What is my Role?
Some fathers question their roles in the early weeks and months, when typically mothers are the primary caregivers. As a new father it’s easy to feel a bit left out. However, research tells us that fathers’ relationships with their newborns make a significant impact right from birth. Actually, it starts long before birth, because babies begin to recognise their father’s voice at around 22 weeks of pregnancy. So when that bump starts to grow, it’s time to get talking.
The most important thing dads can do for their newborns is to simply spend time with them – cuddling, rocking, talking, singing, and settling. Getting to know each other in a hands-on way is good for everyone. For inexperienced dads, on the job training is the best confidence and relationship builder of all. And the benefits for babies are vast. Several studies suggest the quality and quantity of baby-father involvement directly impacts language development and children’s sense of security growing up. There is also research showing that babies with strong attachments to their dads tend to have fewer behavioural problems later on.
Not surprisingly, research also tells us that when mothers view their partners as competent - when they provide encouragement, and believe that parenting is a joint venture - men are more likely to be involved and value their roles as fathers. The key is mothers viewing their partners as competent. This is an issue many couples struggle with, and it comes up regularly in my work with new parents. Because mothers tend to spend more time with their newborns than their partners do, they clock up many more practice opportunities, and can feel that the way they have learnt to do things is the only way. So whether it’s changing nappies, settling a fussy baby, or managing the bath routine, dads can easily get left behind in the skill development stakes. An all too frequent result can be mums hovering on the sidelines offering unsolicited advice, or worse, taking over and doing it ‘properly’ themselves. The result? Dads can feel inadequate, resentful, and less motivated to try the next time. The impact of not letting dads learn on the job can be mums feeling unsupported.
Where has my relationship gone?
Becoming parents calls for huge adjustments in relationships. Changes in roles, workloads and finances, not to mention the sheer exhaustion of caring for a baby. These pressures can impact even rock solid partnerships. Worries about how a baby may or has changed their relationship are among the most frequent concerns voiced to me by fathers.
Some fathers experience feelings of helplessness as they watch their partners overwhelmed by tiredness, or having difficulties breastfeeding. Some women experience postnatal depression, and dads often feel at a loss as to how to ‘fix it’, feeling inadequate that they are not being able to make everything OK.
For other dads, it’s the loss of emotional connection that has been chipped away by the constant tension of tiredness and frayed patience. They can feel like they’ve lost their best friend amidst the unfamiliarity and daily grind early parenthood can bring.
Some fathers talk about feeling in competition with their babies - for time, attention, and affection. Even while understanding their partner’s all-encompassing focus on their baby, dads can feel invisible or fearful that there’s not enough love to go around.
The reality of course, is that the birth of a baby can test even the strongest relationships. Even good relationships can stumble under the weight of it all. But the good news is that the overwhelming majority tend to bounce back again once everyone is getting more sleep, things settle down, and issues like sharing the workload are resolved.
Remember, parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes time and practice for both of you to adjust to being mum and dad, to learn the ropes, and to find space in there for each other. Here are some points to consider:
· Communicate with each other. It’s a vital ingredient in sharing your worries and doubts, asking for support, and working as a team
· Practice empathy which means being open to each other’s experiences and feelings, especially the ones that are different to yours
· Avoid competing about who has it tougher – nobody wins this one and it’s a certain resentment builder
· Seek professional support if worries become too big, anxiety or low mood become habitual states, or you need help adjusting to the change. Remember, dads experience postnatal depression and anxiety too.
This post was written by Dr Karola Belton
Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network
All new mothers experience some anxiety. Let’s face it, you're in a new role, arguably the most important one there is. You’ve never cared for an infant full-time before. This vulnerable baby depends on you for his or her physical and emotional safety (which can be particularly challenging if your own childhood was not physically or emotionally safe). And on top of all that, you are on call 24 hours a day in a body that has been through significant hormonal changes. You are sleep deprived and you are adapting to a multitude of changes in your life.
So yes, some anxiety is ‘normal’. In fact, we need a certain amount of anxiety – ‘optimal anxiety’ – to be motivated to function well, to solve problems as they arise, and in a primal sense, to keep physically safe from predators (what is known as the ‘fight-flight’ response in our biological wiring). In motherhood, this translates to having a certain amount of anxiety to be vigilant enough to keep our babies safe, to perform the many tasks involved in caring for our babies, and to prepare or plan for future possibilities (eg. an upcoming feed or nappy change).
But what happens when this vigilance turns into hyper-vigilance? What happens when a feeling of impending doom creeps in, a feeling of dread, a constant fear that something bad is around the corner? You notice a sick feeling in the stomach, a knot in the chest, heart palpitations, constant worry, exhaustion but you feel too ‘wired’ to sleep, or worse - intense panic.
These feelings are not ‘normal’. These feelings suggest that anxiety is no longer optimal, but has become a problem. And anxiety like this can be debilitating.
Most people know about postnatal depression – feelings of sadness, negative thinking, tearfulness, loss of pleasure, lack of motivation, hopelessness, and/or dark thoughts. Health practitioners are therefore more likely to ask whether you are feeling sad or blue than to ask if you are feeling unduly anxious or agitated. However, postnatal anxiety is common and can occur alongside postnatal depression or on its own.
My research showed that 10% of new mums were anxious or stressed, but were not in fact depressed. This finding means that if we focus on depression as the only mental health problem in the postnatal period, women who experience problematic levels of anxiety may not recognise the problem, and may not be helped appropriately.
It is not uncommon for postnatal anxiety to be minimised as a ‘normal’ experience of new mothers – both by health practitioners and by new mums themselves. Recognizing the extent of postnatal anxiety, PANDA recently changed its focus from postnatal depression to postnatal anxiety and depression - now known as Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia.
If you are feeling worried, fearful, panicky, uptight, overwhelmed, or having obsessive thoughts, you may be experiencing postnatal anxiety. If you are constantly worrying about things that could go wrong in the future (‘what if’ thoughts), you may be experiencing postnatal anxiety. If you are distressed by your anxious feelings and your symptoms are interfering with your life (eg. avoiding going out, not sleeping, obsessively checking on your baby, seeking constant reassurance from others), you may be experiencing postnatal anxiety.
It is important to talk about these feelings. You can begin by calling PANDA for free, confidential telephone counselling (ph. 1300 726 306). You can talk with your Maternal and Child Health Nurse, your GP, or a psychologist who is experienced in treating women in the postnatal period.
Everyone’s experience of postnatal anxiety differs. However generally speaking, counselling for postnatal anxiety involves:
In some cases (and in consultation with your GP or a perinatal psychiatrist) medication might be required alongside talking therapy.
Remember, not all anxiety is normal for new mums, and help is available.
Written by Dr Renée Miller for Bubba West, Edition 4
Posted by Dr Renée Miller