Parents' top 3 goals: Blocks and how to overcome them

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Dr Renée Miller summarizes the top 3 goals parents express, the blocks that can hinder these goals, and tips on how to overcome these blocks.
 

1. Exercise

There is no doubt that exercise improves emotional well-being. Aside from its general health benefits, exercise has consistently been found to improve mood and to help with stress and anxiety. Clearing the mind, having time and space away from the children, and increasing general levels of energy can make an enormous difference in the day- to-day functioning of parents.

Blocks
Although we know the benefits of exercise, a number of blocks can stop us from achieving this goal. The common blocks parents report include:

• Low levels of energy, lack of motivation or tiredness
• Wanting to exercise but finding that time slips away and you don't get around to it
• Having no one to look after the children
• Cost of attending a gym is unaffordable
• Claiming that the weather is prohibitive (too wet, too cold, too hot)
• All or nothing thinking (“if I can’t exercise 3 times per week - like I used to - then I won’t exercise at all”)

 
Tips  

• The more tired and unmotivated you're feeling, the more the “just do it” mantra comes into play. With this attitude, exercise can become a priority. Exercise increases our energy levels. The more we do it, the more motivated we can become by experiencing the benefits first hand, thereby wanting to do it more. 

 

• The key is to schedule it, to make it part of your weekly routine. Like brushing your teeth is part of your everyday routine, exercise can become part of your weekly routine. This may involve some initial planning and negotiation - to have a partner, family member or friend look after children to ensure you get the space to do it. But it’s worth it! 

 

• If you have no one to take care of the children, incorporate the children into your exercise (e.g. a run around an enclosed oval while watching your child in a pram or playing in the middle of the oval, take a brisk walk with your baby in the pram, or run around the park while your child plays on the equipment - age appropriately of course). But remember to schedule it so you know exactly what day your exercise happens. 

 

• Some parents swap childcare favours so they can take turns to exercise while having their children looked after. If exercise is a priority, you will make it happen. The key is scheduling it so excuses are not easy to make.

 

• There are many ways to exercise that don’t involve money or weather conditions. For example, exercising to a DVD or an online program, walking or running (even in the rain). Some parents hire treadmills or bikes for the Winter months – to exercise at home. If all else fails, you may be able to catch 20 minutes in the early morning before children awaken to do some indoor running, star jumps and the like. Remember to schedule it.

 

• If a gym membership is affordable, think about taking a membership at a gym that has a crèche. This can be a wonderful resource for parents to get some much needed time-out (to exercise that is). Remember to schedule it.

 

• If all or nothing thinking is your block, remember, exercising once per week is better than not exercising at all. Over time, this will change, and you may be able to add more times to your schedule.

 

• With the help of child care, if you can exercise as a couple, this can bring the benefits of both exercise and time together.

2. More patience with children
I have never met a parent who didn't wish they were more patient with their children. Parenting is hard. Parents are constantly pulled from pillar to post, attending to children’s needs, to their ever-changing idiosyncrasies and to their unpredictable and seemingly irrational emotional outburts - often while trying to get other things done.
 
Blocks

• Stress - due to too many things on your plate, or competing demands
• Expectations that things should be different to how they are, or unrealistic expectations about your childrens' capacities
• Perfectionism
• Depression or anxiety

Tips

• When stressed, we tend to keep doing things in the hope that we will feel better once tasks are completed. The problem is that the 'to do' list never ends. We need to know when to stop, when to de-prioritise tasks, when to delegate or ask for help, and when to let our expectations go completely. Parents often find themselves multi-tasking, which divides their attention, and can result in a lack of patience or intolerance when children interrupt attempts to get things done. It can help to stop what we are doing and attend to the needs of the child rather than trying to do both things at once. Paying attention to one thing at a time is far better for us than dividing our attention.

 

• Expectations can be the root cause of impatience. Take note of your 'shoulds' and 'should nots'. For example, when we have a running commentary that says " babies should sleep" or "children should listen to their parents", this belief can result in impatience when your child doesn't sleep or doesn't listen. When we recognise beliefs such as this, we can challenge them by remembering that children are not robots that do what we say. Children are not things we can control. They are individual people who have their own minds, experiences, and feelings - who don't always want to do what we want them to do.  When we don't come from a place of wanting control over our children, we can be more patient with their feelings and behaviours. Acceptance of 'what is' versus what 'should be', can help to free us from our impatience. 

 

• Perfectionism is toxic. People who are true perfectionists often need help to challenge their perfectionistic tendencies. The problem with perfectionism, is that there is little in life that has a black and white, perfect outcome. When we strive for perfection, we are striving in a bottomless pit. We will never attain it, and stress, anxiety or impatience can be the result. When we have perfectionistic wishes, and things don't go well, we can blame ourselves, or our children for the less than perfect outcomes. When we blame ourselves, feeling inadequate that we haven't attained perfection, we can feel down or become depressed. Try to aim for a 'good enough' outcome, and take the pressure off yourself. You might notice that you feel a whole lot happier as a result.

 

• Depression or anxiety can interfere with our capacity to be patient. If you are feeling depressed or anxious, it is best that you talk to someone. See your GP for a referral to a therapist who can help.

 
3. Better communication with partners
Having children can take a toll on relationships. Communication can become about who's doing what, who's going where, what domestic tasks need to be done, and what the children need. Irritation and resentment can simmer, and a 'tit for tat' discourse can become commonplace.

Blocks

• Sleep deprivation
• Communication on the run
• Lack of understanding about each other's workload/responsibilities

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Tips

• Help each other to catch up on sleep wherever possible. Alternating 'sleep ins' can be better than both of you getting up early and both being exhausted zombies. You may need to take the children out of the house to give your partner a real sleep in. Remember that as children get older, sleep gets better

 

• Try to make time to communicate about big issues at a time when you are not distracted by children. Ask your partner if you can talk later, and make a time to follow up on this.

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• LISTEN to one another. Try to really hear what your parter is feeling and experiencing. There are stressful aspects to being at home with children, to working (as the main breadwinner), and to juggling between work and children. Try to really understand how each other feels, and think about ways to support one another.

Summary

All three goals invovle becoming aware of your thinking, your assumptions, and your expectations. Clarify what it is that you want, and set your intentions clearly for yourself. You may want to write them down or post them somewhere in your house where you can see them. You also may want to tell a friend, family member or partner about your goals to help you to stick to them.

Wishing all parents an active, patient and communicative 2017.

Written by Dr Renée Miller
Perinatal Clinical Psychologist
Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network