Children love to win. But what happens when they lose? Children are inherently inept at managing their emotions. Losing a game, a race, or a sporting event, can feel overwhelming. One of our roles as parents is to teach our children how to lose with grace. Emotional regulation and good sportsmanship are vital skills in life.
So how do we do this? Be mindful of what children observe in us It begins with what we model as parents. What do we demonstrate to our children about winning and losing? What do we say in front of our children about winning and losing? Children absorb our behaviours and our commentary, so we need to be mindful about what they see and what they hear. First and foremost, our children need to see us lose with grace. They need to see that if things don’t go well for us, we learn from our mistakes, and we don’t blame. Our children may see us barrack for our sporting team, but they need to see that we can commend the opposition if they win. They need to see us praise the effort of the losing team. They need to see that we don’t blame umpires. Everyone makes mistakes, and umpire decisions need to be accepted. Children need to see that when we (or our sporting teams) lose, we can learn from our losses, and we can move on... Deal with winning and losing in family games Don’t fall into the trap of constantly letting your child win. Children need to experience losing in an environment where losing is just part of the game. They need to be reminded that “sometimes we win and sometimes we lose”. They need to hear us say “it’s only a game”. They need to learn that it’s not okay to lash out at others or to quit if it looks like they are not going to win. Everyone plays till the end, and everyone gets congratulated for a good game. The goal is the fun of playing together, rather than the win. Validate their feelings Children need to learn that it’s ok to feel frustrated, disappointed, or upset when they lose. Labelling and validating their feelings can help them to understand their feelings before they can move on. Once their feelings are heard, we can talk to them about being a good sport. Overt the narrative of good sportsmanship Our children need to see us praise sports people, tv contestants and public figures, who lose graciously. They need to hear a narrative about what it means to be a ‘good sport’. They need to see examples of sporting heroes who are gracious losers. When we value good sportsmanship, and highlight the associated commendable behaviours, our children learn about the value of these qualities, over and above the transient feeling of winning. Praise effort Children generally need to hear us praise their effort and encourage their learning and growth. This narrative is far more helpful for a child’s sense of self and sportsmanship than the one around winning, or being ‘the best’. Children need to hear that different people have different strengths. Some people are good at some things, and other people are good at other things. Children need to understand that trying something (even though they may not be good at it) is a show of bravery. Children need to learn that when we practise something, we can improve. Children need to learn that they can be happy for the successes of others. Ultimately, children need to learn to appraise themselves according to their own benchmarks for success, rather than by comparing themselves to the performance of others. This is more likely if children are raised in an environment where competition is fun, winning is a bonus, and good sportsmanship and humility are qualities that are valued. Written by Dr Renée Miller Principal Clinical Psychologist Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network New parenthood changes our relationships with our parents and our parents-in-law. How do you navigate the underlying (often unexpressed) expectations and assumptions about the role of grandparents?
Clinical Psychologist, Dr Renée Miller talks with Sarah Morrissey on Little Rockers Radio about some of the challenges parents can face with their children's grandparents. What can we let go of, and what's worth raising when our parenting philosophies differ? How do we not take personally some of the things grandparents say? What's happening between grandparents and grandchildren during COVID lockdown? To listen to the interview, click here. Read more on this topic here: "What New Mums and Grandparents Want Each Other to Know" "The Mother-in-law Trap" Pregnancy can be a stressful time. It is common for a woman and her partner to have some degree of stress and anxiety during their pregnancy. The expectant couple can typically worry about the mother’s health and more often, the health of their baby. The Coronavirus pandemic has added further unknowns with respect to health implications for pregnant women and their babies. According to Dr Renée Miller (Perinatal Clinical Psychologist), “recent media attention on the possible increased incidence of stillbirth during Covid-19, has resulted in a further surge of fear in pregnant women and their partners. This is particularly confronting for parents who are pregnant after a previous loss.” The present article aims to address the increased burden of worry faced by expectant parents. I address general concerns surrounding the impacts of Coronavirus during pregnancy. I also highlight limitations associated with the study referred to in the media regarding increased rates of stillbirth during the pandemic. Finally, together with Professor Mark Umstad and Dr Stephen Cole, we provide tips on how to keep you and your baby safe. I’m pregnant. Should I be worried about catching Coronavirus? From the limited evidence to date, pregnant women do not appear to be more severely affected by COVID-19 than the general population. The Royal Australian & New Zealand College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists (RANZCOG) states that pregnant women do not appear to become more severely unwell if they develop COVID-19 infection than non-pregnant women of the same age. Most pregnant women will experience mild or moderate symptoms including fever, cough, loss of smell, headaches and fatigue. Most of these women will make a full recovery without need for hospital admission (RANZCOG, 2020). I’m pregnant. Will my baby be harmed if I catch Coronavirus? Women should remain reassured, that there is currently no evidence that COVID-19 will harm your baby or cause abnormalities during pregnancy. There is also no evidence to suggest that there is an increased risk of miscarriage with COVID-19 (RANZCOG, 2020). The risk of Coronavirus to a baby appears very small (Stillbirth CRE, 2020). Should I be worried about the reports of increased rates of stillbirths during the pandemic? A recent study in the UK found there was a 4-fold increase in stillbirths during the pandemic period (from February to June 2020). Understandably this finding is frightening for pregnant women. However, it should be noted that there were limitations to this study. These limitations include:
Obstetrician, Dr Stephen Cole emphasizes that none of the fetal deaths in utero occurred in women with known COVID-19. He stated, “it is possible that increased stillbirths may be due to indirect effects such as a hesitation for women to attend the hospital for check-ups, to come in when they are concerned, or due to a reductions in antenatal visits”. While more stillbirth research clearly needs to be done, the UK study also points to possible indirect causes for the rise in stillbirth rates versus a direct link due to Coronavirus. Indirect effects include:
According to Obstetrician, Professor Mark Umstad “It is important to understand that it is still safe to continue attending your care provider during the pandemic. They will have all of the appropriate precautions in place to protect you, including when you attend hospital. While it can be challenging to attend without your usual support team and may be confronting to see clinical staff in their personal protective equipment (PPE), these precautions will keep you and your baby safe during this pandemic." In summary, studies conducted to date have limitations. Clearly more research is needed. What can I do to keep my baby safe? The next section outlines what Midwives and Obstetricians are advising their patients who are concerned about the health of their babies during the pandemic.
Please note: this list is not exhaustive. Please always refer to your health care provider and the advice they give you during your pregnancy. The Coronavirus pandemic has understandably added an extra layer of uncertainty and stress for expectant parents. Try not to jump to conclusions in your own bubble of worry. Trust your healthcare provider. Ask your questions and voice your concerns. Focus on the facts, not on the media. You are not alone in this. Article written by Eliza Strauss, Bereavement Midwife, Perinatal Loss Educator, and Co-founder of The Perinatal Loss Centre, Melbourne, Australia. Acknowledgments Dr Renée Miller, Perinatal Clinical Psychologist, Founder of Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network and Co-founder The Perinatal Loss Centre, Melbourne, Australia. Professor Mark Umstad AM, Obstetrician and Gynaecologist, Frances Perry House, Melbourne, Australia. Dr Stephen Cole, Consultant Obstetrician & Specialist in Maternal Fetal-Medicine, Epworth Healthcare and, Melbourne, Australia. Resources
Centre of Perinatal Excellence (COPE): www.cope.org.au Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Association (PANDA): www.panda.org.au Gidget Foundation: www.gidgetfoundation.org.au Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network: www.antenatalandpostnatalpsychology.com.au/covid-19.html References Khalil A, von Dadelszen P, Draycott T, Ugwumadu A, O’Brien P, Magee L. Change in the Incidence of Stillbirth and Preterm Delivery During the COVID-19 Pandemic. JAMA. 2020;324(7):705–706. doi:10.1001/jama.2020.12746 RANZCOG (2020). A message for pregnant women and their families. Retrieved from https://ranzcog.edu.au/statements-guidelines/covid-19-statement/information-for-pregnant-women Still Aware (2020). Safe Sleeping. Retrieved from https://stillaware.org/yourpregnancy/safe-sleep-in-pregnancy "I never expected to be flooded with so many emotions". "I feel intensely protective and utterly fearful". "I feel helpless and sometimes, useless". "I have this constant worry that something bad is going to happen". "I was traumatised from seeing my partner in labour, but I knew I had to be strong for her". "Work seems irrelevant but I feel a pressure to perform because my family is depending on me". "I don't know who I am anymore". "What's happened to my wife?" "I feel exhausted all the time". These are just some of the thoughts and feelings men have shared in the therapy rooms of the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network. Depression, anxiety and stress is common in new dads, but the focus is often on new mums. This can mean that dads feel unjustified in seeking help, and worse still, they feel like seeking help in some way implies weakness. New parenthood is a developmental stage (just like toddlerhood, adolescence, adulthood). With it comes change, uncertainty, new learning, and a need for re-definition (both for the self, and for the couple relationship). Struggling is par for the course. New parenthood forces people to acknowledge the ways in which they were parented. This can be confronting, and can present challenges for new parents, especially when their parenting backgrounds were difficult, traumatic, or significantly different from that of their partners'. Some men feel paralysed with fear about parenting like their own parents, but don't know how to do things differently, especially in the toddler years. Parenting support and guidance can make an enormous difference. Some men struggle because their partners become unwell in pregnancy or the postnatal period (with depression, anxiety, stress or in rare cases, psychosis). We often see men who have 'held the fort' while their partners were being treated, who then 'hit the wall' themselves - buckling under the unexpected pressure of taking care of their partners and babies, while trying to function at work. Speaking to a mental health professional is about resourcing yourself to better manage in this new life role. Arguably, the most important role of your life. As the Royals William, Harry and Kate discuss in this youtube video, "talking is medicine". www.youtube.com/watch?v=45RqUmxDXiY If you are struggling as a new dad, you can contact the phone counsellors at PANDA on 1300 726 306, see your GP, or seek the help of a psychologist. You may have a work Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that you could access. Centre of Perinatal Excellence (COPE) offers free emails to new dads (synced with the stage of fatherhood they are at), with trustworthy and supportive insights, strategies and advice. Dads can sign up for their emails here: www.cope.org.au/readytocope/ If you're interested in reading quality parenting articles (curated by a Clinical Psychologist), you can follow the Facebook Page of the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network. Stay informed about evidence-based parenting approaches that support you through the challenges of parenthood (especially through the toddler years). You could also follow Dr Matthew Roberts's Town Hall Dads Facebook page - dedicated to fathers. Written by Dr Renée Miller Principal Clinical Psychologist Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network If you've become a parent, you're likely to have been catapulted into a vastly different life to the one you had before. A new identity, new roles responsibilities and routines, and lots of questions about how you're going and how you're feeling as a parent. Parents often look to other parents or professionals for good quality information to help guide them in both their parenting and in their life adjustments.
The psychologists from the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network have compiled a list of resources that we recommend to our clients, that you might find helpful. The Ted Talks We Love is an ever evolving page on our website that lists Ted Talks on topics such as building emotional security and resilience in children; self-compassion and self-esteem; managing anger; the strength in vulnerability; the pressures of modern day life and the importance of slowing down; and understanding introversion. These Ted Talks can be found here. We also have a selection of videos that cover topics of mental health in new parents, and parenting. These videos can be found here. Hope you find these resources helpful. Dr Renée Miller Insomnia in pregnancy and in new parenthood can be torturous. Many women present to our service with frustration and exhaustion related to insomnia. Women report feeling 'tired but wired', with increasing pressure to sleep when they can, and resulting low mood or anxiety when they can't. The 'bedtime battle' can become an anxious loop of fearing not sleeping, imagining not coping the next day, thereby stimulating the brain in ways that ignite alertness, and prohibit sleep. Interestingly, little research has been done in this area.
Sleep experts and researchers at the Royal Women's Hospital and Monash University are investigating this phenomenon in their efforts to design treatments that best support women to manage sleep disturbances. They are seeking participants for this important research. Can you help? The SMILE Study is recruiting first-time mothers who are less than 32 weeks pregnant. As a part of the project you will be allocated to 1 of 3 sleep programs and receive either: 1. A new ‘smart’ bassinet designed to help baby’s sleep. 2. Sleep information and strategies via email at 6 different times during pregnancy and after your baby is born. 3. A booklet containing sleep information and sleep hygiene. The programs are completely free, and you can receive up to $60 in gift vouchers as a token of thanks for participating. All aspects of participation are completed from the comfort of your own home via the internet or telephone! For more information and sign up, click on the link below. https://redcap.cdms.org.au/surveys/?s=MN8MX3RPDY Royal Women’s Hospital Human Research Ethics Committee Number: 19/17 In the craziness of COVID-19, people have had to adjust their coping skills in order to manage the stress and uncertainty that this pandemic brings. While recognising what is in and out of our control, we've had to rapidly adjust our homes, routines, and minds to optimally cope at this difficult time.
The psychologists from the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network have put together a series of posters to help you to be a COVID-19 coper. These posters can be downloaded here. We recognise the importance of good research to inform the ways in which we, and other health professionals support bereaved parents.
The loss of a much wanted baby is devastating, whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, newborn death, or infertility. If you are reading this because you've experienced a loss, we are so sorry. Some people who have experienced loss, find it meaningful to share their experience by supporting research that ultimately helps others who sadly go through similar losses. If you would like to share your experience to further inform research into perinatal loss, your experience will be greatly appreciated and valued by health professionals who care for bereaved parents. As a result of your participation, services will be improved to optimally support bereaved parents. The Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network is currently supporting two research studies investigating people's experience of perinatal loss. Please read the criteria below to determine if you are eligible to participate in these studies. Research study at the University of Melbourne on miscarriage This study is seeking women, partners and family members affected by miscarriage more than 3 months ago but within the last 2 years in order to understand how to best support those affected by miscarriage. This research follows several studies on women’s and men’s experiences of miscarriage by the Melbourne University research team, with the ultimate goal of ending the silence around miscarriage. You can talk confidentially with researchers in an interview in person or by phone, or take part in a small group discussion. For more information or to express interest, please contact miscarriage-australia@unimelb.edu.au Research study at the University of Adelaide on surrogate loss in the LGBTQIA+ community Participants in this study must identify as LGBTQIA+, and have experienced pregnancy loss more than 6 months and less than 10 years ago. This includes many types of pregnancy loss such as miscarriage, stillbirth, the loss of a pregnancy being carried by your surrogate, and medically-indicated termination of pregnancy. The University of Adelaide researchers are interested in speaking with the person who carried a pregnancy and/or partners of the person who carried a pregnancy, and/or people who have sought to become parents through the use of a surrogate. The findings will be shared with service providers and support organisations to aid in understanding the needs of individuals who identify as LGBTQIA+ who experience pregnancy loss so supports can be more appropriately targeted in the future. For more information about this study, or to volunteer to participate, please contact Alice Rose from the School of Psychology at alice.rose@student.adelaide.edu.au Research study at the University of Adelaide on secondary infertility Researchers are seeking women and/or their partners to take part in a research study on experiences of secondary infertility. This study is investigating the emotional experience, support and coping strategies associated with secondary infertility. Eligible participants are women and/or their partners who have unsuccessfully tried to conceive for at least 12 months after having had a previous successful pregnancy/pregnancies. For more information about this study, or to volunteer, please contact: Ms Georgina Draxler School of Psychology at Email: georgina.draxler@student.adelaide.edu.au For support following loss, please click here. For community support, please click here. Researchers interested in listing their studies on the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network research portal, please click here. Thank you for your generosity in sharing your experience. Dr Renée Miller Principal Clinical Psychologist Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network The Perinatal Loss Centre Pregnancy is a time of great uncertainty - a time when horror stories are rife and fears about harm befalling one’s baby, common. Anxiety can be particularly significant for women who have experienced pregnancy losses (or vicarious losses through family or friends); been through the ‘roller coaster’ of fertility treatment; received diagnoses of fetal anomalies; or who have experienced a previous traumatic birth. In addition, an anxious temperament can pre-dispose women to heightened anxiety in pregnancy, especially in the face of stressful life events. Although anxiety tends to be seen as the 'normal' emotional landscape for pregnant women, elevated levels of anxiety can be debilitating, and can contribute to emotional disturbance in the postnatal period. Symptoms of antenatal anxiety might be overlooked by common symptoms of pregnancy such as increases in heart rate, shallow breathing, and sleep disturbance (Wenzel, 2011). In order to identify whether symptoms are problematic, the questions for women to ask themselves and/or their health practitioners are 1. "Are my symptoms interfering with my life (e.g., avoidance of usual activities for fear of feeling anxious, relationship problems, sleep disturbance, constant reassurance seeking)?" and 2. "Are my symptoms causing me distress (e.g. upsetting or intrusive thoughts and/or distressing symptoms in the body)?" (Wenzel, 2011) Women do not need to experience high levels of anxiety and worry in pregnancy or the postpartum. Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can help women to learn how to manage both the physiological (body) symptoms, and the mental worry, which can contribute to a calmer pregnancy, birth, and adjustment to new parenthood. Written by Dr Renée Miller Principal Perinatal Clinical Psychologist Founder Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network Co-founder The Perinatal Loss Centre References Wenzel, A. (2011). Anxiety in childbearing women. Washington: American Psychological Association. Wenzel, A. & Kleiman, K. (2015). Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for perinatal distress. New York: Taylor & Francis. "I feel like I have no control over my life" "The 'to do' list never ends" "I can't seem to finish anything I start" "My toddler is ruling the roost" "I'm trying so hard to be a good parent but I'm worried that I'm not" "I'm exhausted" Parenthood is stressful. The responsibilities and demands of a baby, toddler (or both), the sleep deprivation, the loss of freedom, the loss of control, and the never-ending 'to do list' can be overwhelming and stress inducing. Not to mention the emotional investment in wanting to parent a child who will feel safe and secure in the world, with a high emotional intelligence and a resilience to facing life's challenges. It's a big gig! Some new parents seek help to manage postnatal depression and/or postnatal anxiety. However many new parents seek help simply to manage stress. Often motivated by wanting to be the best parents they can be, parents recognise when they are operating in a revved up state. Their sleep can be affected, and they may notice symptoms of irritability, being overly touchy or sensitive, snappy, and generally not being able to wind down. Parents often report that their stress is most apparent in their relationship with their spouse, and/or in an increasing impatience with their children. There is a vast literature and much media attention educating the public on postnatal depression and more recently, postnatal anxiety. However for parents who are stressed this focus on depression and anxiety can result in a hesitation towards help-seeking in the absence of a depressed mood or an anxiety disorder. Postnatal stress can cause significant upset in families, and evidence-based treatments for stress can bring about welcomed symptom relief. So what is the difference between depression, anxiety and stress? According to the authors and researchers of the Depression, Anxiety Stress Scales (Lovibond & Lovibond, 1995) depression, anxiety and stress can co-occur, however each state has its unique symptoms. Depression symptoms include feeling negative, down-hearted, gloomy, unmotivated, dispirited, and a loss of enjoyment in things once pleasurable. Anxiety includes physiological symptoms of panic, pounding heart, shakiness, fear of losing control, and apprehension. Stress includes nervousness, jumpiness, tension, getting easily upset or irritated, and difficulty relaxing. The Psychologists at the Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network (APPN) commonly use the Depression Anxiety Stress Scales (DASS-21) - a well validated screening tool that helps new parents to understand their particular symptoms. In our experience, new parents like to understand their symptoms using the DASS-21, and they find it useful to track their symptoms over time to see how they are progressing with therapy. Although scores on the DASS can delineate symptom severity and a measure of progress over time, clinical diagnoses (if relevant) require further assessment by the psychologist to ensure that appropriate treatment strategies are implemented in therapy. Treatment for stress typically involves a combination of Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy and Mindfulness based therapies. These approaches give parents tools for understanding how their thinking - expectations, appraisals and worry - contribute to their difficulties (thinking being a modifiable component in managing stress). In addition parents learn to manage their responses (physical and behavioural) in relation to life stressors and to their own fears. Practical strategies for managing daily routines can form part of the work, as well as sorting through family of origin dynamics that may underly one's problematic thinking and stress levels in the early parenting years. Learning how to wind down and relax is fundamental to this therapy for stressed new parents and parents of young children. Written by Dr Renée Miller Principal Clinical Psychologist Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network |
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