A letter to my daughters (and yours) for Mother's Day

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My daughters asked me what I wanted for Mothers’ Day, so I told them: I want what’s best for you, but this doesn’t mean I want you to be the best. How you are in relation to others is of no consequence to me. I know that if you set your mind to something that matters to you, and you work hard, you will more than likely achieve it. Aiming to be the best will make you feel anxious, self-critical and inadequate. With everything in life, there will always be people who are better and worse than you. Simply don’t compare.
 

I want you to be happy, but this doesn’t mean being happy all the time. No one is happy all the time. Having the expectation that you should be happy all the time, will  make you feel more unhappy.
 
I want you to ask for help when you need it. Being able to be vulnerable, and to express your vulnerability, is a great strength. Asking for help does not mean you’ve failed. It means that you are willing to learn, grow and be the best you can be.
 
I want you to know that all feelings pass – the bad and the good. That everything evolves and changes and that we don’t need to fear nor strive for particular feelings because they are transient. When you feel like everything is too hard, remember that things will look different tomorrow.
 
I want you to know who you are, and to define yourself by your values, not by how you look, or by how you perceive others see you. You can never know or control what others think. But you can know, that the way other people think is an indication of who they are, not who you are.
 
I want you to respect yourself by doing things that are self-nourishing (including having uproarious amounts of fun). But only do things you feel comfortable with. You hold the barometer of your own comfort. Check in on your level of comfort in situations you might feel swayed.
 
I want you to find meaning in your life. This will be an evolving process. Only you hold the measurement of what is meaningful to you. Look inwards, not around you for your own definition of meaning.
 
I want you to know that giving to others brings great joy. Be sensitive to the needs of others and give of yourself. This doesn’t mean losing yourself to the needs of others. It means stepping outside of your striving for happiness through material things or achievements, and give love to others.

I want you to know that you were born with self-worth. Anything that has diminished your self-worth over time, is changeable. Your thoughts are not truths unless you believe them. Other people’s words are not truths unless you believe them. You have the choice to see yourself in a positive, self-compassionate light. Appreciate the unique person you are. There is no one else on earth like you. Just by being you, you are worthy. Treasure your uniqueness, open your mind to experiencing the fullness of life, and know that you are loved.
 
Mum xx

Written by Dr Renée Miller (Perinatal Clinical Psychologist)
Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network
Dedicated to my beautiful girls.
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