find out what people have let go of for a happier life. This is what I found: As a parent I let go of striving to return to my pre-baby body, and decided to just maintain a healthy lifestyle. I let go of needing to clean and tidy my house before I'd have visitors, and now I don't care. I let go of apologising for the mess in my house and now I say “you can see a lot of fun has been had around here.” I let go of expecting my child to get dressed by himself, and kept dressing him to get out of the house without shouting. Then one day, he said “I CAN DO IT!” I let go of comparing my house and my clothes to other parents. I let go of worrying about how other parents see me as a parent. I learnt to recognise that everyone is different and that everyone does what works best for them. I’ve let go of all the guilt I used to feel when failing to adhere to parental “shoulds”. I let go of expecting my kid to be like other kids or to fit the expectations I had of her based on my own interests and experiences. I let go of thinking I’d be happy when my daughter got through the present phase and into the next phase. Own behaviour I let go of trying to do so much. Once the kids are asleep I watch TV or read a book. I need some time on my own to relax. I let go of a high stress really well-paying job - working 12 hours a day every day even weekends to take a much lower paying job where I am just a regular worker rather than the boss and it’s made me the happiest I have ever been. I don’t even miss the pay cheque. I let go of feeling guilty for doing things I enjoy. I let go of trying to meet everyone’s needs before my own family’s. Now I tell the broader family what works for us and what doesn’t. I let go of the urgency I had felt to find my ultimate job when my babies were small. Now I say to myself “all in good time”. I let go of all the stuff around the house that I hadn’t used for a while, but was keeping just in case. I let go of ‘beating myself up’ if I said something inappropriate. We can all do that sometimes. If I offend someone, I apologize. I let go of worrying about the future. That was big! Social media I let go of checking social media through the day, and I’m now more present with my children. This makes me SO much happier. I’ve let go of connecting ‘likes’ on social media to my worth as a person. I let go of looking at my phone in bed. I’m enjoying reading books and talking to my partner instead. I recognise that what people post on social media is what they want others to see or think. I let go of letting other people’s ‘fabulous’ lives impact the way I see mine. Friendships Once I became a parent, I realised that my friends were busy with their children, and I let go of my expectations about how often we should catch up. I let go of needing my friends to be there for me when I was struggling, and realised that some people can be there, and other people find emotions hard to deal with. I accept now that some of my friends are just fun friends. I’ve let go of friendships which felt really hard to maintain or would leave me feeling exhausted afterwards (and they too have let me go). Relationship I let go of needing my partner to notice the mess, and just asked for what needed to be done around the house. I let go of trying to change my partner to mould him into what I wanted. I try to focus on all the positive things about him. I let go of needing things to be done in MY time (i.e. NOW) and recognise that people have different time lines. Parents and In-laws I stopped waiting for my mum to ask how she can help, and now I ask for help when I need it. I let go of needing my parents’ approval. I feel so much lighter and no longer worry about how they see me. I stopped wishing my parents could be tuned in to my feelings. I now realise they are both emotionally damaged, and don’t have the capacity to hear me or to validate me. Relationship with myself I let go of being unkind to myself. Self-critical thoughts were the most unhelpful and damaging thing I ever did to myself. I stopped comparing my life to others’ lives: My house, my car, my children, my husband. I let go of trying to prove myself to others. I’m honest about not knowing about certain things (like politics). I let go of thinking I had to constantly please others. So is all striving bad? Letting go for a happier life, does not mean letting go of all striving. It’s about letting go of the striving that comes at a cost. It’s about checking in on whether the expectations we hold are helping or hindering our happiness. It’s about letting go of the unhelpful ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’ that we’ve mindlessly accumulated over time or that 'belong' to other people. It’s about treating ourselves with kindness and compassion and measuring ourselves according to our values – what really matters. What do you need to let go of for a happier life? Written by Dr Renée Miller (Perinatal Clinical Psychologist) This article has been written in the first person to reflect the individual views of people whose identities have been protected.   The birth of a baby brings about significant changes to new parents - changes to their identities, their life-responsibilities and their relationships. The same can be said for new grandparents. At a time when they may be appreciating a new-found freedom, new grandparents face a re-orientation towards participating in their children’s and now grandchildren’s lives. New parents are often exhausted, vulnerable, and desperate for practical and emotional support. They can hold expectations of their families based on assumptions they haven’t verbalised. As a result, new parents can feel disappointed when these expectations are not met. Similarly, when a baby is born, new grandparents can hold their own ideas about their grandparenting roles and about the involvement they wish to have in the lives of their children’s offspring. Some grandparents can feel shut out of their grandchildren’s lives, and others can feel overly responsible to be available at all times. What about when there are no grandparents? Although family dynamics can be complicated, some new parents have no family support and can feel alone and isolated. For these families, the charity organisation, Caring Mums, trains older mums who volunteer their time to make weekly visits to families needing practical and emotional support. As part of their training, these volunteers learn to withhold their opinions, and to focus on fostering confidence in new parents, by supporting them to find their own way with their babies. I was invited by Caring Mums to give a fundraising talk, entitled “Grandparenting in the 21st Century”. Drawing from many years as a perinatal (pregnancy and postnatal) psychologist, I had heard many stories about the ways in which grandparents become involved in families’ lives – in some cases providing invaluable support and fostering beautiful relationships with their grandchildren, and in other cases being uninvolved or even undermining the parents’ wishes. Needless to say, I had much to draw upon. However, prior to the talk, I decided to do a little additional research. I posted a question on a mother-baby social media site asking mums to share their experiences regarding the “Dos and Don’ts” of grandparenting - "...what helps and what hinders?". Many mums responded, both publicly and privately. I collated their responses and shared this list with the grandparents who attended the talk. • Call before coming over • Only give advice when asked • Ask what support is needed • Just help, don’t offer • Help with practical tasks such as cooking, shopping, washing • Never do our washing • When visiting, bring a meal • Just do what needs to be done • Ask before you do things around the house • Don’t take the baby unless asked to. Let the new parents learn about their baby and develop good bonds • When you come over, offer to take baby and let Mum shower • Turn visitors away in the first 3 weeks • If you had a similar problem, tell the parents what you did, not what they should do • Get your vaccines done • Give predictable times when helping with grandchildren • Don’t compete with the other grandparents • Remember things have changed since you had children • Don’t say “we survived without….”, “we never did…..” • Don’t stay all day or expect to be waited on • Don’t force children to kiss/hug you • Babysitting is a privilege not a right • Listen without trying to solve problems • Don’t criticize without giving a solution • Don’t criticize! • When we do things differently to you, don’t take it as a personal criticism • Don’t judge a messy house • Don’t talk about mum’s pregnancy or post-baby weight • Don’t say “my baby” • Stick to the same rules as the parents • Don’t undermine the parents’ rules • Don’t give junk food to children if parents have asked you not to • Don’t say to the child “I’ll get into trouble if I give you that” • Do special things with the grandchildren • Tell the parents they are doing a good job Two things struck me 1. There were obvious differences among mums about what constitutes support. Largely, the differences around asking about what can be done versus just doing it. Differences were evident between mums regarding the things they feel comfortable about grandparents doing for them. What is helpful and non-judgemental to one woman can be considered to be intrusive and laden with judgement to another. 2. When I shared the list of “Dos and Don’ts” to the grandparents who attended the talk, it was met with a resounding applause. The grandparents in the group agreed wholeheartedly with these requests. I was surprised. I was expecting to be met with some defensive responses about grandparents feeling used or misunderstood. But this was not the case. These grandparents agreed that the requests were reasonable. Now it could be argued that the grandparents who chose to attend this talk were a group who had put a lot of thought into their grandparenting roles already - a group who had considered carefully how to best support their offspring and grandchildren. A group interested in doing the best they could as grandparents, hence their attendance at a talk such as this. What I discovered Notwithstanding that I may have struck a particularly supportive group of grandparents, a number of things became evident from my informal research across both groups:
Take home messages There is an intrinsic complexity in these relationships, given the shared histories (joys and hurts) between grandparents and their children (the new parents). But what can we learn from what parents and grandparents told me? 1. Don’t assume As was evident in the list, what is helpful for one person might not be helpful for another. Everyone is different. Similarly for grandparents, the role and the extent to which grandparents want to be involved differs from one grandparent to the next. It is not helpful for either party to assume that they know what the other is thinking, expecting or wanting. 2 Communicate It is vital to talk to one another. When grandparents ask the new parents what they can do to help, this communicates not only a willingness to offer practical support, but it allows grandparents to tune in to their adult children’s needs and to really be there for them at this challenging time. It is ok for grandparents to express their desires to help as well as their conflicts around not wanting to interfere. This may be better for new parents to know as opposed to grandparents holding back, leaving new parents to make assumptions (e.g. “they don’t care”). Similarly, it is ok for grandparents to put limits on their time. In fact, many new parents have told me that they appreciate knowing what the grandparents feel is a reasonable amount of time spent with the grandchildren. Many new parents appreciate a predictable commitment of time so they can schedule breaks or time to get things done. And this can give grandparents precious time alone with their grandchildren. Parents crave respect for their parenting choices, particularly when parenting opinions and judgements are rife in their everyday lives. They may ask for the grandparents’ opinions and they may not. This is their time to discover what works and what doesn’t. Remember, parents want to do what they believe is best for their child. Summary Sleep-deprived new parents can feel sensitive to well-intentioned comments or perceived judgements by grandparents. Many new parents grapple with defining the kinds of parents they want to be to their child. Their values come in part from what worked and what didn’t work for them in their childhoods. As this unfolds, closeness, differences, unresolved issues and stress can be triggered between new parents and grandparents. Parents, tell grandparents what is helpful. More often than not they are wanting to do what helps, but they get can get it wrong when their actions are based on assumptions. Show them that you appreciate their efforts. Encourage them to forge special relationships with their grandchildren. Let them have some autonomy in their grandparenting without compromising the things that are really important to you. When you are not happy with something they are doing or not doing, express it in a calm, respectful way. Parents, remember that grandparents have done their hard yards in parenting and working. Check in on how involved they want to be with the grandchildren. Respect this time in their lives by asking for help, not expecting it, and by showing your appreciation when you receive it. Indeed it could be argued that grandparents' care of your children is a “privilege not a right” - your privilege. Grandparents, remember that parents won’t get it all right (they are human, just like you). They will be stretched physically and emotionally as parents. They need to know that you are there, and that you care. If they want your advice, let them ask for it. If you want to give advice, ask them if they would like to hear it. Conclusion Parenting and grandparenting are profound roles that shape families and leave enduring memories in children’s lives. Consider how you would like your children and grandchildren to remember family life. Share these goals with one another, express yourselves respectfully, show gratitude, and look after one another. Written by Dr Renée Miller (Perinatal Clinical Psychologist) Founder of the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network Thank you to the mums who generously shared their experiences on Babies Toddlers Kids Melbourne. Thank you to the grandparents who attended the fundraising talk for Caring Mums, who shared their compassion and wisdom. Further information about Caring Mums and donations to this important charity can be made here.   Daily life with a newborn is unpredictable.
When will the baby sleep? How much are they eating? Will they meet their milestones? How will I cope? These unknowns can lead to heightened vigilance and stress, and for some people, more extreme anxiety. New parents, especially first-time parents, may find themselves worrying about whether they are doing it ‘right.’ The lack of experience can fuel self-doubt, as the brain enters a heightened state of protective alertness, constantly scanning for potential threats to the baby’s safety and wellbeing. Adding to this challenge is the societal expectation that new parents ‘should ‘be filled with joy and excitement. There is an overwhelming cultural narrative that new parents should feel completely bonded and ‘loved up’ with their baby from the very beginning. Yet, this pressure can be isolating for those who struggle with bonding, who feel overwhelmed by the responsibility, or who fear that they won’t be a good enough parent. Bonding can take time. The fear of not doing it well enough, combined with perceived pressure to make the ‘right’ parenting decisions, can leave new parents feeling trepidatious and unsure. New parents can be bombarded with conflicting advice, which can feel disorienting and can add to the worry and increase self-doubt. All of this is magnified by sleep deprivation. Exhaustion from the physical demands of caring for a newborn can compound the emotional and psychological strain. When parents are sleep-deprived, even small challenges can feel insurmountable, and the uncertainty that comes with parenting can seem more daunting. It’s no wonder that many new parents find this period an anxious one, as they navigate the ever-changing landscape of parenthood while trying to balance societal expectations, personal doubts, and the unpredictability of newborn life. Whilst the uncertainty is unavoidable, there are ways to manage the anxiety and support yourself through times of change. Be kind to yourself Getting to know your baby and how to parent them is a learning process. Remember you are on a steep learning curve and you are sleep deprived! You won’t have all the answers right away, but your confidence will build over time. TIP: Try to offer yourself the kindness and understanding that you would offer a close friend going through this. Imagine the compassion you would feel towards your friend, and what you would say in support of them. Remember you are doing your best in a tough situation, and its ok to learn as you go. Plan for realistic situations, but don’t over plan Uncertainty can trigger an avalanche of ‘what ifs”’. What if my baby doesn’t sleep? What if my baby cries when I am at the cafe? What if my baby has a poo explosion in the car? I often hear mums describing that they feel paralysed by the need to plan for every eventuality before they feel they can leave the house. This can become a vicious cycle, which can lead to anticipatory anxiety and possible avoidance. TIP: Remember it’s impossible to predict everything. Focus on planning essentials that are sensibly within your control and remind yourself that you can problem-solve challenges that arise. Ground yourself in the present moment Those anxious ‘what if’ thoughts pull us out of the present and into an imagined catastrophic future that you can’t control. One way to manage this is through mindfully bringing your attention back to the here and now. This can be as simple as focusing on your breath, noticing sensations in your body, or paying close attention to your baby’s tiny features during a quiet moment together. TIP: When you notice you are caught up in anxious thoughts, try mindfully taking three slow, deep breaths and focus on the feeling of your feet on the floor. This can help step out of anxious thoughts and bring yourself back to what is actually happening now. Ask yourself “what is required of me in this moment?” Take one thing at a time. Notice how you cope with the unexpected One of the most effective ways to manage anxiety around uncertainty is to become aware of how you typically respond when things don’t go according to plan. We all have natural coping mechanisms—some are helpful, and others may unintentionally increase our stress. By becoming mindful of how you react to unexpected events, you can start to shift towards healthier responses. TIP: The next time something unexpected happens (e.g., the baby refuses to sleep or a routine goes awry), pause and take note of your immediate reaction. Do you try to fix everything right away? Do you become overwhelmed or self-critical? Do you give up and feel helpless? Noticing these patterns may allow you to reflect on whether they help or hinder your emotional wellbeing. Once you become more aware of your coping style, you can experiment with new, more adaptive strategies. For example, instead of catastrophizing ("If the baby doesn’t nap, the whole day is ruined!"), try reframing the situation: "This is frustrating, but it doesn’t mean the whole day is lost. I can adjust and move forward." Acknowledging your frustration can be helpful, but it doesn’t have to take over your day. Notice and deliberately practice flexibility Notice when you are faced with an unexpected situation and you get through it (e.g., you successfully deal with an explosive poo at the shopping centre). Build your awareness of your resilience, flexibility and adaptability. Learning to accept that things not going to plan is a normal part of parenthood. Rather than trying to control every situation, practice flexibility—recognizing that some days will be more challenging than others. Over time, this mindset shift can significantly reduce anxiety around the unknown. TIP: Allow yourself to embrace the unexpected and give yourself an internal hug in recognition of managing well. If you felt you struggled, remind yourself you are learning and growing with each new experience. Limit information overload While it’s tempting to search for answers and solutions to every parenting question online, too much information can fuel anxiety. The internet is full of conflicting advice, which can make decision-making feel even more overwhelming. TIP: Instead, try to limit your information sources to a few trusted experts or books, and allow yourself to begin to trust your own instincts as a parent, as you learn what works for your baby. Bearing in mind that babies change and evolve. Just stay tuned in. Seek help These strategies can be learned with practice, and you don’t have to navigate the journey alone. If you find yourself struggling to implement these techniques or if the anxiety feels overwhelming, reach out for support. Our team of psychologists are here to help you through this challenging time and provide the guidance you need for thriving as a new parent. Article written by Dr Gwyn Rees Perinatal Clinical Psychologist Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network  Typically Mums carry the mental load. They find themselves managing a heap of hidden tasks that involve researching, planning and organising for the family. Remembering to buy those thoughtful birthday gifts for little friends, meal planning that caters to the health and idiosyncrasies of the family; organising, researching, scheduling and booking after school activities and play dates. Reading countless social media parenting posts with their children’s emotional well-being in mind. And this is just a snapshot of a mother’s brain. The work that goes on in our minds is invisible. You might see mum buying and wrapping the birthday gifts, shopping for food and cooking meals, driving to after school activities, going to play dates at friends’ houses. What you don’t see, is the thinking that goes on behind the scenes. Many of my clients struggle with this load, especially when their expectations of themselves are overly high or unrealistic. Many modern women say that they thought their partners or husbands were ‘modern guys’, men who valued gender equality, equal rights, in some cases even espousing the virtues of feminism. Then the children came. It can take women some time to realise the inequality that slips in behind the scenes. The default to traditional roles embedded in the psyche of their partners, and ironically, of themselves. The unfortunate result can be overwhelm and resentment. Resentment at their partners for happily allowing the load to fall on their shoulders, resentment at their partners for not understanding the extent of the load, and anger at themselves for enabling this inequity. Dr Gwyn Rees, psychologist at the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network, makes the following suggestions:
https://www.gottman.com/ https://www.drdansiegel.com/
 When we imagine having a baby, our minds create narratives about the hoped-for child. Along with the child we envisage raising, we hold scripts about the kind of parents we hope to be. Then we become pregnant, and these fantasies intensify. The narratives we hold are formed by our past, and by the meaning we derived from the relationships we’ve experienced and observed. We unconsciously amass information and draw conclusions about parents and children, family compositions, siblings, and the meaning of gender within these relationships. When we find out the sex of our baby (whether in utero or after birth), this intricate web of preconceived ideas springs to the surface. Stories about ourselves, our relationships, our fears, our regrets, and our desires. Some or all of these things can be wrapped up in our perceptions about the sex of our baby. Not everyone has a strong preference for the sex of their baby, but for some women (and less commonly, men), the gender of their baby is steeped in personal meaning. When the baby is not the hoped-for daughter or son, some people experience mild to extreme disappointment, grief, and even depression. Before you judge with “surely a healthy baby is all that matters”, let’s make it clear that a healthy baby is the wish of all parents. But for some parents, the meaning of their baby’s sex is so deeply-rooted in their psyches that the loss of their hoped-for child can be devastating. To truly understand gender disappointment and the grief women can experience, we need to respectfully understand the particular meaning for the individual. People’s reasons and stories differ uniquely. However, there are some common themes. The themes From the vast response I received to my Facebook post (both publicly and privately), there were some noteworthy themes. 1. Gender disappointment appeared to be more commonly experienced by women. A small proportion of women spoke about their male partners’ gender disappointment (equally in relation to wished-for boys as compared to wished-for girls). 2. The majority of women’s gender disappointment was in relation to the preference for a girl. This was followed by the preference for one of each sex. And less commonly, by the preference for a boy. The wish for a girl was associated with the following narratives:
The wish for one of each was associated with the following narratives:
The wish for a boy was associated with the following narratives:
“Why can’t you just be happy to have a healthy baby?” (A common judgement) As indicated by the women who responded to my post, gender disappointment does not negate their appreciation and gratitude for a healthy baby. Nor does it (in most cases) preclude loving the baby who was born. The disappointment and grief is about the baby who was not born, the baby who had been yearned for and mentalized, in some cases from as far back as a woman can remember. Extrapolating from the many reasons women offered for their gender disappointment, I propose that these feelings can be understood by three types of projections: 1. REPLICATION Women seek to replicate what they experienced or witnessed, because it was positive. 2. REPAIR Women seek to repair what they experienced or witnessed, because it was negative. 3. REFLECTION OF SELF The wished-for child is a reflection of the woman’s perceptions of self (identity, regrets, hopes, fears, dreams). The grief associated with gender disappointment is real, and can run deep. The grief When the sex of one’s child is opposite to that of the wished-for child, and the family composition differs from the imagined picture, there is a loss of a strongly held ideal. An ideal that may sit alongside one’s self-identity (including one’s cultural identity) and one’s amalgamated past. When this is the case, the depth of grief may be intense. Sadly this grief tends to be disenfranchised. Most women believe that other people don’t understand their distress (and indeed, many people do not), so they grieve alone or minimise their feelings to reduce cognitive dissonance. Women often feel ashamed and guilty for their feelings of disappointment. They judge their feelings as unjustified because they haven’t lost a ‘real’ baby. And when they have lost a baby or have experienced fertility difficulties, the guilt and shame can be worse. Beneath their shame there may be questions like these:
The grief from gender disappointment needs time for reflective processing to acknowledge and work through the feelings and layers of loss. How does therapy help? In some cases, the feelings can be overwhelming and may affect a woman’s mental health and her capacity to bond with her baby. Therapy can be a helpful way to learn to see and appreciate the arrived baby for the unique individual they are, whilst recognising that it’s okay to mourn the loss of the idealised baby. Therapy can also help women to examine their assumptions and biases about gender, and the meaning they’ve attributed to it through the lens of their past. The truth of the matter The truth is that our narratives are not truths. Our narratives are stories we’ve compiled over the course of our lives. These stories are based on subjective conclusions we’ve drawn about boys and girls, sons and daughters, sisters and brothers, in the context of our own history. As we parent the children we have, we grieve many idealised images or expectations along the way. There are all sorts of things parents wish for in their children that may not come to fruition. Who they are, how they think, what they do, can differ considerably from what we had hoped for and from who we are. Once again, our unconscious wishes to replicate, repair and reflect ourselves, stem from the experiences and meaning derived from our pasts. In essence, parenting is a constant process of recalibrating what we wished for in accordance with what we have. Ultimately, when we are not blinded by our projections, we free ourselves to accept and cherish our children for the unique individuals they are. This doesn’t mean we don’t have pangs of sadness, wondering what life would be like with that dreamed for little girl or little boy. But when we acknowledge our grief and accept our reality, we can more readily foster the kinds of relationships and experiences we value with our children, irrespective of their assigned sex. This article was written with stories shared both publicly and privately on the Facebook page of the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network. Compiled and written by Dr Renée Miller, with gratitude to the many women who shared their feelings and experiences on this deeply personal topic. Dr Renée Miller is the Principal Clinical Psychologist of the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network. This article was originally written in July 2020. Further resources: Page on website on gender disappointment. Click here.
   Helping to soothe your child’s anxious feelings is one of the most precious gifts you can give them. Every time you help soothe your child’s big feelings, your child develops a trust that their difficult feelings can subside. Over time (a long time), and with your help, children eventually learn to regulate their own emotions. The reality is that parents don’t always know this. They often find themselves at a loss about how to manage or change their child’s “difficult” behaviour (e.g. tantrums, defiance, not listening, refusing to participate, bed-time struggles). The problem with the behavioural management approach is that it may not consider the feelings that the child is experiencing – the feelings that underly their challenging behaviours. Behaviour is communication When children ‘act out’, ‘misbehave’, ‘don’t listen’, withdraw, what are they actually communicating? Usually, young children don’t have words for the overwhelming feelings inside them. And they certainly don’t know how to make sense of them. Children’s challenging behaviour may be a result of major life changes or experiences. Examples of such experiences include:
These are just a few examples of experiences that can impact children and result in them feeling emotionally disorganised or overwhelmed. What we may see, is their challenging behaviour. Take for example the child who gets a new sibling. While many children delight in the experience of having a new sibling, others can struggle. Often, it’s a mixed bag of feelings. An emotional storm may be brewing in even the most excited of siblings. When a new baby comes into the family, the older child has typically been through the pregnancy that may have resulted sickness and/or reduced energy levels in their mum. Then there’s the anticipation of the baby being born and the child being separated from his/her parents at the time of the birth. Although seemingly excited to be an older sibling, the child may be affected by these changes, and may feel insecure and displaced. Often there is a regression in the older sibling’s behaviour - this is normal. What we may see, is their challenging behaviour. Suddenly, a mum and dad who were exclusively theirs are shared by a newcomer to the family that everyone is cooing over. He/she might feel pushed aside. The child might feel angry that the new baby is needy and has access to mum’s body in a way that the he/she no longer does. Watching mum breastfeed might bring up feelings of envy that are hard for the older sibling to understand. Mum and dad are likely to be exhausted and the older sibling may not be able to make sense of this. The older sibling may tantrum, regress (needing parents more), and unhelpfully, be labelled as “difficult”. This storm inside the child needs to be processed and understood. For this to happen, parents need to see the feelings that lie beneath the behaviours, and help the child put words to them. Are you feeling angry because Mummy has to feed the baby again and you really wanted to play? Are you feeling sad that baby won’t stop crying? You so wanted to read your book with me, then baby started fussing? Are you feeling a bit cranky that baby needs me so much? It doesn’t seem fair does it? The first step in helping children to process their feelings is showing them that their big feelings don’t scare or upset you. That you are there for them is all of their emotional chaos. Then, children need to be heard and validated. With kindness, understanding, and patience, big feelings can settle. When the big feelings settle, there can be a space to come up with a solution. How about I read your book to you while I’m feeding baby? When I’ve changed baby’s nappy, I’ll put him in the carrier and sit down on the floor with you to play leggo. How about when Daddy gets home, you and I have a bath together and play with your dinosaurs? To have empathy for your child’s emotional world, it might be useful to think about a time in your life when you felt like you had a storm going on inside you. Certain experiences leave us feeling anxious or unsettled, and in these moments, it can feel as if we are falling to pieces on the inside. You may feel like nobody else can see this, but you feel awful. You might not even know what you need at such times and may find yourself withdrawing, getting angry or feeling quite tearful. These overwhelming feelings can impact how you function, as well as your capacity to think clearly and make sense of things. What can help is having a trusted friend or therapist sit with you and tune into your emotions, show they understand you (without judgement), and help you to disentangle the knots of overwhelm that you are feeling inside yourself. With this, you might find yourself breathing deeper, and thinking clearer. Overall, feeling calmer. The same applies to children. They don’t have words to say what they are feeling, but their behaviours reveal something to us – that there is a storm inside them. A word from the author In my psychology practice, I often encounter parents who have trouble when it comes to helping their children manage their anxiety and other difficult feelings. This prompted me to write a psychologically based children’s book drawing from both theory and clinical experience. The book is titled The Storm Inside Katie with characters that are easy to relate to and identify with for both children and parents. My aim was to provide an accessible resource that reads like a story for children but helps parents understand the impact of overwhelming feelings and the various ways in which parents mays respond to children when they are feeling afraid or unsettled for various reasons. The book also provides an opportunity for meaningful conversations between parents and their children These communications may coincide with parents trying to deal with their own difficult feelings and experiences, which can all feel quite overwhelming. It can be extremely difficult to organise your child’s feelings if you are feeling emotionally unsettled yourself. If you are struggling, it may be helpful to consult with a psychologist to address the storm inside you, and to receive guidance in making sense of and responding to your child’s storms. Written by Clinical Psychologist, Beverley Marcus. The Littlies Clinic, Melbourne. Copies of The storm Inside Katie are available to purchase by emailing [email protected] to place your order.   New fathers appear to have it easy. They are spared the physical and emotional discomfort of pregnancy. They don’t endure the pain of childbirth. They don’t spend the weeks and months of new fatherhood trying to get used to a body that has inextricably changed and no longer feels familiar. While men don’t have the physical signs to show for it, the transition to fatherhood is no less profound, exhilarating, and daunting. In my work with new parents, I am often reminded that the feelings and worries experienced by dads can be somewhat overlooked. What’s more, a lot of men have trouble talking about them. What is my Role? Some fathers question their roles in the early weeks and months, when typically mothers are the primary caregivers. As a new father it’s easy to feel a bit left out. However, research tells us that fathers’ relationships with their newborns make a significant impact right from birth. Actually, it starts long before birth, because babies begin to recognise their father’s voice at around 22 weeks of pregnancy. So when that bump starts to grow, it’s time to get talking. The most important thing dads can do for their newborns is to simply spend time with them – cuddling, rocking, talking, singing, and settling. Getting to know each other in a hands-on way is good for everyone. For inexperienced dads, on the job training is the best confidence and relationship builder of all. And the benefits for babies are vast. Several studies suggest the quality and quantity of baby-father involvement directly impacts language development and children’s sense of security growing up. There is also research showing that babies with strong attachments to their dads tend to have fewer behavioural problems later on. Not surprisingly, research also tells us that when mothers view their partners as competent - when they provide encouragement, and believe that parenting is a joint venture - men are more likely to be involved and value their roles as fathers. The key is mothers viewing their partners as competent. This is an issue many couples struggle with, and it comes up regularly in my work with new parents. Because mothers tend to spend more time with their newborns than their partners do, they clock up many more practice opportunities, and can feel that the way they have learnt to do things is the only way. So whether it’s changing nappies, settling a fussy baby, or managing the bath routine, dads can easily get left behind in the skill development stakes. An all too frequent result can be mums hovering on the sidelines offering unsolicited advice, or worse, taking over and doing it ‘properly’ themselves. The result? Dads can feel inadequate, resentful, and less motivated to try the next time. The impact of not letting dads learn on the job can be mums feeling unsupported. Where has my relationship gone? Becoming parents calls for huge adjustments in relationships. Changes in roles, workloads and finances, not to mention the sheer exhaustion of caring for a baby. These pressures can impact even rock solid partnerships. Worries about how a baby may or has changed their relationship are among the most frequent concerns voiced to me by fathers. Some fathers experience feelings of helplessness as they watch their partners overwhelmed by tiredness, or having difficulties breastfeeding. Some women experience postnatal depression, and dads often feel at a loss as to how to ‘fix it’, feeling inadequate that they are not being able to make everything OK. For other dads, it’s the loss of emotional connection that has been chipped away by the constant tension of tiredness and frayed patience. They can feel like they’ve lost their best friend amidst the unfamiliarity and daily grind early parenthood can bring. Some fathers talk about feeling in competition with their babies - for time, attention, and affection. Even while understanding their partner’s all-encompassing focus on their baby, dads can feel invisible or fearful that there’s not enough love to go around. The reality of course, is that the birth of a baby can test even the strongest relationships. Even good relationships can stumble under the weight of it all. But the good news is that the overwhelming majority tend to bounce back again once everyone is getting more sleep, things settle down, and issues like sharing the workload are resolved. Remember, parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes time and practice for both of you to adjust to being mum and dad, to learn the ropes, and to find space in there for each other. Here are some points to consider: · Communicate with each other. It’s a vital ingredient in sharing your worries and doubts, asking for support, and working as a team · Practice empathy which means being open to each other’s experiences and feelings, especially the ones that are different to yours · Avoid competing about who has it tougher – nobody wins this one and it’s a certain resentment builder · Seek professional support if worries become too big, anxiety or low mood become habitual states, or you need help adjusting to the change. Remember, dads experience postnatal depression and anxiety too. This post was written by Dr Karola Belton Clinical Psychologist Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network   The children are asleep. The house is quiet. You're exhausted. Time to sleep. But you can't. Your mind is rehashing the day. Thoughts come up about tomorrow, next week, the future. And then you start worrying about not being able to sleep. You look at the clock. Time is moving. You think "how am I going to get through tomorrow?" You try deep breathing. That helps. But your mind is still going. You say to yourself "stop thinking and go to sleep". You put on relaxation music, but your mind is still going. You start to feel anxious. You count sheep, but your thoughts creep back in. The more you 'try' to sleep, the more sleep eludes you. Sleep onset difficulties strike many busy parents. Dr Luc Beaudoin, is an adjunct Professor in Cognitive Science at Simon Fraser University. He says that when our brain's executive function is 'firing', we are accessing memory, evaluation, planning, scheduling, and problem solving. He refers to this as "mental peturbance". When these mental actions are in play, our brains are too active to settle to sleep. Dr Beaudoin has developed a simple cognitive tool that interrupts and counteracts these processes. It's called "cognitive shuffling". The approach moves you from of a high state of alertness, towards drifting off to sleep. Cognitive shuffling scrambles your thoughts so that your brain can't try to make sense of things. It interrupts the processes of memory, evaluation, planning, scheduling and problem solving. Here's how it's done.
Sleep deprivation is a harsh reality of parenthood, but there's nothing more frustrating than not being able to sleep because of your own mind. Dr Beaudoin's cognitive shuffling technique, may be the answer to settling your busy mind, and optimising your sleep. If you need a little help, Dr Beaudoin has translated cognitive science into a sleep app called mysleepbutton.com®. Publications: http://www.sfu.ca/~lpb/pubs.html Written by Dr Renée Miller Perinatal Clinical Psychologist Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network   Perfection-striving is a bottomless pit. There is no end. You continually strive to be better, yet the goal posts keep moving. Not only does perfection elude you, it pushes you further away from feeling good enough. We often see new mums who with the best of intentions for their babies and families, are striving to be ‘perfect’ mothers – to parent in the ‘perfect’ way. The reason they are in therapy, is often because this endless pit of striving sets them up to fail, and this perceived failure feels intolerable. There is typically a lifetime of layers beneath the surface of this striving, which we explore with our clients in order to make sense of the past messages they may have integrated, and their resulting automated drives. The key is to de-automate, understand the fruitless endeavour of perfectionism, and change perfectionistic behaviour. Why? Striving for perfection can seriously limit our capacity to enjoy life. Perfection-striving is often associated with all-or-nothing or black-and-white thinking. For example, the mum who won’t go to mother’s group if she is going to be late, misses out on the building of relationships with other mums (who are often late themselves). The mum who won’t exercise if she can’t exercise three times per week, misses out on the benefits of some exercise and a little time-out. The mum who won’t invite people over unless she gets the time to make the house look immaculate, misses out on the fun and spontaneity of having other new mums and babies around for her own and her baby’s social well-being. The mum who won’t let her partner settle the baby because he/she won’t do it like she does, misses out on her partner’s support and her partner's growing bond with the baby. The bottom line is that there is no one way, and there is no right way. When your hard and fast rules about how things should be, get in the way of the things that give your life meaning (i.e. the things that you really value) ask yourself if there is a middle ground? The middle ground is a place where we strive for being ‘good-enough’ mothers. Perfectionists usually see this term “good enough” as meaning mediocre. However, ‘good-enough’ means good enough. For example, getting to mothers group late is better than not going at all. It can be a good laugh and a supportive environment. Exercising whenever possible (despite wishing to achieve three exercise sessions per week) is better than nothing, and is likely to become easier to achieve over time. Inviting friends over, even if the house is untidy, shows them that you are human after all (very comforting for most people), and demonstrates that you value friendships more than your domestic high standards. Letting your partner settle the baby even if he/she does it differently to you, knowing that this is their chance to discover what works, and to establish a good bond. The middle ground is a much kinder place – a place of acceptance, and openness to experience. Try it. You’ll see. You might even find that not only can you be a 'good-enough' mum, you can be a great mum! If these tips are not enough, and your need for perfection is causing you distress, it may be worthwhile to seek help. Written by Dr Renée Miller Principal Perinatal Clinical Psychologist Founder Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network Co-founder The Perinatal Loss Centre   We left the paediatrician's office feeling shocked, gutted, and numb. We were told that our child's delayed development could be an indication of Autism Spectrum Disorder. We were barraged with names and details of specialists who could continue assessing Henry and provide therapeutic support. What? Autism? In the days that followed we watched Henry's every move, his every expression, the way he played, ate, and interacted. The way we saw our beautiful boy had changed since the excruciating hour and a half we spent answering questions, completing questionnaires, and trawling through our memories of Henry's developmental milestones (or lack thereof). With each milestone he appeared to have 'failed', our hearts sank further and further. We were reassured about the services that could help Henry to learn some of the skills he would need in life - a life we now imagined playing out in the bleakest of ways. We began contacting the names of the practitioners we had been given. Dying inside that our boy was now going to be scrutinised, assessed, and labelled. Putting one foot in front of the other, we followed directions to implement assessment and support services for Henry. But who is there to support us? Who can help us to cope with the grief, the trauma, the rising panic? How do we parent our boy now? Who are we now? What does this mean for our other children? When a child is diagnosed with a developmental disorder such as Autism Spectrum Disorder, there are a multitude of services to support the child. But parents often feel out at sea themselves. Where do they turn to understand their role as parents? Who do they see to recalibrate their views and expectations of their child? How do they manage with the challenges their child brings to the family?  Dr Alison Wilby is a Clinical Psychologist who supports parents facing developmental concerns in their young children (under 8 years old). Alison understands the trauma, the profound disappointment, and the fear that parents can feel when they are told there is 'something wrong' with their child.
Integrating over 20 years of working with new parents and young children (particularly where there are significant developmental challenges), and with a PhD on the role of parenting in early social emotional development, Alison is well placed to support parents traversing the multidisciplinary landscape of the Autism Spectrum. Alison is a warm and caring practitioner who helps parents understand how their child thinks and behaves within the challenges and strengths each child displays. Alison provides assessment and support for parents who are concerned about the development of their infant or child, and she provides tools to manage difficult behaviour while helping parents to gain clarity on the underlying causes. Alison has a particular interest in Autism Spectrum Disorder and anxiety disorders in early childhood, including young children with selective mutism. With her background in parent-infant settings, Alison works with children who have been affected by a parent’s mood disorder. In situations where mothers have been hospitalized, Alison supports children who are struggling with the distress of separation. Irrespective of the diagnosis a child might receive, Alison assists parents to build confidence in their parenting, working with couples to help them to determine optimal strategies for parenting their particular child. Alison's ultimate aim is to help parents to parent with love and acceptance of their child, and to see the unique capabilities that every individual child possesses. Alison is located in Melbourne’s south east (Caulfield North, Hampton and Glen Iris). Read more about Dr Alison Wilby here: https://www.antenatalandpostnatalpsychology.com.au/dr-alison-wilby Article written by Dr Renée Miller Principal Clinical Psychologist Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network |
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