Rainbow baby on the way: Holding grief and joy after loss

Pregnancy and parenting after loss can be emotionally complex.

There may be relief, and the potential for joy in discovering you are pregnant again. But these feelings can be tarnished by the pain of what you have lost.

Fear that the pregnancy might end, can make it difficult to connect with the baby, while uncertainty and the experience of loss, can heighten anxiety.

It can feel like a mixed bag of emotions, with guilt often leading the way — fearing that being happy about this baby somehow means forgetting the baby who died.

A rainbow baby does not erase the baby who died
Those around bereaved parents may understandably, hope that a subsequent baby will bring healing. But this can sometimes create an unspoken expectation that the grief should be done with, or that the new baby should somehow make everything okay.

A new pregnancy does not undo grief.

Becoming a parent again does not mean you have stopped being a bereaved parent.

Once you have experienced loss, you know that pregnancy does not always have the ending you hoped for. It can therefore be incredibly difficult to surrender to the optimism that pregnancy is often expected to bring.

You can hold two emotions at one time
One of the most difficult things for parents after loss can be the presence of conflicting emotions.

​You may feel incredibly grateful to be pregnant again, while desperately missing the baby you lost.

You may feel excited when you see your baby’s heartbeat, then feel guilty for experiencing happiness.

You may love your new baby deeply while continuing to grieve the child who came before.

These emotions do not cancel each other out.

Grief and joy can coexist
It may be more helpful to think of emotions after loss as both/and, rather than either/or.

You can love this baby and love the baby you lost.

You can feel hopeful and  feel frightened.

You can celebrate and grieve.

You can be deeply grateful and still wish things had been different.

There is no emotional rule that says welcoming one baby means forgetting another.

Your rainbow baby is not a replacement
One of the most important things to understand about having a baby after loss is that the new baby does not replace the baby who died.

They are their own person.

They will have their own personality, their own place in your family and their own relationship with you.

The baby you lost holds their unique place in your family story too.

Love is not finite.

There is room for the both the sibling you remember, and the child you are raising.

The birth may not bring the relief you imagined
For some parents, there is an expectation that everything will feel okay once their baby is safely born.

But birth does not necessarily switch off anxiety.

After experiencing loss, the nervous system can remain alert to danger even when the immediate threat has passed. Some parents find themselves watching their newborn constantly, checking their breathing, struggling to sleep or feeling frightened when their baby is unwell.

Some people experience an unexpected emotional response after birth — including numbness, disbelief, guilt or even difficulty bonding.

This does not mean you do not love your baby.

Sometimes the mind needs time to understand that this time, the baby is here.

The transition from pregnancy after loss to parenting a living baby can itself be an emotional adjustment.

Parents may simultaneously be celebrating their newborn while grieving the absence of the baby they had hoped would be here with them.

You don’t have to feel grateful all the time
Parents who have experienced loss are sometimes told how “lucky” or “blessed” they are to have another baby.
Although these comments are usually well-intentioned, they can inadvertently create pressure.

You do not have to feel grateful every minute.

You do not have to enjoy every moment.

You do not have to stop grieving because your baby is healthy.

Parenthood is complicated under any circumstances. After loss, it can be particularly important to give yourself permission to experience the full range of emotions without judging yourself for them.

Finding a way to remember
Some parents find comfort in continuing to acknowledge the baby they lost.

This might mean keeping photographs, a memory box, a special piece of clothing or a piece of jewellery. It might mean using their baby’s name, acknowledging their birthday or remembering them in family traditions.

There is no correct way to remember. What matters is finding something that feels meaningful to you.

Be gentle with yourself
Pregnancy and parenthood after loss can be exhausting because you may be carrying two experiences at once: the anticipation of a new life and the grief of a life that ended.

​If you are struggling, seeking psychological support is not a sign that you are failing to cope. Pregnancy after loss can bring significant anxiety, grief, trauma responses and depression, and professional support can help you navigate these experiences.

It can also help to tell your maternity care team about your previous loss. Specialist or continuity-of-care models can provide additional emotional and clinical support during a subsequent pregnancy.

Most importantly, there is no particular way you should feel.

Perhaps your rainbow brings immense joy.

Perhaps the rainbow feels frightening.

Perhaps you don’t use the term at all.

Perhaps you feel all of these things at different times.

There is no right emotional response to having a baby after loss.

A rainbow does not mean the storm never happened.

It means that something beautiful can exist alongside what has been lost.

​And sometimes, healing is not about leaving the grief behind. It is about learning that love for the baby you lost and love for the baby in your arms, can exist together.

Written by Dr Renée Miller
Principal Clinical Psychologist
Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network
Perinatal Loss Educator and Founder of The Perinatal Loss Centre
www.theperinatallosscentre.com.au