Daily life with a newborn is unpredictable.
When will the baby sleep? How much are they eating? Will they meet their milestones? How will I cope? These unknowns can lead to heightened vigilance and stress, and for some people, more extreme anxiety. New parents, especially first-time parents, may find themselves worrying about whether they are doing it ‘right.’ The lack of experience can fuel self-doubt, as the brain enters a heightened state of protective alertness, constantly scanning for potential threats to the baby’s safety and wellbeing. Adding to this challenge is the societal expectation that new parents ‘should ‘be filled with joy and excitement. There is an overwhelming cultural narrative that new parents should feel completely bonded and ‘loved up’ with their baby from the very beginning. Yet, this pressure can be isolating for those who struggle with bonding, who feel overwhelmed by the responsibility, or who fear that they won’t be a good enough parent. Bonding can take time. The fear of not doing it well enough, combined with perceived pressure to make the ‘right’ parenting decisions, can leave new parents feeling trepidatious and unsure. New parents can be bombarded with conflicting advice, which can feel disorienting and can add to the worry and increase self-doubt. All of this is magnified by sleep deprivation. Exhaustion from the physical demands of caring for a newborn can compound the emotional and psychological strain. When parents are sleep-deprived, even small challenges can feel insurmountable, and the uncertainty that comes with parenting can seem more daunting. It’s no wonder that many new parents find this period an anxious one, as they navigate the ever-changing landscape of parenthood while trying to balance societal expectations, personal doubts, and the unpredictability of newborn life. Whilst the uncertainty is unavoidable, there are ways to manage the anxiety and support yourself through times of change. Be kind to yourself Getting to know your baby and how to parent them is a learning process. Remember you are on a steep learning curve and you are sleep deprived! You won’t have all the answers right away, but your confidence will build over time. TIP: Try to offer yourself the kindness and understanding that you would offer a close friend going through this. Imagine the compassion you would feel towards your friend, and what you would say in support of them. Remember you are doing your best in a tough situation, and its ok to learn as you go. Plan for realistic situations, but don’t over plan Uncertainty can trigger an avalanche of ‘what ifs”’. What if my baby doesn’t sleep? What if my baby cries when I am at the cafe? What if my baby has a poo explosion in the car? I often hear mums describing that they feel paralysed by the need to plan for every eventuality before they feel they can leave the house. This can become a vicious cycle, which can lead to anticipatory anxiety and possible avoidance. TIP: Remember it’s impossible to predict everything. Focus on planning essentials that are sensibly within your control and remind yourself that you can problem-solve challenges that arise. Ground yourself in the present moment Those anxious ‘what if’ thoughts pull us out of the present and into an imagined catastrophic future that you can’t control. One way to manage this is through mindfully bringing your attention back to the here and now. This can be as simple as focusing on your breath, noticing sensations in your body, or paying close attention to your baby’s tiny features during a quiet moment together. TIP: When you notice you are caught up in anxious thoughts, try mindfully taking three slow, deep breaths and focus on the feeling of your feet on the floor. This can help step out of anxious thoughts and bring yourself back to what is actually happening now. Ask yourself “what is required of me in this moment?” Take one thing at a time. Notice how you cope with the unexpected One of the most effective ways to manage anxiety around uncertainty is to become aware of how you typically respond when things don’t go according to plan. We all have natural coping mechanisms—some are helpful, and others may unintentionally increase our stress. By becoming mindful of how you react to unexpected events, you can start to shift towards healthier responses. TIP: The next time something unexpected happens (e.g., the baby refuses to sleep or a routine goes awry), pause and take note of your immediate reaction. Do you try to fix everything right away? Do you become overwhelmed or self-critical? Do you give up and feel helpless? Noticing these patterns may allow you to reflect on whether they help or hinder your emotional wellbeing. Once you become more aware of your coping style, you can experiment with new, more adaptive strategies. For example, instead of catastrophizing ("If the baby doesn’t nap, the whole day is ruined!"), try reframing the situation: "This is frustrating, but it doesn’t mean the whole day is lost. I can adjust and move forward." Acknowledging your frustration can be helpful, but it doesn’t have to take over your day. Notice and deliberately practice flexibility Notice when you are faced with an unexpected situation and you get through it (e.g., you successfully deal with an explosive poo at the shopping centre). Build your awareness of your resilience, flexibility and adaptability. Learning to accept that things not going to plan is a normal part of parenthood. Rather than trying to control every situation, practice flexibility—recognizing that some days will be more challenging than others. Over time, this mindset shift can significantly reduce anxiety around the unknown. TIP: Allow yourself to embrace the unexpected and give yourself an internal hug in recognition of managing well. If you felt you struggled, remind yourself you are learning and growing with each new experience. Limit information overload While it’s tempting to search for answers and solutions to every parenting question online, too much information can fuel anxiety. The internet is full of conflicting advice, which can make decision-making feel even more overwhelming. TIP: Instead, try to limit your information sources to a few trusted experts or books, and allow yourself to begin to trust your own instincts as a parent, as you learn what works for your baby. Bearing in mind that babies change and evolve. Just stay tuned in. Seek help These strategies can be learned with practice, and you don’t have to navigate the journey alone. If you find yourself struggling to implement these techniques or if the anxiety feels overwhelming, reach out for support. Our team of psychologists are here to help you through this challenging time and provide the guidance you need for thriving as a new parent. Article written by Dr Gwyn Rees Perinatal Clinical Psychologist Antenatal & Postnatal Psychology Network Comments are closed.
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