Striving for perfection can seriously limit our capacity to enjoy life. Perfection-striving is often associated with 'all or nothing' or 'black and white' thinking. For example, the mum who won’t go to mother’s group if she is going to be late, misses out on the building of relationships with other mums (who are often late themselves). The mum who won’t exercise if she can’t exercise three times per week, misses out on the benefits of some exercise and a little time-out. The mum who won’t invite people over unless she gets the time to make the house look immaculate, misses out on the fun and spontaneity of having other new mums and babies around for her own and her baby’s social well-being. The mum who won’t let her partner settle the baby because he/she won’t do it like she does, misses out on her partner’s support and her partner's growing bond with the baby.
The bottom line is that there is no one way, and there is no right way. When your hard and fast rules about how things should be, get in the way of the things that give your life meaning (i.e. the things that you really value) ask yourself if there is a middle ground? The middle ground is a place where we strive for being ‘good-enough’ mothers. Perfectionists usually see this term “good enough” as meaning mediocre. However, ‘good-enough’ means good enough. For example, getting to mothers group late is better than not going at all. It can be a good laugh and a supportive environment. Exercising whenever possible (despite wishing to achieve three exercise sessions per week) is better than nothing, and is likely to become easier to achieve over time. Inviting friends over, even if the house is untidy, shows them that you are human after all (very comforting for most people), and demonstrates that you value friendships more than your domestic high standards. Letting your partner settle the baby even if he/she does it differently to you, knowing that this is their chance to discover what works, and to establish a good bond. The middle ground is a much kinder place – a place of acceptance, and openness to experience. Try it. You’ll see. You might even find that not only can you be a 'good-enough' mum, you can be a great mum! Written by Dr Renée Miller (Clinical Psychologist) Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network
Striving for perfection can seriously limit our capacity to enjoy life. Perfection-striving is often associated with 'all or nothing' or 'black and white' thinking. For example, the mum who won’t go to mother’s group if she is going to be late, misses out on the building of relationships with other mums (who are often late themselves). The mum who won’t exercise if she can’t exercise three times per week, misses out on the benefits of some exercise and a little time-out. The mum who won’t invite people over unless she gets the time to make the house look immaculate, misses out on the fun and spontaneity of having other new mums and babies around for her own and her baby’s social well-being. The mum who won’t let her partner settle the baby because he/she won’t do it like she does, misses out on her partner’s support and her partner's growing bond with the baby.
The bottom line is that there is no one way, and there is no right way. When your hard and fast rules about how things should be, get in the way of the things that give your life meaning (i.e. the things that you really value) ask yourself if there is a middle ground? The middle ground is a place where we strive for being ‘good-enough’ mothers. Perfectionists usually see this term “good enough” as meaning mediocre. However, ‘good-enough’ means good enough. For example, getting to mothers group late is better than not going at all. It can be a good laugh and a supportive environment. Exercising whenever possible (despite wishing to achieve three exercise sessions per week) is better than nothing, and is likely to become easier to achieve over time. Inviting friends over, even if the house is untidy, shows them that you are human after all (very comforting for most people), and demonstrates that you value friendships more than your domestic high standards. Letting your partner settle the baby even if he/she does it differently to you, knowing that this is their chance to discover what works, and to establish a good bond. The middle ground is a much kinder place – a place of acceptance, and openness to experience. Try it. You’ll see. You might even find that not only can you be a 'good-enough' mum, you can be a great mum! Written by Dr Renée Miller (Clinical Psychologist) Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network
“ ‘I don’t know what is happening to me’ is a common theme we hear. When parents are prepared to speak positively and honestly with each other it can have such a powerful effect – mums and dads realise they’re not alone in their thoughts, feelings and challenges and can help begin to support each other,” said Terri.
Perinatal anxiety and depression does not discriminate – it affects people across the community regardless of age, income or geography – and the way people are affected is not black and white. Everyone’s journey to parenthood is unique and different. Equally prevalent and just as debilitating as depression, anxiety has become the focus for this year’s PNDA Awareness week with the name of the week officially changed to incorporate Anxiety. More than 50 per cent of callers to the PANDA National Helpline experience symptoms of anxiety. Help is available and PANDA is a good first step towards recovery. PANDA’s Helpline: 1300 726 306 (operates Monday to Friday from 10am to 5pm EST). www.panda.org.au |
AuthorPosted by Dr Renée Miller Topics
All
|