Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network
  • HOME
  • COUNSELLING FOR...
    • Conception & fertility
    • Pregnancy
    • Pregnancy decision making
    • Childbirth
    • Postnatal period
    • Parenting & child
    • Difficult diagnoses
    • Miscarriage & loss
    • Grandparents
  • PSYCHOLOGISTS
    • Dr Renée Miller Principal
    • Dr Megan Andrew
    • Brooke Andrews
    • Vickey Annakis
    • Tonia Bainbridge
    • Dr Karola Belton
    • Dr Kate Caldwell
    • Dr Delwyn Carpenter
    • Anna Costello
    • Emily D'Amour
    • Dr Shikkiah de Quadros-Wander
    • Hettie Dubow
    • Dr Angela Gent
    • Dr Michelle Kornblum
    • Melissa Lagozzino
    • Megan Mellington
    • Justine Mrkusic
    • Dr Melanie Quinn
    • Dr Gwyn Rees
    • Yolanda Romeo
    • Jessica Saville
    • Kanthi Sayers
    • Dr Tania Slaviero
    • Sue Titcumb
    • Bianca Whiteman
  • REFERRALS
    • For clients
    • For referrers >
      • Screening patients
      • Order brochures
      • Download practitioner list
      • Mental health information
      • Register for MHPN
  • CONTACT
    • Melbourne >
      • Albert Park
      • Ascot Vale
      • Boronia
      • Box Hill
      • Brunswick
      • Bulleen
      • Burwood East
      • Carlton North
      • Caulfield North
      • East Melbourne
      • Hampton
      • Ivanhoe
      • Kew
      • Malvern
      • Newport
      • Niddrie/Essendon
      • Seddon
      • Thornbury
      • Werribee
    • Mornington Peninsula >
      • Mornington
    • Regional Victoria >
      • Ballarat
      • Geelong
  • RESOURCES
    • COVID-19
    • Resources
    • Videos
    • Information posts
    • Pregnancy Pearls
    • Parenting Pearls
    • Parenting Tips
    • TED Talks we love
  • SUPPORT SERVICES
    • Community support services
    • Child Psychology >
      • Dr Alison Wilby
  • TRAINING
    • For professionals >
      • Perinatal loss ONLINE
    • For parents
  • RESEARCH
    • For researchers
    • Research studies

information posts

The MOTHER IN LAW trap

20/2/2020

 
Picture
You are parents now, and things have changed with your mother in law.

As a psychologist who specialises in working with new parents, I often hear stories about fractured relationships with mothers in law once a baby comes along. Here are some of the reasons why.

I feel constantly criticised by my mother in law. She often says "when MY kids were little...
You can finish that sentence with any number of things her children did perfectly (compared to mine).

My mother in law makes snide remarks about how uptight we are as parents. It seems that anything we do with our baby - that differs to what she did - is about us being anxious parents.

I'm exhausted, and doing my best to manage the house, parenting and work. But somehow, I always fall short in my mother in law's eyes. In her recollection, her house was perfectly organised, and her children were perfectly behaved at all times. 

My mother in law runs a commentary about me through my children. "Oh, no, look mummy has made you cry again". She buys their affection by undermining me. It's infuriating. All I'm doing is setting boundaries for my children, and their grandmother tries to collude with them against me.

My mother in law tells me I'm pandering to my son, and that he's going to grow up being a weakling. My partner and I are parenting consciously. We are aware that our son has a sensitive temperament, and we are showing him that we understand his difficulties, while empowering him to try new things. My mother in law thinks we should push him more. She says things to him like "come on, don't be a cry baby".

We are a same sex couple. My mother in law constantly comments on how much our child looks like her daughter (the biological mother), and how lucky our daughter is to have her family's genes. I find this insensitive and cruel.

The thing that drives me crazy about my mother in law is that she thinks she's the expert on feeding, sleep and safety. With no knowledge of current practices, she harps on about how things were done in her day. My wife and I pride ourselves on being informed about these things, and of course, we want what's best for our child.

My mother in law competes with my mother. It's at the point that I have to hide and lie about some of the things I do with my mum. It started with my mother in law wanting to be in the birth. We said "no". Since then she has demonised me and blamed me for leaving her out of things. My own mother was not at the birth. She now calls my husband at work to complain about how little time she gets to see her grandchild.

​The difficulties I'm having with my mother in law are causing problems in my relationship.

These are just some of the example of what people say.

Can you relate?

Part of my role as a psychologist is to help new parents to do three main things:

1.  Differentiate your sense of worth from the comments or judgements made by your mothers in law.

2. Understand what your mother in law is saying about herself through her comments, rather than personalising her comments to mean something about you.

This can be hard when you're a sleep deprived parent who is trying your best to manage the demands of a new baby, and determine how you want to parent. When there is a mother in law offering gratuitous advice, you may feel disempowered, feel like avoiding her, or quite frankly, enraged.

Even if your mother in law is overtly critical of what you are doing as a mum, REMEMBER THIS:
  • She parented a long time ago. Things have changed.
  • She may want to prove to you that she did a great job parenting her own children.
  • She may recognise she did a less than ideal job raising her children, and may be seeking to repair this by getting it right with her grandchildren - resulting in her over involvement.
  • She may interpret that the way in which you are parenting (that differs from how she did things) is somehow a slight on the way she parented, therefore fuelling her advice, criticism or defensiveness.
  • In all likelihood, she thinks she's being helpful.
  • She may have a high need to be needed.
  • She may have a high need for control and order.
  • She may be used to getting things her way.
  • She may feel she is an expert because she's done it before.
  • She may not have stopped 'mothering' her own children (and her grandchildren are an extension of this).
  • Giving advice might be a way in which she manages her own anxiety.
  • Being critical of you may be a reflection of her own self-criticism.

Take a deep breath. It's your turn to parent now. You get to choose how you want to raise your child/children. To do this, it's important to be clear on your values as a parents, and for you and your partner to be on the same page.

3.  Learn how to communicate assertively with your mother in law. This means respecting her view (recognising where it may be coming from). Then, confidently thanking her for her advice, while stating how you and your partner are choosing to parent. This may be different from her 'pearls of wisdom', but it's your child, your family. Also, be sure to thank her and let her know when her advice is helpful, bearing in mind that she does have experience as a mother, and we as parents, will never stop learning.

Written by Dr Renée Miller
Principal Clinical Psychologist
Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network
​The Perinatal Loss Centre
Picture

Comments are closed.

    Author

    Posted by Dr Renée Miller 
    ​Principal Clinical Psychologist

    Archives

    November 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    September 2016
    July 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    November 2015
    September 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015

    Categories

    All
    About-appn
    About Therapy
    COVID 19
    Fatherhood
    Fertility
    Gender Disappointment
    Grandparents
    LGBTIQA+
    Loss
    Motherhood
    New Clinic Locations
    Parenting
    Pregnancy
    Research
    Resources

    RSS Feed



Social Media Guidelines
Website Terms & Conditions 
Research Disclaimer
Picture


© Antenatal & Postnatal
Psychology Network 2019

Portrait photos by
​Rebecca bana photography
​SEO by Cloe Blanchet

  
  • HOME
  • COUNSELLING FOR...
    • Conception & fertility
    • Pregnancy
    • Pregnancy decision making
    • Childbirth
    • Postnatal period
    • Parenting & child
    • Difficult diagnoses
    • Miscarriage & loss
    • Grandparents
  • PSYCHOLOGISTS
    • Dr Renée Miller Principal
    • Dr Megan Andrew
    • Brooke Andrews
    • Vickey Annakis
    • Tonia Bainbridge
    • Dr Karola Belton
    • Dr Kate Caldwell
    • Dr Delwyn Carpenter
    • Anna Costello
    • Emily D'Amour
    • Dr Shikkiah de Quadros-Wander
    • Hettie Dubow
    • Dr Angela Gent
    • Dr Michelle Kornblum
    • Melissa Lagozzino
    • Megan Mellington
    • Justine Mrkusic
    • Dr Melanie Quinn
    • Dr Gwyn Rees
    • Yolanda Romeo
    • Jessica Saville
    • Kanthi Sayers
    • Dr Tania Slaviero
    • Sue Titcumb
    • Bianca Whiteman
  • REFERRALS
    • For clients
    • For referrers >
      • Screening patients
      • Order brochures
      • Download practitioner list
      • Mental health information
      • Register for MHPN
  • CONTACT
    • Melbourne >
      • Albert Park
      • Ascot Vale
      • Boronia
      • Box Hill
      • Brunswick
      • Bulleen
      • Burwood East
      • Carlton North
      • Caulfield North
      • East Melbourne
      • Hampton
      • Ivanhoe
      • Kew
      • Malvern
      • Newport
      • Niddrie/Essendon
      • Seddon
      • Thornbury
      • Werribee
    • Mornington Peninsula >
      • Mornington
    • Regional Victoria >
      • Ballarat
      • Geelong
  • RESOURCES
    • COVID-19
    • Resources
    • Videos
    • Information posts
    • Pregnancy Pearls
    • Parenting Pearls
    • Parenting Tips
    • TED Talks we love
  • SUPPORT SERVICES
    • Community support services
    • Child Psychology >
      • Dr Alison Wilby
  • TRAINING
    • For professionals >
      • Perinatal loss ONLINE
    • For parents
  • RESEARCH
    • For researchers
    • Research studies