From childhood to parenthood: How EMDR can release the grip of the past

Early relationships shape our nervous system, our sense of self, and our expectations of others.

Our early experiences, especially with caregivers, play a powerful role in shaping how we feel about ourselves and how we regulate our emotions.

When early experiences involved extreme inconsistency, absence, overwhelm, lack of emotional safety, or frequent feelings of distress, we may carry forward patterns such as:

• Anxiety or hypervigilance
• Emotional shutdown or disconnection
• A strong inner critic or sense of not being ‘good enough’
• A tendency to please others and put our own needs aside

These patterns are not flaws. They are adaptive responses to early experiences, developed to protect the self at the time.

Why patterns show up in major life transitions

Pregnancy, birth, and early parenting are times of significant emotional and physical change. Patterns of operating – developed in our earlier years – may arise because

• We are moving into a caregiving role, which can activate our own early experiences of being cared for
• We may experience an increase in vulnerability, dependency, and need for support
• Sleep deprivation, hormonal changes, and stress can reduce our coping capacity
• Relationship dynamics may shift, placing new demands on communication, perceived support, and trust

Parenting young children can also trigger a myriad of unconscious responses, fears, parental expectation, and emotional reactivity. You may feel more anxious, overwhelmed or unsure of yourself. You might find yourself being more sensitive to your partner’s actions or responses. You may notice strong emotional reactions that feel out of proportion or that are hard to understand.

How EMDR can help

EMDR is widely known as an effective therapy for processing trauma. However, many people find that their difficulties are not linked to a single traumatic event, but rather to patterns that developed over time, or to persistent thoughts, self-beliefs, and feelings that don’t seem to shift.

Attachment-informed EMDR is an adapted therapeutic approach that incorporates an understanding of how early relationships shape our nervous system, sense of self, and expectations of others.
 
EMDR can help in the following ways:

• Developing internal resources (e.g. nurturing, protective, or wise figures)
• Strengthening your capacity to stay present with emotions
• Identifying and processing past experiences, including early experiences you may not have considered impactful
• Addressing what may have been missing (such as soothing, protection, or attunement)
• Understanding and shifting how you feel about yourself, and how this impacts your relationships and responses in the present

You do not need to have clear or detailed memories for this work to be effective.

By processing earlier experiences in a safe and supported way, addressing memories, feelings held in the body, and old beliefs, your nervous system can begin to update how it responds in the present.

This often means that:

• Situations that once felt overwhelming may become more manageable
• Emotional reactions may feel less intense or more in proportion to what is happening now
• You may be less likely to get caught in old patterns of self-criticism, anxiety, or shutdown
• You may have more choice in how you respond to yourself and others

​Over time, this can lead to a stronger sense of confidence, stability, and self-compassion in your day-to-day life and relationships. Talk to your therapist about whether EMDR therapy might be a useful adjunct to your therapy.

Written by Dr Gwyn Rees, Perinatal Clinical Psychologist
Antenatal and Postnatal Psychology Network.